No more romance

[mick02]

Hi all,

Iam new to this and would like to share my story. 

I have been married 1 1/2 years iam 33 and my wife is 36, everything went well before marriage and just recently my wife seems to be ignoring when it comes to romance (let alone sex). Iam a bread winner and we dont have kids. My wife is not an australian resident yet as i have just sponsered her and she doesnt work at the moment. We are living well off and i really do care for her in a way a husband should be when it comes to fulfilling her needs and wants but sometimes it just never get apreciated the way one deserves. At night i urge to make love and romance but my wife never have that single feeling. All this was slowing down after 6 mnths of our marriage. I have sat down and discussed this with her but all i get in reslonse is SHUT UP. She sleeps at night facing her back to me and i approach her and cuddle her from the back but still she has no taste. I have so far discussed this issue with her 10 times but its not working. Iam tending to worry it more and more and getting to cope with stress and feeling nothing is working out . I feel that iam nothing on that bed for her and its all about just hitting the bed and going to sleep. Not kiss no hugs nor any romance its just getting more darker on my side where i cant even have a night sleep. She makes excuses of pain in her abdomen when i want to have sex so i let it go and took her to the doctors and the result was there is nothing wrong in her abdomen. It is really frustrating for me and iam loosing hopes. I urge for that romance and love from a wife and life partner but all i feel is lonely. I think sometimes its better to let it go and just have a another woman who can love me and appreciate me for who iam and be romantic, but iam already committed and what if my next women in my life is worst than this.i have asked her for her opinion about me if theres something wron in me that is making her withdraw from this but she never complained. If any idea on how to fix this then please help and advise.. appreciate your feedback friends...

Mick..

[JessF]

Hello Mick, what I read from your post is an awful lot about your needs not being met and not anything really about your wife.  Have you considered that perhaps she is feeling a bit like a caged bird and a possession at the moment?  Everything about your post suggests to me that she doesn't have a great deal of independence, and relies on you for everything from her residency in this country to even being taken to the doctor.  

When you say you have "discussed this with her", I suspect the discussion has been restricted to what you want to happen in the bedroom.  With respect, your wife is not a sex machine and I think your discussion maybe needs to be broader about how she is feeling about her life in general.  It sounds like she resents you for some reason, and it could well be that she's furious that you can't see why she is upset.  

The comedian Billy Connolly has joked that men need to have sex to feel loved and women need to feel loved to have sex, which puts us on a collision course from day one.  It's funny, but there's a lot of truth to it.  It doesn't sound like your wife is feeling loved, and you need to get to the bottom of that rather than honing in on sex.  

[geoff]

dear Mick, the topic of sex in a marriage/relationship can always become a sore point between the two of you, simply because one of you doesn't feel satisfied and the other one not interested at all.
I want to put this to you, and please don't be upset by what I say, as I know it happens and know a couple of people who live in my town/city, and that is, if I go to Thailand then there are many girls who want to get hooked up with me so that we can marry, which would then entitle them to be able to come back to Aus. legally.
I maybe criticised for saying this, and that's fair enough, but that's all they want is a ticket back home, and once that happens the relationship changes.
Other than that I can't give you any more advice, because no matter what I bought or did for my wife (ex)didn't change a thing. Geoff.

[Kazzl]

Hi Mick - you've had some interesting replies there. I will just add that, in my observation, you haven't mentioned that the situation is causing you to feel mentally unwell or that you feel your wife is unwell - just that you are frustrated and lonely and, perhaps your marriage isn't working.

We're not professional relationship counsellors here, (or even agony aunts if you know what I mean). We're people with lived experience of mental illness. Doesn't mean we can't or won't try to help, but I wonder if maybe we're not what you need - perhaps you'd be better to see a marriage counsellor. I understand you can do that as a couple or individually. 

Regards

Kaz