Not in a Happy Place

[Petals54]

Hello everyone,

This is my first time posting on this site, I will try to keep it brief and I do apologize if I do ramble.

I’m 54, about to turn 55 this month, I am married and been together with my husband for nearly 7 years. In 2012, I was diagnosed with PTSD, Anxiety & Depression after a work place injury which required 2 hand surgeries. After the surgeries & counseling things were going well, I got married in 2014 , then it all went to crap.... I was diagnosed with Perimenopause and everything changed for me... my anxiety and depression started to creep back into my life and I also realized that my husband had the most paranoid/ Controlling/ ADHD/ extreme temper behaviors that the never really noticed before... So, here I am in a daily basis, not knowing what mood my husband will be in, whether he will fly off the handle over burnt toast, I ‘m feeling anxious even before I get out of bed, I feel stressed every single day and I put a fake smile on my face. We are together 24/7.... we have our own business, he doesn’t want me to get my own job, I have no friends....

I have been seriously thinking I want my old life back, I am so so tired of feeling anxious and stressed on a daily basis. I still love my husband but not enough to live like this, does that make sense? My husband has told me during arguments that if I am not happy I should pack up and leave, maybe I should, I just know I am not happy, I feel like I am living a lie and I feel lost.... I want my own space to do nothing, not be constantly on the go like i am now. I just don’t know what to do or where to start.

Thankyou for listening

take care

Jayne

[Petals54]

Hello Croix,

Yes, absolutely agree, I do need to put everything in perspective and take it from there. It’s just a matter of getting time to myself to make the call. I guess the funny thing is I have been through this situation twice before and in a way was easier to deal with, I’m kind of angry at myself for not seeing the same signs sooner as they say sometimes you can’t see the forest for the trees ( I think that’s right)

Although I do love my husband( maybe not as much as I used to) and I don’t regret marrying him, looking back now I think we should have stayed single as I think we were better on our own.

Thanks for you reply

Petals54

[Petals54]

Hi MM,

Thank You for you reply and sending your strength my way, it means a lot. Yes, I agree that not only do I hold the power but if I want/ need change only I can achieve that, no one else can change my situation for me. As I mentioned to Croix, I have been in similar situations before, walked away with nothing after my first marriage and bounced back straight into a 7 relationship from hell with a mummy’s boy control freak... after which I was on my own for 6 years and met up with my old work mate, now my husband.... we should have stayed friends and stayed in our own.... hindsight is a wonderful thing isn’t it?!?!

my husband has also been married before and she left after 11years, basically because she wanted to do things with her life and she felt he was keeping her back....sounds like dejavu to me... He knows he stresses me out and he knows I deserve better but it just doesn’t happen, we laugh and joke and it’s all good until something happens and he goes off and we’re back to square one again....

This may sound strange but nothing here feels like it’s mine, he has the car ( I don’t drive) his business in hospital s name,tools etc... it has never felt like it was “Ours” no matter how many times he had told me it’s ours, it’s never felt like it...does that make sense? I have also been on the lounge for about a year as I cannot bear to be near him, mainly due to night sweats but just because you want my own space... how sad is that?

take care

Petals54

[monkey_magic]

Hi Petals54,

You've probably had a lot to think about in regards to where you stand with your husband and what to do.

I think some people are better suited as friends but if you did fall in love with him then naturally u take that next step.

Relationships then either thrive, stay together and work through things, or fall apart.

Its sad when you have to distance yourself from them because of differences but you can't be someone that you're not and need to stay true to yourself.

From my own experiences there's been men I've been both comfortable and uncomfortable with.

In your situation id want to distance myself too if I was being treated like that.

I hope this day treats you well, always here.

MM

[Petals54]

Hi MM,

Thanks for your reply. This whole situation is not only sad but surreal to say the least, we’re carrying on as normal, he’s making plans for “us “ to have a break from work but we’re still going to be spending the whole time together.... I mean seriously what???? We have known each other since 2003, worked together and we thought we were soulmates.... everything was good, we’ve had our arguments like other couples but it’s his moods, his temper, thinking the worst of people, thinking strangers are looking at him or me...thinking their all S***bags... it’s embarrassing.

I went on the 1800 Respect site yesterday, had a chat with a lovely girl about what was happening and yes, she agreed it’s definitely a domestic violence problem, she gave me some numbers to call, even a DV line to my bank accounts hat can help me as well.

I am starting to realize this is real but I am starting to breathe abit better, knowing I have support.

Thank You MM

hugs 🤗

Petals54

[Petals54]

Hello everyone,

Things at home the same and this week was the worst, not only did our Staffy pass away on Monday but it was my birthday on Wednesday and couldn’t find one reason to to be happy about it for obvious reasons.Husband wants to buy me a new camera for my birthday , I really don’t want one and told him so but he’s taking me to buy one next week. On the day our Staffy died at home he was more concerned with the next door neighbor he hates so much and this paranoid adhd behavior has been going on all week. He tells people he is lucky to have me in his life who can put up with his many idiosyncratic behaviors but seriously one can only take so much before enough is enough.

petals54

[quirkywords]

Petals54

I have read your posts and the helpful posts from others.

I am sorry about your dog.

Has he ever tried to get any help for his behaviours.?

I sense you want to change things and move but it is hard to do. Can you financially move out ?

Would the people at RESPECT be able to help you with a plan. ?

I think we imagine and hope that when we get older things will be easier but sometimes they are more complicated.

You are not alone and we are here to listen and support.

Quirky

[Petals54]

Hi Quirky,

Thankyou for your reply. Unfortunately no, he hasn’t sought any help from anyone in regards to his behavior, it’s the way he’s always been and not likely to change any time soon. He admits his behavior stresses me out, but “promised “ he wouldn’t go off at the neighbor as it was my birthday.... how thoughtful... not! I have recently lost 20kgs and even that I cannot have to myself, he insisted that he buy me skimpy bikinis to wear to the beach, much to my disdain. I want to enjoy my new weight in my own way without sexual overtones from him...

I have been in contact with RESPECT and they gave me some information and numbers to contact when I do leave, there is financial assistance there that I can access which is great. It’s just a matter of getting the courage to say I have had enough, maybe I am waiting for the right time, is there ever a right time?

thanks

Petals54

[monkey_magic]

Hi Petals54,

I'm really glad u rang 1800 respect they are great aren't they.

I think the right time is in your heart of hearts. Or in the fibres of your being. If everything within you is screaming at you to leave then it's time.

Ive left a lot of bad experiences with men. I've often listed the pros and cons and gone from there as well. Or intuitively id know its time or when its been the last straw.

I don't blame you for wanting to enjoy your weight loss without the sexual overtones.

Did u say it was your birthday - then Happy Birthday🎂

MM

[quirkywords]

Petals

Thanks for your reply.

Is there any time as the right time? I suppose you have to feel comfortable and prepared and only you will know when that is.

When I was in a chaotic relationship, family and friends said you should leave but it wasn't simple as it was my house and he would not leave. He left about a year after I asked him to. It was stressful and people said throw his stuff on the the pavement , but this would inflame the situation.

I wanted to keep the peace and my mental health .

I am moved by your situation and hope you work out what suits you and in your own time.

Quirky

[Petals54]

Hi MM,

Yes, it was my birthday on Wednesday 30th Oct, I ‘m 55 now and too old for this crap to be honest. The people at 1800 RESPECT were great and my details are with them to pick up where I left off once I do leave.

I guess I am still trying to be amicable and at some times still the yes person but also I am slowly at the screaming inside stage and becoming more quiet on the outside and not react to everything he says or does. I think he knows that something has to give soon although I doubt he’s thinking i’m going to keave