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Need help getting over an old flame

Community Member



As the title states I need some help getting over my last partner. 


I am a male (27) and I have been separated from my last partner for 8 months or so now. I use the term partner as I never really committed to a relationship with her and thus created more of a situationship rather than a relationship. I believe this was due to me not being ready to settle down (which I now regret not doing) and is possibly due to me not really having any lengthy relationships in the past and thus was scared of the idea of commitment. This led to me distancing myself from intimacy in the latter stages of our time together to the point where I suggested we split as I started to convince myself I was being toxic for her and genuinely believed she deserved better despite her stating that she didn't mind not committing to anything and was happy to continue as we were. In hindsight, I believe my anxious thoughts got the better of me and I convinced myself that I was a problem for her when in reality she really did care for me. 


8 months down the track I have finally started to regret my decision as I truly believe I won't find anyone like her again. So, in a hope to repair what we once had I sent a heartfelt message to her and she replied with a picture of who I assume is her new partner holding a puppy obviously to indicate to me that she has moved on. This single picture broke me, and now I'm feeling worse than ever before. 


I'm now regretting all of my decisions and am left wishing I could somehow go back and change the past which I know is not possible. I want to believe that she will somehow change her mind and we will be able to continue from where we left off but I know that's not going to happen either. I have come to realise now that she was "the one" and I am unsure how to deal with these regrets.



Can anyone please offer some insight on the following, it would be more than appreciated.


1. Is it worth keeping optimistic about her possibly changing her mind despite having a new partner? As I believe that she really did care for me based on statements such as "You're not like a lot of guys" and "I appreciate you as a person"


2. At my current age (27) I'm now stressing about will I ever find another person who makes me feel like she did? I certainly don't have high standards but I need someone who can match me on an intellectual level and this is an extremely rare quality to find in a woman these days and thus I am worried I'll never find that type of person again.





3 Replies 3

Community Member

Hi op, actually partner refers to the opposite of what you describe. Our partner is truly our partner, in crime and in life , committed to ea other. Not just some anyone could ever be your partner, it's way above just anyone or something casual or non commuting, a partner is committing.


For this lady though tbh, l'm not feeling it for you. You feel like you are now finally but after so long regrets creep in and mess with us but the true reality was back it the time, you had all kinds of hold backs and probably for a reason. Even if you can't figure those out yourself but basically, she probably just wasn't right for you deep down.

l'd say even if you were back together you'd probably find the same things arise and given she's already moved on anyway and literally throwing that in your face ahhh, she doesn't sound all that great to me anyway but l think it's done whether he works out or not.

Of course you'll meet somebody else down the track and you know what, you not only might be ready then but she'll likely be way better than the ex even though you can't see it now.


Hang in there.


Thank you for your response rx, I really do appreciate your take on this matter.


I find your definition of what a partner truly is to be quite inspiring, so for that I thankyou. 


Just to elaborate further, I don't believe she had any issues per se that made me distance myself from her originally. She was actually very positive towards me and I thought I just wasn't good enough for her and that by her being stuck with me and my own issues (anxiety/depression) I was holding her back from her potential happiness. Just wanted to clarify as I feel I may have portrayed her as the "bad guy" in my post above which is simply not true despite her actions after I tried to communicate with her recently.


However I do recognise now (with the help of your reply) that it is likely over for good. Soi appreciate your input on the subject.




Hi there op and yeah l could see what your saying in the first one and that it wasn't anything she'd done at that stage. l was only referring to her rubbing the new bf in your face that way later, just said a lot about a not very nice other side to her.

But l wasn't meaning there was anything wrong with her back when you were together, only that you probably just weren't feeling the right stuff for her anyway. She could be be perfect but that doesn't mean we'll fall in love with that particular person , we fall in love with whomever we fall in love with and she might actually be far from perfect but we will love whom we do. The heart will want whomever it does so to speak.

So although yeah you were also feeling those things about yourself too never the less,l still don't think you were actually in love with her anyway.