Not in a Happy Place

[Petals54]

Hello everyone,

This is my first time posting on this site, I will try to keep it brief and I do apologize if I do ramble.

I’m 54, about to turn 55 this month, I am married and been together with my husband for nearly 7 years. In 2012, I was diagnosed with PTSD, Anxiety & Depression after a work place injury which required 2 hand surgeries. After the surgeries & counseling things were going well, I got married in 2014 , then it all went to crap.... I was diagnosed with Perimenopause and everything changed for me... my anxiety and depression started to creep back into my life and I also realized that my husband had the most paranoid/ Controlling/ ADHD/ extreme temper behaviors that the never really noticed before... So, here I am in a daily basis, not knowing what mood my husband will be in, whether he will fly off the handle over burnt toast, I ‘m feeling anxious even before I get out of bed, I feel stressed every single day and I put a fake smile on my face. We are together 24/7.... we have our own business, he doesn’t want me to get my own job, I have no friends....

I have been seriously thinking I want my old life back, I am so so tired of feeling anxious and stressed on a daily basis. I still love my husband but not enough to live like this, does that make sense? My husband has told me during arguments that if I am not happy I should pack up and leave, maybe I should, I just know I am not happy, I feel like I am living a lie and I feel lost.... I want my own space to do nothing, not be constantly on the go like i am now. I just don’t know what to do or where to start.

Thankyou for listening

take care

Jayne

[Petals54]

Hi MM,

How are you doing? Thanks for your reply. Yes, it’s hard to leave, in my head i’m telling my self I’ ready but my actions say other wise. I have been through this before I left my first husband after finding out he was having an affair, I left with a bag of clothes, stayed with a friend for a few months, then found my self in a boarding house, no money, no job... it was hard for a while but I survived! That was back in 2001 and although times have changed I know I can survive again once I am in my own!

Last week another temper tantrum from husband this time about dinner being burnt as I was in the bathroom ( god forbid!) He went off big time, I told him I was getting tired of this and he said as always “ If you don’t like it you know what to do” usually I would answer back but this time I just walked away, and again today he says he’s a bit of a hand full, I agreed, he then says “well, if you’re not happy or it’s getting too much for you, just pack your stuff and leave “ he said he was joking, how can you joke about that??? Is he baiting me to just up and leave, I doubt he will be surprised when I do leave , deep down he knows it’s going to happen and when it does he will be on the defensive as always.

take care

Petals54

[Petals54]

Hello Everyone,

How are you all doing, good I hope? Me, well it’s same same here, another week, just the same as the last, not so many blow ups from husband but there is tension building which is uncomfortable. I’m still trying to look for a job, and have found some pretty cheap accommodation when I need it.... Next Friday, husband is going to take me to a fancy restaurant for a belated birthday dinner... feeling how I do, how the hell am I supposed to sit across the table from him without feeling annoyed.

I don’t know how long I can keep up this pretense before I explode!

Taking it a day at a time.

Petals54

[Petals54]

Hello everyone,

I hope this post finds you all well? Here it is 2 weeks before Christmas and I am no closer than leaving, as the days go by I am feeling more like a failure and fraud as I am continuing to live this lie! I know that only I can change my life but I keep living like this! I have found that my husband has bought me a $900 bracelet for Christmas and a couple of other gifts, so we have begrudgingly bought him a gift as well... my heart is not in this festive season at all as he keeps making these plans for us for Christmas, gift & food shopping etc. I feel totally stressed , anxious and stuck at the moment and I just don’t know how I am going to keep the facade up on a daily basis, especially coming up to Christmas.

Petals54

[monkey_magic]

Hi Petals54,

I really feel for you as it can't be easy living in your shoes.

Im sure everything will work out in the end and you'll feel that weight leave once the situation is different.

Im under the impression that a lot of people feel the same way putting on a facade so that everything seems ok.

Just take it day by day. I'm not sure what advice to offer you but wanted you to know that I'm still here listening and interested in your story.

You're being proactive making those steps to leave which is commendable for eg finding cheaper accomodation. If your hearts not in it even a bracelet will seem unappealing. It doesn't really make up for the ill treatment hey.

Youre doing the best you can. You are definitely patient.

Hope 2020 brings some added happiness to your life.

MM

♡☆♡☆~~

[Petals54]

Hi MM,

Thanks so much for your reply, apologies for not getting back to you sooner. It’s all go here, getting ready for Christmas and I am feeling more and more anxious, totally so come to my stomach thinking about the expensive gifts he has bought me and know that I am living a lie!

I am hopeful the new year will be a new start for me!

I wish you all the best for the new year.

take care

Petals54

[Petals54]

Hello Everyone,

I hope this post finds you all going ok.

