No touch, No intimacy, No sex

[radish58]

Hello,

I have been married for 42 years and I love my wife, though at times I feel empty,  sad.

I am a social person, I talk to just about anything,  I keep myself reasonably fit.

The relationship with my wife has gradually become frustrating. We are for the most good friends, while I am an outwards person, my wife is happy to watch her favourite shows on television,  or a streaming channel.  If that makes her happy, I don't have a problem.  

My wife does suffer from anxiety and at times as I have said to her, it is not so much what she says, it is her tone of voice, it can deflate me.

Our marriage, we had ample sex and if the children weren't around she loved me carresing her body, especially hey bottom, just gentle rubbing.

Our sex life has taken a nose dive, I mean it is non existent. Each time the mood is there, something takes it away,  the mood dies completely. 

This morning as I walked behind her, I gently touched her bottom, she was dressed as was the case most times except,  in the bedroom, her reply " would you stop doing that ". I said you used to love that, stone silence.

Yes she has body issues,  I am her husband, to me it makes no difference. I saw her naked the other day, her response " can i have some privacy " , I replied I am your husband, again dead silence,  I walked away.

We have 3 beautiful adult children and 2 of the best grandchildren.  We see each other at least once a week.

I feel torn, I do get upset, angry. I have retired just 5 months ago and although helping out family keeps me busy, I ask my wife where would you like to go on a holiday? 

Her response is family or the painful one, we can't afford it, I ran a successful business for 38 years, she was all for selling and retiring, we made money, we have money. I am questioning whether I should go to Bunnings and get something for a project as she makes m3 believe I am wasting fuel, now I don't know what to do. I do know th8s cannot continue and I will again try and raise the matters. Thanks for reading. 

[white knight]

Hi Radish, welcome

Reading your truthful post I cant help but feel there is an underlining problem you might not be aware of. Her blunt replies that aren't really full explanations is not in line with the respect you'd expect in such a overall successful marriage.

Holidays- "cant afford it" well I'm your vintage and if younger I'd even tent it if it meant going outdoors. We caravan it now and even an old caravan isnt that expensive, the problem appears that there is no eagerness to go on a trip otherwise she'd think up ways to overcome the tight money situation (from her perspective). We live on our pension and are able to save money each fortnight so I question her attitude and that negative attitude could be her focus on the grandchildren/children and/or that secret real issue. Playing guessing games is a technique my ex wife would use and frankly it's not necessary and can end up destructive... hence you arrive here.

Tone of voice. This is the same as myself, anyone's tone of voice to me signals there attitude. I really cant understand why she cant maturely say "can we talk"... and mention the issues. This lack of direct but fair, gentle and reasonable communication isnt much to ask for and without it, it leaves you in no mans land. As you have been recently retired she has signalled that you should even drive to Bunnings, a mans retreat, so it is like you are bound by your immediate area. We've been retired for 10 years (DSP) and there has been times when money was short but we've talked things through and found a timeframe and my wife has encouraged whatever concept I've dreamt up, but she knows that a flat blunt response is demeaning and she knew my ex wife so she has a clear understanding of my limits.

One idea is to ask her for a detailed and long conversation without distractions. At that meeting you bring up all the issues and write them down. Give her ample opportunity to answer fully. Then go away and review her answers. After 42 years remaining together is still not a given, because your mental health, freedom and pleasantness around people you are in the company of will be your priorities as retirement continues on. So those meetings will enable you to make up your mind about how to overcome the problems of abrasiveness, love making and affection. Clarity is the intent, once you have it then your mind is clearer, one way or the other.

This might be relevant.  A relationship I had for 10 years (not my ex wife) was erratic. I took a liking for buying a trike- 3 wheeled motorcycle. It would cost $40,000. I ran a business so it would be a business purchase and all the benefits of that concept.  My partner held the purse strings and she had allocated a pocket money arrangement for me. It was adequate but not for buying a vehicle. She then said "if you want a trike save for it our of your pocket money". I told her, "my calculations are it would take me 42 years". In a nasty tone she replied "then you better start saving". With other issues like step children we soon parted and I ordered yellow!

Some partner forget that marriage is a compromise that each member is there to ensure their partner is happy and everything is negotiable.

