New member. Struggling with mental health after beak up.

[MK35]

Hi, just a quick introduction but I plan to post again soon. I'm 35yo and recently just separated last month from a short but intense relationship of 8 months. I'm feeling hopeless, useless, low self esteem, constantly feeling down. From what I've experienced she seems like a text book case of bpd/npd and I've just been discarded.

[pipsy]

Hi MK35. Lynda is my name. You must be feeling pretty much like you lost everything at the moment. If what you say is true though with your former partner having bpd/npd, perhaps it's just as well you're away. I realise that's not what you want to hear, nor need to hear. Having bipolar would cause severe mood swings, that coupled with npd, means basically she will never admit to the mood swings. NPD's seldom, if ever 'see' themselves the way they truly are. They have this feeling that they're 'better' than everybody, therefore have the right to treat others as they like, be it nice or nasty. You were probably walking on eggshells most of the time, wondering if the next word was going to lead to her snapping. Your self esteem would've nose-dived because you were made to feel inferior. Was she openly critical or just behind closed doors. If it was just behind closed doors, you're going to have to accept that no-one who knew you as a couple will believe you if you try to tell them what she was like to live with. NPD's have a way of convincing everyone that all they're trying to do is support you and you keep showing her up. They twist things to suit their purpose. The fact that she also may have bipolar makes the situation harder because she possibly imagined you were saying or doing things behind her back. Was she taking medication, if she wasn't, it would've been harder for you. I know you are feeling really bad at the moment, but if she has this condition, you need 'time' to heal from emotional bruising. If you need to talk, please phone our helpline which is listed at the top of the page. We have trained counsellors who can listen and guide you to a more settled feeling. You are not alone, ever. BB has many posts from both partners living with someone with NPD, plus people with bipolar asking for guidance with this crippling condition. This is not your fault, she will never get help as she will possibly never admit to having NPD or BP. There is a column on this forum directly advising the effects and various personalities of NPD. If you can find it, it would help you to read it, therefore giving you a better understanding of the condition.

[MK35]

Thanks for the reply Lynda. I should clear up when I say bpd I mean borderline personality disorder, but more often the symptoms are of NPD.

Yes all of the above! You are right she never will admit it and seek help, the only time has been to convince me that things will change. But within a week things were back to normal, and the whole discussion about seeking help was forgotten. She has an amazing personality socially, it was only ever behind closed doors and no one would ever believe it. Even my closest friends found it hard to believe, when I told them about some of the things that had happened. She wasn't on any medication, because obviously nothing was wrong with her of course.

It's been a month now, and I think understanding the disorder has helped me make progress. But I still feel like I'm not my usual self, like i've been destroyed mentally. I like to think I am/was self motivated, driven, ambitious, successful, focused. But lately all I feel is uselessness, drained.

I know I have a lot of positive things going for me in my life, I have a good career and recently just got promoted. I'm very enthusiastic about cycling and have a couple of groups I ride with weekly, and to be honest I think this has been the most critical part to my recovery early on. I'm healthy, my finances are healthy. I have a few good mates that have been there for me during this tough time, and a very flexible and understanding work place. But yet, there are times where I just feel so alone, there's this void that I don't know what to do with.

[geoff]

hi MK, when a relationship or marriage has to go through what both of you have, then it's feels as though the bottom of the world has dropped away, so now the two of you are suffering, and even though you cycle, have good mates and doing well, isn't going to be enough for you to pull you out of all of this, so now you suffer from a ricoshade from your partner who is denying that there are problems, so can I suggest that you go and see your doctor, so that you are able to cope with what is going on.
Unfortunately she maybe good when socially out but as soon as she gets home then her personality changes, so the night has then been spoilt.
The conditions she is suffering from are serious and unless she accepts that she needs treatment plus to be on medication for these conditions then you will fall deeper than where you are now, and at the moment it's not good.
Our friends never believe us when we tell them what is actually happening, so they take us as a fool or just pretending, but eventually something will snap and then they will find out, but as you have posted this comment my concern is that you get help, because even if you decide to move on then the 'after effects' will still be with you.
You are a successful person, done well but what you don't want is to be ruined mentally by this relationship. Geoff.

[pipsy]

Hi MK35. My apologies for the misunderstanding re: your former partner's condition. For some reason I automatically assumed BPD meant bipolar. As Geoff rightly pointed out, when you've been in a partnership of any sort and it collapses it's hard to be 'one' again. You are suffering the after effects of the mental abuse you endured because of her illness. No doubt, part of you started believing her when she started deriding you. You probably, in your innocence, believed everything she said when she told you what she thought you were doing/saying wrong. You would've done anything to try to be what you thought she wanted. The problem here is, no matter what you did or said, because of her illness, she still would've found fault. This is part of her condition. It's also possible, you've altered slightly in your outlook and personality, privately putting yourself down when you think of how she might react to whatever you say or do. I would suggest you ask your Dr for a referral to a psychologist for a type of re-programming. Tell your Dr about your ex partner, the condition she has, tell Dr she's basically in denial. You need help to reaffirm your worth as a human being. You know you're a good person, but because of your ex partner's condition, your self worth has taken a mental bashing. This is where a psychologist would be able to help. They give you 'tools' to work on to improve your esteem.

Cheers and good luck, Lynda.