Need help with a complex relationship issue involving infidelity...

[TheUnaverageBloke]

Hi,
I've been reading this forum for a few years now, rarely posted anything but the support and kindness I find here is incredible.
I've been hesitant in posting this but I've come to the point where I need help and some guidance.
This is kind of a long story, but I'll start at the beginning...
I've been in love with my best mates sister since I was young, some 25+ years, we've also been great friends to each other, I had tried to go from friend zone to a relationship a few times but was always rejected on the grounds that we were like siblings (having known each other since she was 6 years old, I didn't develop any feelings towards her until I was 16 and she was 14) I have not had a day where I haven't thought of her since telling myself she was the one for me and that one day we would grow old and ugly in each other's arms...
My connection with her ended up causing me to not form any relationships with girls until I was 27, where I gave up and ended up in a committed relationship with a workmate for 8 years... She ended up cheating on me with her ex and we broke up in spectacular form.
I was heartbroken and quickly turned to my friends for support, including her (at the time she was also in a relationship) I got past the blues and found another partner through online dating, the relationship was great initially, we had a lot of shared interests and she was employed in a field that I was interested in yet wasn't my profession (I am quite over educated to say the least without giving too much away). We started trying for our first child (who is a beautiful little 3 yo now) before he was born I had to endure years of mental anguish,, I spent literally years of my life trying to convince her that it will be okay and living is not as bad as she made it out to be.
Since the birth of our first child life with her had been mediocre, many times I heard her say she was a "bad mum and didn't deserve it" even though it was exactly what she wanted. Our intimacy has  completely disappeared, much to my dismay, as it was fairly decent until then.

[TheUnaverageBloke]

Hi Geoff & WK,

Firstly, thank you for you advice. I now understand the immediate need for both a mediator and legal recourse.

After carefully having a discussion with my partner, she turned nasty, so I left the house to remove myself from the situation and ensuing vocal argument which would have had her yelling at me while I talked calmly, as I usual do to not cause my son to wake up and have to listen to his parents arguing. She sent messages to me that there was both no going back from and could be used for both options proposed, such as:
"Let's see how you keep your cool when I start doing things that you disapprove of. You think things are bad now, they can get a whole lot worse..."
and "I'll leave you to look after the kids for the majority of the weekend while I sleep and head off the other peoples houses without them." this was also referring to her cheating on me in the past, which in hindsight I now understood, however she has absolutely no idea that I had been seeing the other party in a romantic sense; and more importantly "If you insist on staying I'll make you wish you never did!!"
As you can plainly see, she doesn't want mediation and only wants to ensure she exacts some kind of revenge by taking the kid/s away.

To make things more depressive for me, the other girl I had been seeing has now ghosted me, saying she needed space to sort out her own issues, which I understood as she has her own baggage and was detoxing from over indulging alcohol, but I have since discovered she is also seeing someone else even after she proposed to me and I had said yes but I needed to sort things out to ensure the kids were going to be ok first. Which hurts a lot having heard her say that to me, although she also said it was more her needing a friend to talk to but she had met the fellow on eharmony, and more confusing with her saying she still loved me 😔

[white knight]

Hi again,

It is clear you've found much clarity, I'm pleased.

Spouses that use cruel and /or threatening comments then end a conversation with "I love you" is an ultimate contradiction. Love is actions accompanied by words, not words on their own.

Imo seeds can be easily planted by controlling types that propagates into guilt for the victim.

It's the nature of a person that doesn't change. It's why, in my case with my narcissistic mother that she'd fill me with guilt but 3 months later return to the demon.

I won't vlaim you wife has any illness but the bouncing from evil words to threats to "but I do love you" is best explained by googling

Queen witch hermit waif.

That's the 4 characters of my own mother. Realising this and with her in denial I left her life 11 years ago and did not return.

You'll find that interesting and even helpful

TonyWK

[geoff]

Hello TheUnaverageBloke, the other girl you had been seeing has her own problems with alcohol and with her finding someone else on eHarmony may be a cause for concern for you, because you don't know how she is going to tackle the alcohol and meeting a person on a dating site may mean you don't know what she's going to do next.

Sorry mate.

Geoff.

[Karen0901]

There is a lot going on here. I agree that your children are your biggest concern in this. I grew up in a broken home with difficult parents and step parents. It was a toxic dynamic. If you can sort this out amicably, it will be much better for your children. I don't believe you should stay in a bad relationship for the sake of children. The fact my parents were separated was not the problem. It would have been nice if they were together but not if they hated life.

Would you want to stay with the mother of your children if your other lady was not in the picture? If the answer is no, get out of the relationship. I don't think waiting until she gives birth is a good idea, unless she is having a difficult pregnancy. I believe you can support her without being in a romantic relationship. You should continue to support her emotionally and financially (within reason), no matter what . Your children need it. Also consider how much her behaviour is being effected by the pregnancy hormones and the pressure of being a parent. The early years of being a parent are hard.

In regards to your other lady, it sounds like there is some desperation to get pregnant. As a woman, there is a very strong drive when we feel our time is running out to have children. Quite frankly, she may be looking elsewhere right now because of this. It's also worth considering if it was why she contacted you initally. I can't determine this without knowing the personalities etc., involved. However, I question her ethics about contacting someone she knew loved her, when I'm assuming she knew you had a baby on the way. I assume you know her well though. If she was desperate to get together with you, as she realized how much she wanted you, why is she now looking at other men, when you reciprocated her feelings? Seems odd.

Finally, are her alcohol issues serious? Will it be something that may effect your relationship in the future and any children she may have with you? Addictions can ruin any relationship if they are out of control.