Reply anytime

TonyWK

[Fiatlux]

Hi Radish58,

I will only assume that you are both of retirement age.

I am a 56 year old female going through hellish menopause. I also can’t be touched or hugged as I feel like I am about to suffocate or worse feel like a volcano is erupting inside me.

Husband is 61 and just doesn’t get it no matter how many times I try to explain it. He’s also a touchy man with a high sex drive.

Have you ever considered that your wife may also be going through depression due to hormone deficiency or imbalance?

Dont take it personally but aging sucks for many of us. I understand exactly what she may be feeling and going through. Losing estrogen is like losing your womanhood. Things don’t improve as we age, it’s down hill from here but she may need medical intervention to help her through this time of her life. 

Wishing you all the best but don’t let her go and don’t discard her as many husbands do when we are at our lowest. Fiatlux 

[therising]

Hi radish58

I think one of the hardest things to contend with in a marriage at times can be inner dialogue. If we could hear our partner's inner dialogue, everything would make so much more sense. Sometimes delving into a partner's inner dialogue, through open and honest communication, can be the way to go. The challenge though becomes about both people having or giving themselves the freedom and courage to open up and express what's going on internally. Sometimes a partner can be facing so many different triggers we're not even conscious of.

To offer and example of inner dialogue and a trigger, as a 53yo female who's on the super cuddly side (not what you'd call slim), mirrors have become a trigger more in life now than ever before, especially straight before or after a shower, while I'm standing there in all my glory. The bathroom mirror can trigger the harsh inner critic in me to come to life and it can get pretty brutal. Just some of what it sounds like, 'What the hell has happened to you?! You used to be so beautiful. Now look at you. Your hair is grey, the amount of lines on your face continue to increase and you're so overweight it's repulsive. How could your husband love that?!!!' and on it goes. On a far lighter and self loving note, the same mirror can trigger a far gentler facet which can sound like 'Throw some colour in your hair, blue, pink, purple or whatever. Bring your hair to life. Don't be so hard on yourself. Remember, inside that body you find 'repulsive' you grew 2 amazing human beings. You are colourful, you are the producer of life and you are beautiful'. Inner dialogue can really mess with a relationship at times. No matter whether my husband says to me 'I love you no matter how you look', the harsh inner critic can chime in with ''No matter how you look' just means he knows you're fat but he accepts you and your fatness anyway' or 'He's just saying that because he wants sex' or 'He's just saying that so he doesn't get in trouble'. Sometimes a husband just can't win when he's up against his partner's harsh inner critic. Can be seriously tough competition.

Without going into too much detail, while my husband and I have drifted apart in a lot of ways, the intimacy side of things has actually taken a completely different turn. It doesn't mean what it used to. Now, it's about energy and imagination more than anything else. In regard to the energy side of things, if what used to give your wife a 'charge' was a caress of the bottom, maybe that produces no charge anymore. So the questions could involve 'What would create charges or triggers of excitement that can be felt?', such as simply tucking her hair behind her ear, 'How can I trigger my partner's imagination in exciting ways, like never before?', 'What experiments could be done in the way of experimenting with each other's increases and decreases in energy during intimacy (a wonder filled/wonderful and exciting roller coaster ride)?', 'What if it simply became about having fun and a laugh on occasion or on other occasions it was a form of stress release or maybe even a form of increasing each other's energy levels out of a low?' or 'What if it was all about getting my partner excited throughout the day in ways they can relate to (aka 'a long lead up through foreplay')'. Btw, sexting can become a thing for older couples. Of course, important to delete the texts. Sex can be used as a resource for many things. If depression could be a factor, a possibility Fiatlux mentions, romance can go a long way for some. My personal definition of romance is 'Anything that speaks to the soul'. Depression can be such a soul destroying experience. If you can bring a person's soul to life in ways they can really feel, the kind of charge that creates can be a life changing and naturally exciting one in some cases. If you're willing to venture seriously far outside the square, 'How to bring a person's soul to life through sex' could be worth researching. While it may not be your cup of tea, you could find it's hers. It could bring a whole new and exciting facet of her to life. 'Tea parties' could take on a whole new meaning.