New and Needing Support

[Zigs0101]

I am reaching out to im not sure who, but reaching out all the same. I am ending a long term toxic and abusive relationships. I know it’s the right thing to do but why can’t I know that deep down? It’s been nothing but emotional and mental abuse and turned physical last night. I have no one to turn to except for him. So how do I move forward ?

[Sophie_M]

Hey Zigs0101, welcome to the Beyond Blue forums. Thank-you so much for having the strength to reach out tonight as we know it is'nt always easy to open up about our lives. We're so sorry to hear that you're involved in an abusive realtionship and that it turned physical last night. We can't imagine how stressed and fatigued you must be feeling. Please know that you are strong, valuable and you have a right to live free from abuse.  We would strongly urge that you contact 1800RESPECT. They offer confidential information, counselling and support 24/7 for people impacted by sexual assault, domestic or family violence and abuse. The lovely supportive counsellors have a lot of experience offering advice to people in your situation who just want to be happy on their own. You can contact them on 1800 737 732 or https://www.1800respect.org.au/ 

If ever you feel unsafe, please contact triple zero and ask for the police. 

You might also find some ideas in reading the stories of others. Some threads you might be interested in reading include:

"Moving on after leaving emotionally abusive relationship" -
https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/ptsd-trauma/moving-on-after-leaving-emotionally-abusive-relationship

"Trying to end an abusive relationship"
https://healthyfamilies.beyondblue.org.au/seeking-support/helping-yourself-and-others/online-forums/ptsd-trauma/trying-to-end-an-abusive-relationship

"Reset button"
https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/ptsd-trauma/reset-button#qwRpXHHzvGGEbv8AAOnT_A

We know it has taken courage for you to share your story today, so thank you again. We hope that you can find some comfort in the forums and please feel free to keep us updated here on your thread throughout your journey. 

[geoff]

Hello Zigs0101, and a warm welcome to the forums.

You have done such a brave move and by only having him to talk to isn't going to help you through this situation, simply because it only holds you back in fear of any extra abuse, which again would give him the domination he demands.

Thanks so much in asking for help where Sophie_M has given you links which will help you, but more importantly, talking to other people suffering from or have been able to overcome this illness, sometimes means more than anything.

I'm not sure on how many occasions you might have left but gone back with his promise that 'he will improve and won't do it again' to finally creating a stronger control over you, and please this is no criticism at all because it often happens.

There maybe many ramifications that you carry on from this abusive relationship but to change your sim card and give your number only to those who won't disclose it to anyone else, especially him and whether you have considered changing your name is something only you can decide.

This is a new chapter, one that you will be able to rebuild but you'll need help in doing this for several reasons, money, property, belongings and other people you can trust, all of these will need to be discussed, with us or your therapist.

Please get back to us.

Geoff.

[therising]

Hi Zigs0101

My heart goes out to you as you face this incredible life changing time of courage and personal reflection. It is incredible how much can be tolerated in our life until things become intolerable.

I see Sophie and Geoff have given you great support here. Such beautiful people, always there with the heartfelt desire to make a positive difference to people. I'm so glad you've come here.

I know this may sound somewhat foolish and perhaps too simplistic, during such a complex and deeply challenging time in your life, but try exercising listening to your instincts. You could also see instinct as inspiration. It is so very hard to trust when self doubt has been placed in our head by another or by others for so long. It's amazing how dismissive we can become over time when it comes to inspiration. Don't know whether this will sound familiar to you:

Inspiration: You need to leave him. You can't keep doing this

You: It's not that bad or Yes, I know or If I don't upset him, he'll be fine (aka 'Walking on eggshells')

Inspiration: You know things are only going to get worse. You have to leave

Inspiration may even be saying to you now 'This is going to be hard but you can get through this'. Perhaps inspiration is what brought you here, to this 2nd step in getting through this life changing challenge. Your 1st step was to walk away from him.

From personal experience, I have found that inspiration throws significant challenges my way, ones that really test me. Within times of fear, I am seriously challenged to become fearless - 'Do not back down!'. In times where self love is lacking, I am challenged to face certain circumstances or people and, in doing so, find pride, self respect and love for myself - 'Do not let this person walk all over you!'. In times of hopelessness, I am challenged to search for hope. With hopelessness, there will be times where what comes to mind can be 'There is no hope in what you're doing. You need to find hope elsewhere'.

Often, anything negative that comes to mind is a destructive belief (put in there by another person). Anything positive that comes to mind can be acknowledged as inspiration. Inspiration is an amazing compass at times, offering direction. Yes, there can also be times where we can be left asking 'Okay, where the heck did my compass go?!', when we feel completely lost.

Zigs, listen carefully to what comes to mind. Turn to yourself and those who inspiration leads you to.

🙂

[Zigs0101]

Thank you Sophie, The Rising and Geoff for your lovely responses.

I really like when you talk about inspirations. Because I am sitting here packing my things and wondering if I’m making the right choice. This isn’t the first time I have left or debated leaving. And some how I go back and try to see the good in him. He can be so manipulative and I’m starting to see that now.

im so scared to he alone and have to find a new place in a country I am not from. I have made the first step and you’re right, that I booked w hotel for a week and leave today. I’m just scared to miss him and if I’m making a mistake. But also the verbal abuse I got again last night shows this must be the right choice.

You are right i need to listen to the inspirations. It has not gotten better only worse. Enough is enough right ?

[Zigs0101]

Thank you for your advice and support. And I know it will just keep happening. Just when I think maybe I’m making the wrong choice and it can Be fixed he proves to me he’s a terrible person. He verbally abused me all night and now when I want to leave todwy while he is at work I just saw he has taken my keys. So I can’t get in and out of the place. So I’ll have to involve other people like the landlord. I am still on the lease and trying to get off it. Losing money and belongings it’s so hard. Guess that’s why I stayed so many times because it was easier to do so. I just want to get away from him start to love myself. Why am I in these situations where I trust the wrong people. Am I not good enough?

[therising]

Hi Zigs

There's absolutely nothing wrong with being a trusting person; it's an expression of a kind nature. It's usually when we are met with the no so kind nature of others that things start to go wrong. Again, I've found this is where we have to begin trusting our self more...yes...our instinct. 'Ooh, that's persons behaviour is rather questionable' should be what automatically comes to mind but because of self doubt, it may not be so automatic. I have learned over time that whenever a person's behaviour is off it's questionable. Whether we wish to question it curiously and silently, in our mind, or we choose to question it out loud, directing it toward the person concerned, the choice is ours.

In answer to 'Am I not good enough?', this is easily and truthfully answered when I say you are far greater than what you currently imagine yourself to be. You may imagine a greater difference tomorrow. You may imagine, in a month's time, greater clarity in the way of moving forward. You may come to a point where you might even say 'I could never have imagined a life as good as this and I could never have imagined myself as being as amazing as this, as strong as this'. Just because we may not be able to easily imagine what our true value might be in this world, we still remain valuable, worth so much. When things gradually become clear to us (for one reason or another), we are never led to ask that question again, 'Am I not good enough?'

You are far far greater than simply 'good enough'. You are far greater than another person's highly questionable and irresponsible behaviour. In fact you're great enough to deserve better.

🙂