not sure if I'm depressed or having a reality check

[Goldie_Horn]

Hi ,

where do i start, first of all thanks for having me. Im at a crossroad atm , I'm not sure if i have had a reality check regarding my Partner & my future or if I'm slipping into a depression. I have been with my Partner for almost 5 yrs, we do not live together , nor do we spend much time together as we both work and have other commitments such as i have 2 children, 8yrs old 22 yrs old & he has 2 children , one 10 yr old and one 17 yr old, we live only 20 minutes apart. His children don't like me at all , why i don't know ! Ever since his divorce he's has been very protective of his children, the 10 yr old lives with his mum , and the 17 yrold moved in 3 years ago , as she has had diff with her mum. Ever since she has moved in with him our relationship has changed . we spend even less time together , our relationship exist mainly via phone calls. His daughter doesn't accept me for who i am even though i back off . She is disrespectful towards me whenever i stay at his home, we don't talk , i hardly even get a hello. Ive told my Partner this and he said he hasn't realised it & would talk to her. The end result , if i rock up at his place my partner first words are, Have u said Hello to Kazza? which is so fake & frustrating, my wish was to be together , move in with him , and try to make the best of it. My Partner try to keep us all separated and wraps his children in cotton wool. They don't know respect or discipline , I keep saying to myself it might change but i am now realising its really not going anywhere atm. He takes his children on holidays, without me and my daughter of course as he says our siblings don't get along. My daughter has never done anyone wrong, he just spoils those kids & keeps us sitting on the side line . His daughter is so manipulative & he doesn't see it, Everyone else does accept him. I feel like a stranger whenever i visit his house , I am worried about my future and would like to be in a happy relationship, he asked me to move in a while ago & i told him about my concerns reg, his children . He said he understands but how could we deal with it, its like he sets our happiness aside to please his kids. I am now at the point that i don't know what to do , do i Leave this relationship, or do i move in with him and try to deal with the issue? i love him dearly but believe i have been waiting long enough now and need to have stability and security in my life else i would have to end this relationship and move on .

[pipsy]

Dear Goldie Horn. From where I'm sitting, there isn't much of a relationship or commitment. Sorry if that hurts, but when there's no move from one party to commit there's really no relationship. Have you tried talking to his daughter, or won't she talk to you? Has she been openly hostile? Perhaps she fears losing dad again, him and her mum parted, if she fears losing dad again (in her mind) to another woman, this would tend to make her very uneasy and hostile. The daughter (from my calculations) would've been about five when her parents parted. Presumably, she was 'daddy's girl, she's going through issues with her mum (she's now 17), possibly problems at school. She has now moved in with dad, so she's trying to resurrect that relationship. Dad has a new gf, that could cause friction as she sees you trying to usurp her position in dad's life. The problem (as I see it) is not so much with bf, but with his teenage daughter. I would try to establish a relationship with Kazza, show her you just want to be friends. 17 year old girls look up to dad as their protector. They often think, when/if they marry, it has to be to someone exactly like dad. If they see someone trying to (to their mind) take dad away, this will cause hostility. She doesn't really know you, I would try ( as I said) establish a relationship with her.

Perhaps someone else posting might have some other ideas about closing the gap.

Lynda.

[Goldie_Horn]

Hi Linda and thanks for your reply. Very kind 🙂

Its all a bit more complicated than the daughter just moving back into dads house. We were friends in the 1st couple years, i took her shopping , spent time with her at outings etc, it all came to an end approx 2 yrs ago when we had little argument regarding her attitude towards her dad. Keep in mind that my Partners Ex is a evil person who brain washes the kids constantly. We been through hell with her(the Ex) but fortunately is easing down . I feel that my Partner doesn't want to commit because he thinks his kids have been through enough, which i understand and thats why i have taken a step back all these years, putting they re needs first. His daughter makes me feel so unwelcome when i stay at his place, she's also got her friends to be disrespectful towards me. For example i will cook a great dinner for everyone and i don't get a thank u , also not from the friend staying over. It seems they are succeeding with there plan of getting rid of me. Dad is oblivious to all of this , honestly he is so gullible and doesn't see the manipulation behind all of it. I have been extremely upset about this and have tried all ways to adjust to the issue. My Partner knows of my feelings as i have told him how i feel, even though he would want me to move in to his place as i told him we have a half way relationship and i am not happy . This all is making me sad and depressed, i don't know what to do. Its been going on for 5 yrs now and i think I've been waiting long enough to get to the next level, The daughter is selfish and only stays with him to be financial secure, i know this sounds mean , but its the truth. We are separated atm as i told him i need space and time to think, I've told him I'm slipping into a depression , i didn't want him knowing but it was getting to obvious. I know what i want , i want a family that can love and be loved , only I'm not sure if i can have this with my Partner due to the issue with his kids

Thanks Kazza

[pipsy]

Hi Goldie. Please don't be offended at what I'm going to say. When you tried to point out to the daughter about her attitude re: her dad, unfortunately (for you), I think you may have opened the proverbial can of worms. I was married before and had a stepdaughter similar age. She came to live with her dad and me after rowing several times with her mother. I had to take a step back so as not to 'buy' into what was happening re: mum, dad and daughter. My ideas of disciplining children and other peoples differ greatly. I realise you were trying to establish a pattern of respect from daughter to father, unfortunately, it's not your call. Dad can't 'see it' because to him, his daughter is just being 'her'. It's possible he's accepting her as she is, because he doesn't want to cause more problems for her. I think possibly the daughter resents you because she feels you've got no right trying to discipline her. It's not unusual for daughter's to get their friends to 'gang up' on parents or 'the establishment' they feel angst toward. Rebuilding trust and respect between you and daughter (if you want the relationship to work), means you're basically going to have to 'bite your tongue' about the way she speaks to her father. It won't happen overnight, but gradually I feel daughter will start to realise you're not trying to be her mother. If however, you feel strongly that it isn't going to work, perhaps this breathing space will help you sort out your feelings.

Lynda.

[Goldie_Horn]

Thanks Linda, i never meant to be her step mum or nor did i try to discipline her, it was embarrassing and disrespectful the way she speaks to her dad, to be honest i think he's to soft to stand up for himself, he complains heaps to me about her attitude and laziness etc, but never pulls through with discipline , The daughter doesn't help around the house or clean up after herself , dad even after a long days work has to bring her dinner home (take away) because she's so spoilt and to lazy to cook a meal, simple things like filling or emptying the dishwasher , taking the rubbish out, or feeding her own dog... all of these chores are done by dad when he comes home from work .She will run the dryer with a single bra in it although the sun is shining outside. Then dad has to drop her at a friends place as they don't live near public transport, the list goes on and on. I believe she has the Paris Hilton Syndrome ha! She wants to be like her ....live like her and I'm in the way ....as i see through her. I rather bite my tongue and don't get involved , i just can't believe why dad doesn't do anything about it . its so frustrating . Example , dad bought her a car which is really sweet, she's doing her driving lessons and he surprised her with the car . She walked out to the driveway and asked Who's p....of Sh...! is that, dad replies, i bought it for u. She laughed and walked away. Now Paris is driving one of his brand new Cars for Lessons because she claims , her car is to hard to drive . Its a suzuki swift ...Dads car is a station wagon . She gets away with everything, but the hardest part is , trying to get rid of me and he's blind to see it.