Never feel as though I am enough…
This is my first time ever doing something like this… I’m quite a private person so I would normally never speak on such a public forum like this. But at this point in time I don’t feel as though I have anyone left. I can’t talk to my family or friends about what’s going on in my relationship, because I know that it will negatively impact the way they perceive my boyfriend.
I’ve been dating my boyfriend for 9.5 years. For the longest time I had so much hope for our relationship, and felt as though we were going to spend our lives together. For as long as I can remember, I have loved him with ever fibre of my being.
Almost a year ago, I discovered that he had been researching brothels and was considering cheating on me. When I found out, I was devastated and I experienced the worst heartbreak of my life. We were broken up for six weeks before we decided to get back together. A month ago, I discovered that he was considering it again. To say that my self-esteem and trust were destroyed would be an understatement.
He promised me that he would change and that he would never actually go through with it. But I’m not so sure. I love him so much, and I want to believe that he loves me enough not to hurt me like that. But the fact is, even if he had gone through with it, he would never admit it to me. And so I find myself in this constant state of anxiety and uncertainty.
After all of this, I can’t help but feel like I’ll ever be enough for him. It’s getting to be too much and I don’t know what to do anymore. I’ll never look like the girls he wants to be with… But I don’t know what would be worse, the pain of letting him and our relationship go, or the constant feeling of not being enough.
Hello abcdefghijkl, a warm welcome to the forums and thanks for opening up to us.
I'm sure there would be nothing more devastating than to find your partner either viewing brothels or actually visiting them as I would never do this to any spouse/partner, and to answer your question 'what would be worse, the pain of letting him and our relationship go, or the constant feeling of not being enough' well, eventually you will be able to overcome your loss and have someone who loves you through and through, whereas if you are still with him, then this feeling of not being good enough is only going to stick to you.
I'm not sure you can ever trust him not to go, especially behind your back or when you go out with a friend, where he believes he has some free time to visit a brothel, love is so important, but also trust is just as important and if you keep wondering what he's up to, then how can you believe what he says.
I recently caught my partner engaging in another online affair.
I forgave him twice, he's behaviour never changed. Instead he continued.
If he's done it twice already, then he'll likely do it again.
9.5 years is a long time I was with my partner for 10 years. I know it hurts and no doubt heart broken.
Work out what you want. Walk away if you need to. It's hard I know, but you need to work out what you need and what will make you happy and sometimes the only way to find that happiness is through a river of tears.
I wish you all the best xox
Welcome to the forums! You've done an amazing job posting on the forums, as it takes a lot of courage to be able to share our own personal stories here.
I just thought of letting you know, you are who you are, and you're a wonderful, strong, and loving person to be able to go through 9.5 years with your partner. Your partner has stepped over your boundaries, and has broken the trust between you two twice now. It is as what black_rose and geoff said, give yourself some self-love, and seek what is it that you truly want. Once you're able to work that out, you'll be able to know what you deserve, and make the tough decision.
It can hurt to leave someone, especially after 9.5 years of being together and creating many memories together, but you'll heal eventually, and to a certain extent that it'll become just a thought rather a memory that carries many emotional feelings. Alternatively, you can stay and try to work things out with him, but personally I feel life's too short to be forgiving someone who has betrayed you twice over the same thing.
Take care of yourself, you really deserve better.