As for me, I survived Christmas was showered with expensive gifts and all the while I was feeling sick inside,. Two weeks into the new year and I can feel myself getting more and more frustrated at this situation. My husband has decided that I should be more dominant in our sex life and that this year should be my sexual dominance over him year.... ie planning what we do, what we wear etc etc.... seriously I am screaming inside NO!!!!!

Did I mention that I feel he is jealous of people talking to me or showing me any form of friendship, our next door neighbor and I get on well together and his answer to that is well, she must be gay!!!!! What does that say about me or her?!? He had a comment about a woman on tv that was over weight, I said to him, you really hate fat people don’t you? His reply, “No, I don’t hate fat people, I married you didn’t I?!” Mind you I was 20kgs heavier in 2014 but that’s not the point, who says that kind of stuff to their spouse?!?! He of course said he was joking..,, I wasn’t laughing!!!!

As always I am taking each day as it comes, will let you know how it all goes.

take care

Petals54

[Croix]

Dear Petals54~

I've been reading your thread and see a person who is in exactly the same situation as so many others. To put it bluntly (my apologies) you exist with an abusive controlling person who wants you to himself and feels free to say disparaging remarks, tells you to leave, turns sex from a loving encounter to a selfish porn show and feels that by using money and saying "only joking" he is able to keep this up indefinitely.

You have been in this situation twice before and know to leave is not easy, though you have made some moves in that direction. I guess having a secure base inside yourself to do what you need is what is wanted. Perhaps this might mean getting a job right in front of him.

Perhaps it may also be reflection in the idea he treats you with contempt, a possesion -and you are worth so much more than that.

I'm not suggesting you leave or stay -neither is easy, and sometimes one or the other is simply not possible for all sorts of reasons. I am suggesting you try to deal with some of the things in your life you find so hard and leaves you so humiliated and lonely.

There are good relationships out there in the world. I've been blessed wiht two, my first partner passed away after 25 years, and my second is still with me - and we remain in love - 22 years later. It is easy to lose sight of the fact not all relationships are like yours have been.

Croix

[Petals54]

Hello Croix,

Thank You for your reply. Thank you also for your bluntness, on reading your words it bought home to me what I am living with on a daily basis. I guess after a while you tend to become numb and tend not to “see” things as they really are or how bad the situation is.

I am continuing my job search behind his back and put a couple of applications in and put my name down at a few agencies so, fingers crossed something may come through.

I am determined that I deserve a better life to do with as I wish and not by anyone else, certainly not my husband. I am focusing on how he and this situation makes me feel and that is the motivation for me to make my life mine, it may take some time but I will do it!

Thank You again Croix

regards,

Petals54

[Juliet_84]

Hi Petal54,
I’m so glad you found Croix’s insights valuable, I always find he gives wise counsel 🙂 Your situation reminds me of a quote “you only have two lives, and the second one begins when you realize you only have one”. I was once in an abusive relationship with a volatile but at times loving man, and I completely understand the anxiety of constantly being on edge wondering what will set someone off. It got so bad that the sound of the keys in the door would cause me an enormous amount of anxiety. For me, I dreamed of having my own little apartment that was peaceful and lovely where I could just breathe. But I was in such a bad place that I had to build my strength up over time, by starting to do things on my own (to show myself I could) and doing things that nourish my soul. I suggest that you start doing the same thing, it will be hard because he will likely resist you doing things on your own, but you need to start slowly creating that space. If you decide to leave, then you will be in a better place to do so, and if you don’t, then you still will feel better about yourself. Please keep us posted on how you go.

[Lost1975]

Hi petals. I have been reading your post and I can relate. Been in a relationship since November 2018, moved states to be with what I thought was my soulmate. He has mood swings to, but it’s always my fault. He picks at everything little as well ie me being on fb but it’s ok for him to be on his social media, he he do things but if I do the same it’s not on, if I point this out his reply is well you do it. He will say nasty things to me and if I get upset his answer is I need to harden the f up. If I try to take to him about how I feel I’m told that I rave on with stupid things. I have leant to bottle it up and say nothing as it will start a blue. I’m in a small country town with no friends so I have no one to talk to. My 18 yr old daughter moved with me but I don’t tell her what’s going on anymore as she worries that I will fall off the wagon like I didn’t 6mths ago. My partner is a truck driver and is only home on the weekends but when he is home I feel like I’m walking on eggshells coz I never know when he will go off. We have hard some good time thou Like you have but it is only short lived. ATM we are sleeping in separate rooms , talk is to a minimum. The worst part about it is I feel like it’s a one way street. In the past I have tried to patch things up . I thing things are back on track and then he will get moody for the littlest thing I say things were going on well what happened his reply is you thought things were going well but you were wrong. I have said if something bothers you just come out and say it and we can talk it though but no this never happens as he doesn’t she my point of view. I’m in the process of getting my own place too. As I feel I’m fighting a never ended battle. Hope your doing well as you haven’t posted for a while. I look forward to your update.