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Not happy been marriage for 35 years
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I really enjoy my husband company and we get on well together. We have a small business and he is semi retired now. Which means he is home more. I work with him and I can’t do anything right - he speaks to me trebly. I had a car accident the day he had another go at me and I blamed him. This argument was on my mind - thinking how am I going to fix his temper - attitude. Talk so many times.
Especially because we have a small Business and it is not that easy to leave him. Which I have been thinking. I am always on egg shells. I don’t have an option on any topics. He spits it and blows up and gets cranky. He either walks away. Doesn’t like to talk - or
Puts every thing back on me.
last fight I told him I want out.
he went to doctors - who said he might have bipolar. Talk medicines.?
Now he want me to Show him
more affection and kiss him more. Which I can’t because we never have been. I don’t want to come home and deal with this.
what I am asking is I need help
i keep talking and it’s not going anywhere ?
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The warmest of welcomes to you at such an incredibly challenging time in your life and your marriage.
I think that gradually waking up to the nature of our relationship can be so incredibly challenging at times and it can involve so many questions. 'Can I tolerate staying in this relationship? Why does my partner have this nature? What's triggered it? Are there certain challenges they should be rising to, so I shouldn't have to live like this?' and the list of questions goes on. It sounds like you threatening to leave was the push your husband needed to address the issues he faces, that you're struggling to live with. To leave it at that though is definitely not enough to change things for either one of you. For a doctor to simply suggest the possibility of bipolar isn't going to change anything. It's only the first step on a path to further investigation and change. What would a detailed examination and an official diagnosis from a psychiatrist or psychologist reveal? Bipolar, ADHD or something completely different, something that's now become more obvious in retirement?
I've found intolerance can be a great motivator at times, in a marriage. Perhaps the question could be 'Am I going to tolerate a doctor simply suggesting bipolar and my husband leaving it at that?'. If the answer is 'No', fair enough. Personally, I couldn't tolerate that either, no further investigation or change for the better. What else I couldn't and wouldn't tolerate is that and my husband expecting me to change my ways while he does little to make a difference. In other words him expecting me to make everything better, with little effort coming from him. While I may sound harsh, I'd regard this as him being irresponsible and lazy.
As a gal who's been married to the same guy for over 22 years and has often been the one to make everything better, there's a lot I just won't tolerate these days. There's an intolerant part of me that's developed over the years that's led me to become more upstanding and more demanding. I used to work so hard on suppressing it to the point of anxiety and depression. Occasionally the intolerant part of me would come to life when everything became too much. I'd be led to cry to my husband about what I just couldn't tolerate in our marriage any longer, especially the deeply depressing stuff. Developing and managing the intolerant upstanding part of me and allowing it to come to life at times is what has led me to express myself constructively as I go along through the marriage, without things building up. It's served my mental health greatly.
For some, there's that little voice in our head that can be of great guidance at times. It can sound like 'You shouldn't have to tolerate living like this. You shouldn't have to be the one to fix everything all the time. You need to become more demanding, when it comes to consideration and having your feelings heard' and other dialogue along those lines. On the other hand, the people pleaser in us can be sabotaging all that with 'Don't rock the boat. Don't be too challenging. Don't upset him' etc etc. If practice makes perfect and we've practiced listening to the people pleaser in us for so long, this can explain why it can be so hard at times to tap into and be inspired by the intolerant upstanding part of our self. ❤️
