Never-ending

[Kbet]

I am new to all of this so I hope I make some kind of sense. I feel almost daily overwhelmed by the sheer magnitude of my role in my family and my life. More and more things are thrown my way and I find it difficult to function normally. I have gone through great traumas in my life and after nearly 35 years of suffering, I have only just now sought help to try and fix it. To try and fix me.

I have lost my smile and the mechanisms I used to use to help me cope with the constant stress I face. I have become numb to my existence and the world around me as a whole. I feel empty and hollow inside like my soul is missing. Like who I am as a person will never be returned to me. Nothing is important to me anymore.

How do you continue to get up in the morning to go to a job where you aren't appreciated, or home to a family that treats you as though you are invisible? How do stop the cycle of doubt and anxiety? How can you fill the emptiness when you don't know how you lost it in the first place. How do I stop the never-ending demands put on me by my loved ones to look after them, when I cant even look after myself.

Why is it that none of my family recognise that I am not alright. When they do recognise it, why do they run and hide from me like they cant face the fact that I am not who I was and I don't think I ever will be. They tell me to get over it, or that I am overreacting. I really would like to pack up and leave and never come back.

I just don't know what to do anymore its never-ending.

[Kazzl]

Hi Kbet - doing things just for yourself isn't selfish hun, it's part of caring for yourself and acknowledging to yourself that you are worth time, money, thought, enjoyment. It's about claiming your stake in the world as an individual person who is as deserving as anyone else. And you are.

You must treat yourself well if you want others to do the same. This might sound like a silly example, but you know how they always say on planes that if there's an emergency you have to put your breathing mask on before you even help your children? It's because unless you look after yourself first, you can't take care of anyone else. 

It's hard when your kids become adults and you feel like they don't need you anymore. The truth is they do and always will while they get used to the things life throws at them as adults. Some women feel that there's a hole in their lives when the kids are grown, I prefer to think of it as space. A real chance to find yourself again as just you the person. 

Have a think hun - if you weren't weighed down by work and family responsibilities, what would you like to do, or even rediscover? Small things can make a huge difference. I think learning meditation is a great idea. And are there hobbies or interests you had as a young person that you've given up over the years that might be good to start again? Maybe look for a social group to join? A book club or walking group? 

The thing is hun, you are not alone in feeling this way. Be open to help, and be open to your needs. And keep sharing here.

Very best wishes

Kaz

[Kbet]

Hey Kaz,

This is all great advice and I would love to be able to take care of my own needs as well I just don't know where to start. I have thought about what I gave up when the kids cam along or what I used to do and those things just don't appeal to me anymore. I have spent many hours reading and enjoy it immensely but I have even stopped doing that. I find myself stuck in some way because I don't honestly know what I would really like to get into and my family keeps me so busy that I just don't ever have time for me. I know I hear you, I should make the time. It is not that I don't want to have that time to myself but I feel guilty for even thinking of my needs.

When having a discussion with my ex partner and discussing what I was now having to deal with he advised me that I needed to seek professional help. That our children didn't need to see their mother in this state with not being able to cope etc, I told him that this needs to not be about the kids and there well being.. its not about them its about me. I needed help and support from him because he has the kids every second weekend and I need for him to understand the strain I'm under. Everything I have ever done is for the safety and well being of my children and now I don't even know who I am anymore.

I thought about your post about what I would like to do if I wasn't weighed down by work and family. I have always wanted to take myself up into a mountain and live in a cabin for 6 months with no phone or internet. So I could write my book, relax and get in touch with who I am again and work out what makes me smile. I don't know if this is ever going to happen because I am married and I don't think my husband would ever want me to leave for that amount of time. I know that I would need to do that on my own to really be able to break down my mental walls and process what I am going through.

Anyway Kaz, I really appreciate all the advice and the understanding responses you have given me. Although I am not familiar with doing things for myself I am definitely going to start a list of things I might want to do and go from there.

Hope this day finds you well.

Take care

Kbet

[Kazzl]

Hiya Kbet. I'm really pleased to log on tonight and see your post. I know you're really struggling hun, and trying hard to get the support you need, but I sense there is hope there too. Telling your ex that it's not about the kids, it's about you is a good step forward I think.  And starting to think about what you might enjoy is also very positive.

I like the idea of making a list. I'm a list-maker. The first item on my lists is usually 'make a list', that way when I've done my list there's something I can cross off straight away! Even just starting to write down your ideas, dreams, desires, could be a good way to help you get some distance from the dailyness, and begin to clarify your thoughts and feelings.

Don't be in a big hurry though, don't pressure yourself to achieve everything at once. Keep it possible. I learnt when I was getting sober that the 'one day at a time' approach is helpful for a lot of things, not just stopping drinking. I also learnt that no-one can change your life for you, only you can do that. But we all need help to do it, and help is there. 

Take care of you hun - you are so worth it.

Cheers

Kaz

And if you need it, seek professional help.

[Kbet]

Hi Kaz,

Yeah I am a list maker from way back. I like to make lists so I feel like I am achieving something even if it is getting groceries or picking up laybys and such. I just have never really written one for me and what I want to do or achieve in life, but it could definitely be something I might look into sometime soon. I don't think I will be going into anything big first up because I don't think I could process anything like that atm but I will see if I can get a few things listed at least.

I have always lived this way and have only just realised that I cant continue to do so if I want to move forward in my life. I have basically realised that my life is about everyone else and I want it to be about me for once. I feel selfish, but I know that this is what I need to do atm and I need my families support to get me through. I just hope that I haven't given so much for too long to people who will never give back to me or accept when I say I cant do these things for them anymore(I hope you know what I mean as I don't know if I explained myself properly, sorry!!)

I will be definitely seeing a psychiatrist. My psychologist thinks that I need to see one because my issues are so involved that she thinks I may need to take this further. I hope that this is something that I can achieve and follow through with. I am so scared they are going to lock me up and throw away the key.

Thank you for your kind words of encouragement. I appreciate them. I hope you are well and taking care of yourself. Keep smiling.

Kbet x

[Kazzl]

Hiya Kbet - just checking up on you mate. How are you going?

Kaz

[Kbet]

Hi Kaz,

I am just trying to get through the next few days. I am struggling atm because I don't think I will have enough money to cover me for Christmas and I am worried because all my bills are coming in. It just seems to be getting harder and harder. I cant process anything atm and all I seems to be doing is snapping at people.

I am making myself sick with worry about everything. I just wish I knew what to do. My psychologist appointments aren't helping. I feel worse and worse every time I go there.

I hope today is treating you well.

Take Care and Merry Christmas,

Kbet