Nightmares gone but grief continues

[Moonbeamer]

A couple of months ago my nightly anxiety nightmares seem to have ended.

I have experienced nightmares most nights for many decades - they are anxiety dreams. Usually in these dreams there is something that needs to be done (eg pack for a trip) in a limited time (eg catch a boat). I start the task and realise it is too big a job for me to do without help, but no-one helps. The people who should assist (eg they are going on the same trip) disappear or happily wander off doing their own things oblivious to the growing urgency. I ask for help but no-one hears me - no sound comes out. I keep doing the overwhelming task alone in increasing panic. I get exhausted and keep trying to get noticed so someone may help... always in vain. I wake up very upset, sometimes crying, sometimes screaming.

In the real world, I did lose my voice as a teenager. Home and school were bastions of bullying and verbal abuse and after a while I stopped talking. I had stopped eating too. I was being yelled at whenever I spoke, so I just stopped. I was still yelled at and abused (for not talking), but I just gave up.

Fast forward to now. Six-ish years ago I withdrew from contact with my family. This was after decades of difficulties and abuse. Without the love and compassion of my partner and dogs I would not have survived it. There was a major crash in my mental health, but things have steadily improved. I can now say I am probably my most content and free I have ever been... but the grief is still there.

Not just deep sadness (missing a happy loving family that never really existed) but also quite a lot of confusion and anger.

I have come to realise that lots of really nasty things happened that no-one has ever taken responsibility for. I have never in my life received an apology from anyone in my family for even the smallest thing - apparently they decided I was never to deserve it. At the same time, I still have the (bad) habit of apologising for everything. I feel that with all the years of lies, abuse, scape-goating and double standards that I have been treated very unjustly. I've never been allowed my say. There is no possibility for restitution. No possibility for basic human respect.

Things seem to be getting better, but the unfairness is almost physically painful. The nightmares seem to have gone but these thoughts and feelings keep me awake at night and I worry about it all the time. 

[indigo22]

Hi Moonbeamer.

Thank you for sharing what you are going through/been through.

I am very glad to hear your anxiety dreams have dissipated, they would be very difficult to deal with on a ongoing basis. It's also good to hear you have a loving partner to support you and animals are always a wonderful source of healing. It sounds like you have made great progress in your healing journey so you have every reason to be proud of yourself for the work you have done.

I also grew up in a dysfunctional family, different circumstances to yours, but can relate to your feelings. I think you have done the right thing in separating as toxic relationships will just drag you down further, the longer you are in them. I also understand the grieving process for the loss of them. I am alone with no family either, although my circumstances were mostly forced upon me. I never got any apologies either, but I now understand that they probably never saw that they did anything wrong. What seems so clear to you, is probably an alien way of thinking to them. So you may need to give up your desire to have that feedback from them, which I know is not easy, but necessary for your healing journey. If you are having trouble reconciling the experiences you had with your family, perhaps you need to talk them through with someone. Have you had any counselling? It does not need to be with a specialist, but perhaps your GP could refer you to someone to do some work with. I know about wishing things had been different, but that won't change the past. You need to find acceptance and heal from those experiences in order to move forward and find a better future for yourself. I hope that this has been of some help to you and you are welcome to continue the conversation with me anytime you wish.

Take care,

indigo22