non-binary

[Robby60]

I have a child in their early twenties who over the last couple of years has embraced non-binary culture and evolved a friendship group of people who are non-binary or trans. I am now under the impression that my child intends to start hormone therapy. While I appreciate that there are people who undertake sex changes and become more at peace with themselves as a result, I worry that there is a significant contemporaneous political push of non-binary concepts, for example people writing children's books for pre-schoolers introducing such concepts, and that there seems to be conflicted research on this topic with some ardently advocating non-binary concepts and others expressing concern about health outcomes. My child is super touchy at any conversation about this with me.

I have seen a research paper that shows a higher incidence of childhood trauma correlation in people who self-identify as non-binary. My child has had some childhood trauma. I know two other parents who have non-binary children and both these children have failed to launch as economically independent adults.

I'm very worried that my child may go down a path, possibly non-reversible, that might fail to provide the peace of mind they are seeking and end up with them being worse off. I am trying to figure out how to distinguish between someone who has true gender dysphoria and someone who is looking for anything to try to escape themselves. Any thoughts appreciated.

[Sophie_M]

Hi  Robby60,

Thank you for sharing such a brave and honest post here today. We can hear it’s a lot to take in, and you clearly have so much love and kindness for your child. This is a welcoming and supportive space, and I’m sure our community members will have lots of understanding for what is happening for you.

We imagine that there must be a lot of unanswered questions that you have around this, and it is completely understandable. While there can be an vast amount of information and opinions about the “why” of transitioning, something that is clear is how deeply it can impact the child and their family. For parents of a young person, we recommend checking out the ‘what to do when your child comes out’ article from Minus 18. This has some great tips on supporting your young person at what can be a really overwhelming time.

QLife are an amazing organisation. They offer anonymous, LGBTQI+ peer support and referral for people wanting to talk about a range of issues including sexuality, identity, gender, bodies, feelings or relationships. They welcome contact from people who may not be LGBTQI+ but who want to talk about someone else they care about. You can reach them on 1800 184 527 or via webchat.

We'd also really recommend having a look through the QLife directory, where you'll find info, support, and peer support networks for family and friends of LGBTQIA+ people. For example, there's qheadspace, where anyone under 25 can discuss anything LGBTQIA+, and Black Rainbow, a national Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander LGBTIQ+ Sistergirl and Brotherboy organisations in the pursuit of positive health and wellbeing.

We hope you can be kind to yourself also as you process this. We welcome your call if at any point you’d like to talk things through – we’re available on  1300 22 4636, or on webchat.

Thanks again for sharing here. We hope the kind words, advice and understanding bring you some comfort. 

Kind regards,  
Sophie M

[Fiatlux]

Hi Robby60,

As a mum of 3 adult children all 25+ now, all I can say is don’t be afraid of it. 

Although none of My children have not come out as LGBTQI+ but they have spoken to me about the topic of being non binary and they don’t see it as an issue.

My daughter, the youngest is married to a man and they have a traditional marriage.

My sons are still single but neither have identified as anything other than male but have friends who are LGBTQI+ and it’s not even mentioned among their friendship group.

As for your concern about your child never being economically independent adult, I think my parents generation had this concern about hippies back in the day. They are baby boomers now.

I don’t know what area of work or study is of interest to your child, but there are plenty of careers and workplaces that being non binary is not even an issue or a concern.

What you child needs from you is support and even some understanding but definitely acceptance regardless of what or who they choose to identify as. Acceptance and support will build respect and strengthen your relationship as your child grows into Adulthood.

Maybe try telling your child that you are interested in knowing more about what on binary is and means to them. Don’t be afraid to ask questions.

Good luck and you love your child unconditionally. Fiatlux 🙏🏼

[therising]

Hi Robby60

To say that parenthood can be confusing and stressful at times is an understatement. As a mum to a 21yo gal and 18yo guy, I've honestly said to them 'I have no idea what I'm doing (as a parent) at times'. While they find this amusing, they also admit they don't always know what they're doing as a kid or young adult either. We agree we're all kinda winging it together. There are just so many challenges that no one prepares you for. What you face as a parent is a biggie.

It's definitely different in this day and age. While I feel both genuinely happy and relieved for those who no longer have to struggle and suffer through discrimination, when it comes to how they identify, there's another side to our children's generation having gained this sense of freedom. Forgive me if I'm wrong but I get a sense that this is where you're coming from. While young people aren't just free to question how they identify themselves, they're actually encouraged, is such encouragement presented carefully and thoughtfully? Are all consequences really considered? While one young woman may say without a doubt 'I have always felt like a boy/man. I have always felt I am in the wrong body, ever since I can remember' another may ask 'How do I identify (my self)?'. It's more a 'Do I identify in this way or that way?' scenario. Some choices or decisions cannot be made lightly, leading to regret. So, how does a parent guide a child so they're not left facing the consequence of deep regret down the track?

Every significant quest, including the quest to discover who we truly are, can involve a heck of a lot of questions. I think it's about asking the right questions. Yep, hard to know what the right questions are at times, that's for sure. I've found some of the right or best questions in getting to the bottom of things can be 'Do you know why you feel the way you do? How do you actually feel right now, emotionally? Do you know what or who has led you to think the way you do? Do you know what's led to your change in beliefs or perhaps why you can't let go of some old beliefs that are challenging you? Do you have a vision/image of a future that's leading you in a particular direction? Do you want to tell me how it appears to you? Do you need guidance beyond the level of guidance I can offer?' and the list goes on.

