No family, no close friends or others

[blueraven]

Hi, because of my toxic family situation I had to leave them. I found myself among some toxic people after that several times over and learnt the lesson that I had to leave them too. I now live by myself and other than 2 not-so-close friends, I don't really have any other friends. I've tried getting closer to these friends but they have their own problems. I feel so alien, like there's no way I'll ever be able to have a close family-like group of friends or a partner, even though that's what I ultimately want. I put it off for many years because I was doing my own healing work, but each year that passes by the more alien and undeserving I feel. Now with covid also, it's getting very hard to meet others. I don't feel capable of working. I do have professional support, that's about it.

I was wondering if anyone else is in the same boat? No one close. Is it possible to live like this? If I died perhaps no one would even notice for days...

[Sophie_M]

Hi blueraven,

Thanks for reaching out this afternoon. We're so sorry to hear that you've been feeling so isolated. It can be very difficult to feel that you don't have a support network, and it can take some time to build one. Please know that you are valued here on the forums. It sounds like you are in a dark place at the moment, but please know that things can always improve and we will get through these difficult times together.

It might be helpful to join a support group to try and build a social network in your area.​​​ You can find information on support groups is available on the Black Dog Institute site here - https://www.blackdoginstitute.org.au/resources-support/support-groups/ 

We understand that some things are more difficult during these times. If you feel it might be useful, we'd encourage you to visit our Coronavirus Mental Wellbeing Support Service. The website will be regularly updated with information, advice and strategies to help you manage your wellbeing and mental health during this time.

Many of our members have felt similar and will be able to talk through these feelings with you. Please feel free to keep us updated on your journey here.
 

[Guest909]

Sorry about the late response; I meant to respond to your post earlier and then just forgot about it. The story of my life.

In many respects I am much like you. I tend to stand in the background largely unnoticed. I find it hard to meet new people but I make the effort. Luckily, I have family to fall back on if I need help.

From what you have shared your family background seems less than supportive. I'm guessing that has left you with a bunch of problems that most people don't understand.

Are you working? Do you have any interests; online gaming, cards, sport, music, bush walking, surfing etc. By way of some practical assistance, there is a web page called "meetup" that will connect you with people in your area that share similar interests. It might be worth a look. Just google "meetup Australia".

As to your question, you are not alone; others are in the same boat.

Let me know how you go.

[golden82]

Hi BlueRaven & Guest909,

I am also sorry for a late reply - I only just came across your post now. I am sorry to read of your experience - I relate completely - it is almost like I wrote the post myself. So please know that as Mr Paul said - you are not alone, there are others in the same situation. Although it doesn't change your situation - hopefully it gives you some comfort to know that you are not the only one...

my 'family' are so cruel that I have been left to spend Christmas and my birthday alone for over 5yrs now. It is heartbreaking for me - and I turn it inwards and think there is something wrong (or as you say alien) with me. This seems a very common reaction we blame ourselves or think we are the problem. But, with supports such as this site and the people that post on here - just keep reminding yourself no, you are not the problem - and of your worth and finding your own 'tribe' who align with your values and treat you the way you deserve to be treated. I believe it is better to be alone than with toxic people who bring you down.

Think of all the skills you have from this - learning about yourself, resilience (I hate this one - people say it to me all the time) but yeah, the ability to be alone. I am the same - if I died in my flat - no-one would notice until the smell. It is a depressing thought - so try not to think these thoughts. Try and keep your mind in the positive about yourself. I have been in hospital many times and the nurses tell me you have to be your own best friend! It is hard to do (I am not there), but I believe it is true. Take care 🙂

[Guest909]

Hi Golden82

Well said.

I'm sorry to hear about you family experience. When all else fails, when life kicks you to the ground, family are supposed to be there for you.

You mentioned being in hospital many times, is that something you would like to talk about? Tell me to but out if you like; I will take the hint.

Cheers

Guest909

[Confusedmum74]

Hi blueraven,

I totally get where you are coming from. I have found that keeping busy helps me while it’s not so good for my house (to many hobbies) it’s been good for my mind. Finding friends is very hard and those without any issues even harder. This is a good place to chat and get to know people so don’t be afraid to reach out.

[blueraven]

Thank you golden83 guest909 and others for responding. It means a lot actually to know there are others out there struggling with the same. I understand what it's like to have an unsupportive family. Just so painful, so little that I want to do while being alone... 😞

[Bodey294]

Hello blueraven,
I can’t help but relate a lot to the situation and feelings you are experiencing. For example, feeling lonely and not having a strong family and friendship network. These types of relationships takes to years to build and makes it terrifyingly difficult to find and create a new one when starting from scratch. Even more so when dealing with a mental illness.
I believe being isolated and lonely for a very long time can constrict a persons thinking (sort of like tunnel vision). It can make a person forget the feeling of self acceptance for just being you and the deserving of receiving love from others including from yourself.
I have experienced this in my personal life. For example, I found that dealing with chronic loneliness lead to a creeping unconscious belief that I had no value as a human and felt unaccepted for me, as a potential friend or as partner.
But right now I am learning new ways to love myself and hope to learn how to receive love from others. Examples of self love for me include taking care of my sleep (stretches before bed increase muscle relaxation and usually help me fall asleep quicker) and getting some exercise out doors so I try to go for a jog a few times a week. I am starting to feel valued and accepted by myself and gradually learning how to receive love from others too. I did not learn this from a young age when a typical child is supposed to. No one taught me how and I could not teach myself. I already had barriers in the way like my cognitive delay and my well meaning mother doing everything for me.
An example of receiving love from others include me and my sister going on more walks in the morning and we talk more honestly with each other. I also have re ignited and strengthened two old friendships and we talk more frequently over the phone. I wish to maintain and commit to these loving friendships into the far future.
I am grateful I still have good relationships with my family despite being quite separated physically.
Despite these efforts I still live alone and COVID19 is making it so difficult to cope. I hope to find a partner that I learn to receive love from and commit to and vice versa.
Sorry for the essay. This was like a rant about my experience when it comes to loneliness, friendship and family and I just felt compelled to write this as I relate to what you said in your post and it also feels very cathartic for me to write this and provides me with clarity on my own thoughts.

[Alone8888]

Blueraven, I have been alone my whole life. It's very sad and tiring. Been through abused, used etc. I was manipulated not to have kids coz i had to provide financially overseas. So i was scammed for 14 years of my fertile age. Depression worsen & became suicidal again when i learnt i have been scammed so that's another 10 years trying to cope. I do wish for the sadness & anxiety to end but i don't know when that would be.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Alone8888,

Welcome to the forums, we are so glad that you've taken a big step in sharing here. We hope you find some comfort in sharing here, and in hearing from the lovely community members, many of whom will be able to relate to what you’ve been through.

It can sometimes take people a while to reply when a thread is a few months old, so we want you to know you’d be very welcome if you wanted to start a thread of your own on the forums. There’s a bit of info on how you can do that here.

If you ever want to talk this through with one of the lovely Beyond Blue counsellors, feel free to give us a call on 1300 22 4636, or you can reach them through Online Chat here (11am-12am AEDT).

Thank you for sharing this and giving this community a chance to offer you their understanding and advice. We’re here to listen and offer support, and you never know how your story might help someone else.

Kind regards,

Sophie M