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Not coping

Community Member

My partner of 8 years decided he no longer wanted to be in a relationship. While things hadn't been great for the last year or so, I was trying to fix things and suggested things such as counselling and tried to get him to talk to me. I felt this breakup was very sudden, and was having a really hard time coping, then I found out that there was another woman involved. While he claims he didn't cheat on me, he did start a emotional texting relationship, and therefore I consider that cheating. She was giving him advice on our relationship, while telling him she wanted to be in a relationship with him. I would NEVER have expected this from him in a million years.

For 4 weeks I have constantly been on the brink of tears, and have cried myself to sleep many nights. I am still not eating as I constantly feel sick, and my work is starting to suffer. I seem to have constant headaches (lack of food) and I'm sure I can actually feel my heart breaking. I want him back, but know I shouldn't, and I keep putting myself through this cycle of talking to him, and feeling like I get through to him, then crying for hours because I know he has already moved on with this other woman. When we talk he is very open and honest, cries with me, holds me, comforts me, then drives over to the other woman's house to spend the night with her.

I am no longer coping, and while my friends and family have been very supportive I don't want to burden them with my tears and/or worries any longer. My psychologist is helping but I walk out of sessions not remembering a word she has said. I can no longer cope with the pain this has caused me and need some coping mechanisms. I know time will help heal, but right now this is crazy! The only thing that seems to help is writing this down, which is great at stopping the tears, but it doesn't stop me from wanting him back... even after all of this.

I feel like he is having a mid life crisis or something, and is also confused but is trying to stick to his guns in his decision. I have no family where I live and I was only here for him, but now I have a good, well paying job and don't want to leave, but feel I can't stay. The pain is crushing and unrelenting. What do you guys think about all this?

5 Replies 5

Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi Carmen01,

Thanks for sharing your story. It must feel really sad after all those years together, that your partner has decided to choose another person. Sometimes things happen for a reason and maybe now is the time to focus on yourself.

I know this would sound like a hard thing to do, but try to keep away from him for now, and give both the space you need to think clearly. You can't think clearly nor make important decisions if you're angry or upset.
Set yourself up for a challenge, so you can put your energy on something else. It could be anything, if it's something that you like, even better. Run a marathon, start a diet, start a course on something, learn a new language, book a holiday somewhere etc.

It's good to keep talking about your feelings, with your psychologist, friends and family. Not with him. But you need something to do everyday just for you, to make you feel better. Meditation works for me. It helps calming the mind, stopping negative thoughts and focusing on the present moment. There are a lot of mobile apps you can download and listen to guided meditations.

I hope you start to feel better soon, and let us know how you go.
All the best.

Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi Carmen,

Heartache is the worst feeling to carry with you, I am currently going through the end of a relationship and I can feel that weight in my heart too. I'm sorry you are going through this.

As mentioned by Candombera, you need to stay away from him right now.

I know it is so hard, its so so hard but it's what you need to do.

While constantly having him in and out of your life, getting hope about the relationship and having it dashed is just making things a lot harder for you.

It's like being on a continuing cycle of the original breakup.

Put yourself first, it's ok to be selfish in times like this.

Do things you like doing, challenge yourself with small goals that get bigger, eat food you love, take care of yourself physically as well as mentally and definitely don't stop talking about your feelings.

Mediation, journalling, exercise, volunteer work are all things that have helped me

I hope everything works out for you

Take care

Thank you Candombera, it has been so so hard to let go and take a step back that you get lost in what you think are the fine details, while just looking at the bigger picture will help too. I haven't put myself first for 16 years (I had another 8 year relationship before this one) and it's a struggle to be alone. I like all of your suggestions though (maybe not the marathon!) and will be trying some of those out. You have helped put some logic back into this situation so thankyou!

Hi GemAndLogan, thankyou for your suggestions. Sometimes it's hard to step outside the box and see a different perspective. I'm sorry you are going through this too, I know what you mean about the continuing cycle of the breakup... it's seems to hurt more the 2nd, 3rd, 4th... time round. I know things will get better with time, and I need to fill my time with things that will benefit me now. As both yourself and Candombera suggested meditation I think I will have to give it a go. Thankyou for your support, let me know how things turn out for you too.

Thank you for the reply and your kind words Carmen.

It is always a comfort to know that you're not alone on this sort of journey.

We will both get there for sure!

A good meditation is called Smiling Mind, it used to be just a podcast but now it is an app which is great.

It's free and I found it very helpful.

Take care of yourself, onwards and upwards!