I think the greatest question of all time would have to be 'Do you know who you are?'. Identity is such a strange thing. Through trauma, it can shift significantly. Through an application to Births, Death's and Marriages we can alter one of our most significant forms of identification, our name. With time said to be nothing more than a construct or form of measurement, even our age becomes questionable. Identity can be such a shifting thing, especially as we evolve. How to help our kids make the best decisions when it comes to how they shift and identify or re-identify can be a massive challenge for them and us as guides. Btw, the shedding of identity can come with its own challenges. It's said that the ego is always looking for something or someone to identify with (new or old, good or bad, it will take whatever it can get). In a more soulful challenge, when a lot of the old stuff is gradually being shed (through some form of personal healing) it's important to redevelop or reform incredibly carefully. Whether your child's friends are leading them to a sense of healing from the past, this may factor into things.

[Robby60]

Thanks therising. I certainly feel your are seeing the issue. With a young adult they tend to say that the way they feel right now is the way they've always felt even though as a parent you remember clearly how they were 5 years ago and it does not seem to be the case. We live in zeitgeist where a parent is likely to receive stern shaming, if not worse, for failing to 'affirm' their child's expressed identity. But when your child is saying that they've always been this way about an apparent expression of identity that has only occurred for a recent small percentage of their life from what you've observed, it's hard not to be a bit concerned if they're planning to embark on a non-reversible physical change. You're dead right about trying to come up with the right questions to try to get them to be honest to themselves and aware of the gravity of their choices. It's hard not to worry. I notice that some of my child's friends wax lyrical about being non-binary but sometimes I wonder if there's a bit of self-justifying going on. Sometimes people are very keen to say what a great idea something is because they're trying to convince themselves of the merit of their own choice as much as as a result of any benefit.

[therising]

Hi Robby60

I suppose researching or investigating other people's experiences could be a part of the plan. What have other parents faced or other kids or people in general faced, who've dealt with this kind of challenge? Of course you're going to get a wide variety of experiences, some of them insightful and some not. Some will have educated opinions, some extremist opinions, some will speak of the best thing they or their child ever did, whereas others may speak of deep regret (perhaps questioning why others didn't change their mind). Another part's about how to not come across as being brutally judgemental while exercising the right kind of judgement calls our kids need us to make. Supposedly the human brain doesn't finish fully developing until the mid to late 20s. The last part is said to involve long term vision, which involves recognising long term consequence when it comes to choice. To serve as parts of child's brain that haven't developed or fully developed can be a tough call as parents. Easy stuff, taking their little hand to cross the road when their undeveloped brain isn't capable of leading them to do this successfully. Much much harder to guide them when the bigger challenges come along later.

I've found one of the hardest things about parenthood to involve trusting my kids are making the right calls as they grow up. At times I've made the right calls for them and at other times they have made the best ones. I think what's made it easier over the years has involved gradually developing a reasonable relationship. If they are able offer me reasons behind their calls and I am able to offer them reasons behind mine, then it becomes about the ability to offer, exchange and listen to reason (aka 'to be reason able'). If our children can't offer us valid reasons, then we simply can't relate to how they think and feel. Same goes for us. It was my daughter who woke me up to this, when she was younger. Was kind of along the lines of 'You tell me what to do but don't give me the reasons behind why you want me to do or not do these things'. It was a fair point that changed the course of our relationship. Speaking of my daughter, she has a friend who was born female and is transitioning into male. The amount of counseling that precedes hormone therapy is pretty extensive. It's partly designed to help a person make the right choice, as opposed to the choice they think they want.

[Robby60]

What causes me anxiety is that my child is about to go into their final semester of a Uni degree and they intend to start HRT. I've suggested postponing the HRT until after they've finished their degree, which would only be a few months, but they intend to start straight away. I've relieved them of the need to worry about rent, food and transport to make it as easy as possible to get through their degree. If they have big mood swings from HRT and any difficulty in finishing their course I'll be very, very frustrated. I also wonder about whether taking HRT is going to put them in a better place at all but any kind of questioning of an individuals decision to take HRT seems to be interpreted as a lack of 'affirming' and seen as similar to the seven deadly sins. Endocrine disruption is a big deal physiologically and from what I've seen if you ask for it you get it no questions asked and I'm not entirely convinced that that's a good thing.

[therising]

Hi Robby60

You're definitely and open minded, deeply caring and wonderful parent (full of so much wonder). I know plenty of parents who, through a closed mind, would simply refuse to wonder about the best way forward. They're more so the kind that would be inclined to say 'You're being ridiculous. I don't want to hear anything further about it'.

I think one of the hardest things to deal with in life is emotion. It's so complex because there can be multiple forms of emotion or energy in motion. There's mental, physical and natural or what some may call soulful. It's all energy in motion that we can feel happening within our self, in one way or another. While our child could say to us 'I want to feel joy, happiness, relief, a sense of progress or a sense of change' (all natural or soulful emotions), we could be trying to reason with them through explaining the challenges that can come with major chemical shifts of energy (aka 'physical emotion'). Add certain forms of energy to the body, chemical or otherwise, and those forms will act as promoters and/or disruptors. They can promote certain abilities and/or disrupt certain abilities. I suppose one approach could involve asking your child something along the lines of 'While the HRT will promote your ability to transform into who you wish to be, what's it known to disrupt? What impact can it have on focus, motivation, mental wellbeing etc? These are my concerns based on how much I care about you'.