New on here no family support

[Gordomax]

Hi There, I am new on here and I thought I would reach out as thought this couldn't hurt as with havi g no family support.My family and I moved to Qld a year and a half ago from Auckland.We had lived there for over 10 years and I was very happy there.We came back as my Dad was very sick with Alzheimer's . I wanted to spend time with him before he deteriorated further.Despite the illness we were very close. He went downhill very quick and he past away on March.My mum is very controlling and always has been since I was little. She is in the medical industry and high up and runs her clinic.Despite being retired and only working one day a week.She doesn't know how to switch off with her control. She refuses to accept that she is wrong and that she is perfect and nothing she does is wrong.After I lost my Dad she went full steam ahead with funeral planning.She wanted to check my eulogy and everything from funeral planning had to be under her terms.I spent the last week in hospital watching him die.No one else in family could handle seeing him like that.As I am married to a Polynesian man and family and closeness means alot to them.I didn't want him to die alone.Shortly after the funeral due to the terrible emotional abuse of my mum.I had a breakdown and was admitted to psychiatric hospital.Now that my father is gone I would love to move back to nz as soon as I'm able too.As having no family support don't see the point of being back here.My sister has just moved back from overseas but we aren't close and she always sides with my mum.My husband says I should move on from my Dad as he has passed away.But my heart is broken and the closest family member has left me.So the struggle is trying to move on.So all I have is living with the memories of him.

[geoff]

Hello Gordomax, thanks for coming to the site, sometimes it's not easy to open up your heart, but pleased you have and so deeply sorry about your dad passing away.

If your mum constantly has control, then it can be difficult to build a relationship, and often parents are stuck in their own ways and continue this behaviour because they think they're doing the right thing, but to you, it's not, it's controlling and not showing you any empathy, unfortunately, causing your breakdown, that must be so upsetting to have to go through this, I know myself how awful it is.

To move on from your dad passing away is never easy, especially when he was your close confidant and by moving back to NZ may seem to be a good idea, how you feel now will also follow you, that's why it's best for you to have some grieving counselling first, so you can then get your strength back.

Don't try and cope with this on your own, learn to do what works for yourself with the help of a counsellor, then you will be better off.

Take care.

Geoff.

[Croix]

Dear Gordomax~

I'm sorry your dad has passed away. Sitting with someone so that are not alone when the time comes is heart-rending and leaves a deep mark. It is however an act of great love and kindness. I did the same for my first wife and really believe a loved one's presence does help.

Having a domineering mother leaves its mark too, and I would think the distance from her you had before while you were in NZ wold have given you a measure of peace. While it might be understandable to accept someone's over-control at the time of a partner's death it's not something one can endure long term. I'd think your desire to distance yourself from her is a sensible one.

'Moving on' is a wonderful phrase. It implies it is normal and expected to stop feeling grief. A silly idea. Everybody grieves in a different way, there is no timescale, and it is not even constant, some days being better than others. I hope in time you will not have your mind preoccupied by your dad's last few days and his absence, but will be able to look back with affection at all the times you enjoyed and shared life with him.

Do you think it is likely you will return to NZ?

Croix

[Gordomax]

Thankyou croix for those words. As I do feel very alone and cut off from everything. I think our plan is to move back to nz we just need to save up.My husband struggles with my mother too and he knows she is not good for my mental health.So he supports my decision to move back.I struggle with not only having a mother who I don't get on with but a brother and sister also.There is no one that challenges her and they all side with her and support her decisions. It is like she is untouchable. After I had a difference of opinion with her she told the family I was having a breakdown so she could explain why I was acting how I was.

[Croix]

Dear Gordomax~

I'm glad your husband understands and you will get back to NZ when you can, something to look forward to. When a child with a domineering parent things can look endless.

Breaking away from a parent like that is no small thing, and by the sound of it you are the only one of the three of you that has managed to do so. At least your husband has someone on his side - yes I know I'm looking at things backwards, however if your brother or sister have partners I'd not envy their state, with your bother or sister putting a parent before them.

Some people simply have to be right, and if someone disagrees they need to discredit that someone, not admit they might be wrong. Sadly it sounds as if your mother is one of those.

The sooner you're out of her influence the better. In the meantime are there any steps you can take to concentrate on other things?

Croix