New to this and alone
Im new to these forums and wasn’t sure where to start. I’ve recently been told my marriage is over, with no warning or will to fix this it and I’m im so lost.
Struggling to get through each day and feeling so heart broken, hurt and isolated.
It feels worse every day. And while the kids are a good distraction for parts of the day it only takes a minute to come flooding back.
I know I’m not in a good place but with no support and the one person I put my trust in being the one that broke me, I’m not sure what’s next.
How do you pull yourself out of the dark hole?
Hi soul search,
I’m sorry to hear what you’re going through. It sounds as though you’ve had the rug pulled out from under you, and must be feeling so confused, sad, angry and a whole range of emotions. I think you just need to go into a sort of survival mode. It’s clear you can’t rely on your partner so you’re going to have to pull up your bootstraps and do this one on your own. It’s daunting and you must feel like in a total fog right now, but you need to start thinking in practical terms. I also find it is helpful as it removes emotion from the situation and instead you can focus on what you need to do. Firstly, do you need to see a solicitor? That may be a good place to start. Do you have somewhere that you and your children can live? Are you able to stay in your home or will you need to find somewhere else? When I left my abusive long-term partner, I found that thinking about the future was not helpful at all so I just focused on getting through each day. And I came to realize that life was actually a lot better and more peaceful on my own.
I certainly haven’t suffered long term abuse, that must have been so hard for you I’m sorry.
I’ve just been blind sided and that’s what got me so confused.
I continue to be given false hope that things may be ok to then be sent a message saying the opposite. It’s really hard to find any peace.
I think my practical thinking right now is more basic, as you say survival mode - having food in the house for the kids and getting outside with them before providing a proper meal and rest. Literally the basics but that is such effort right now. I’m worried I can’t maintain it.
It feels impossible.
Welcome to the forum. I am sorry that ypou have been shocked and surprised by what has happened.
Juilet has givem helpful advice.
Are there any friends or family who can offer support.
I think just one day at a time survival mode as you said, doing the basics,
Does writing down your feelings help or hurt/
You are not alone and we are listening. There will be people readinh your post who wont repy and they will be helped to know they are not alone.
Hi soul search,
Yes I remember that feeling well, almost like you have a constant lump in the back of your throat and just barely stifling a cry. I remember having to suppress it all day in the office and then just falling apart and crying uncontrollably on the way home from work. But in the next weeks and months, I started looking forward to going into the office to have a break from it all, and then over time I noticed I started laughing again and the sadness became less of a thing. Time is what will get you over this, the human spirit is a remarkable thing, don’t underestimate yourself. Survival mode will get you through this part, you will have bad days, but you will keep going. This right now is the hardest part, I promise you it will get easier. But in the meantime do you have anyone who can help you? Even if it’s just a shoulder to cry on over the phone? If not, there is always the beyond blue helpline. Just talking to someone, even someone you don’t know, is healing.
I am so sorry you are going through this right now. I was in a very similar place about a year and and a half ago. I can tell you from my own experience, the passing of time does help. It's tough and hard and 'a lot' to get through. And, one foot in front of the other until the numb, shock and pain go away. 'No contact' as much as possible helped me (though difficult with kids) as each contact drags you back down and you hang on for even the smallest positive from them. I had no one to talk to about it so I found talking on Beyond Blue really helped me. Also, any kind of distraction that can help you not think about it for a little while. The advice about getting a solicitor is really important to ensure you and your children's financial welfare is protected. If you can keep going through the motions for the moment, you find eventually your heart gets a little lighter bit by bit, you find yourself re-engaging over time. That probably doesn't help right now so know you are stronger than you think and you will get through it. It does get better.
Yes that’s exactly what I’m doing suppressing everything until I get a moment alone and it all comes flooding back.
that’s when I feel I’ve lost control.
There is still constant and daily interactions with us and I unfortunately turn them into hope, even though I’ve been told there is none. Denial is an awful thing to battle. I feel like I’ve been treated in such a cruel way and it turns to anger very quickly, and then I’m just sad. So sad.
I’m not ready for a solicitor or taking that step yet, it feels like the end if I do that and I can’t get myself to do it. We spent the last few years building a beautiful family home and to think it’s all gone now, and the children how will they cope. That’s too overwhelming.
unfortunately all my friends are “our friends” and my partner has only told a few select people, so I’m still living in this lie and cant talk to them. I have a few other close friends who live far away but lockdown has made it hard to connect in recent years and now especially. I feel like a burden to them.