Narcissistic sister

[Not_my_monkeys]

Any advice welcome

yet again I have left my mums house in tears

my sister is a complete narcissist and has my mum completely under her spell 

she is always pointing out flaws in me, and playing the victim, no one does anything for her, no one protected her, and she uses guilt to get people around her to bend to her every whim

she has upset me many times and I have tried to keep my distance, but she lives with my mum, whom I try to see every week.

sh wanted to have a chat, and told me that I had upset her, and that I am not making the effort to keep the family unit together, she whispers in mums ear all the time, causing friction between us, she has accused me of being jealous of her, and not supporting her, I am sick of being there when she wont help herself.

i mentioned some things that had upset me. All she did was threw it back at me saying she didn't mean it and it was my fault,

i admit I have said some things out of line in the past but this is purely down to frustration 

she saya she wants to go out as a family but my partner doesn't like the way she treats me and won't go, that is now my fault as I am not making him make the effort

I think the worse thing about this is that I feel I cannot go and see my mum, whom I once had a very close relationship with as she is always there

i got married,9 months later she did, I looked at a house I wanted didn't get it, she bought one in the same street, I moved away, she followed, she has messed up her own life but still plays the victim,

she is always talking about herself and how fabulous she is, but won't admit to it

apart from cutting myself off completely from this drama what can I do, I try not to let her get to me, but every time she still does

this is not half of the story but it will give you an idea, I just can't keep doing this 

[pipsy]

Dear Not my monkey's post.  You have already more or less answered your own question.  Until you learn coping strategies, yes, you have to distance yourself from sister.  Obviously she is jealous and insecure of your relationship with mum.  Is she younger or older.  That can make a difference.  It's pointless 'dobbing' her into mum, that will cause more friction.  She needs to be 'top brick', that's insecurity, jealousy.  If she is older, it could be that when mum found she was pregnant with you, unintentionally she did not include your sister in the pregnancy.  By that, I mean, whenever you 'moved' she did not invite your sister to 'feel' you moving.  If she is younger, she may have felt you already had a bond with mum, she didn't have one, push you aside so she could have mum to herself.  Yes, I realize this is probably 'all in her mind', unfortunately it's very real, to her.  No amount of reassuring her this is not the case, won't make any difference.  If none of the above is true, she is just jealous and insecure.  The only thing you can do, is keep in touch with mum by phone.  Tell mum you love her, but at the moment you're a bit busy and will see her when you can.  Keep sister out of the conversation as much as possible.  When mum mentions sister, i.e she's well, whatever, just say, oh that's good.  Tell mum give sister my love, leave it at that.  That way, sister can't comment, because she can't give your mum words, mum hasn't said.  If sister tries to say something to mum that you're supposed to have said, mum's going to ask questions.  How did you say whatever to sister, when you haven't seen her or spoken to her.  With narcissists, attack is always the first and best defence.    

[JLR25]

Hi Not My Monkeys.

I am in your boat too. I believe I have two NPD sisters, one whom I've cut out of my life many years ago and the other who lives with my parents. Sadly they both do all that you advised in regards to being in the mother's ear, so it's constant turmoil for Mum to yield to their conflicting extreme demands.

I recently joined a Borderline Personality Disorder family help group (due to the similarly with NDP) and am finding this tremendously valuable but really want to ensure that there is support for NPD carers or loved ones. Have you come across any?

I have done solo therapy, but really getting lots out of the group sessions

Wishing you well. Be strong lovely. Xx

J

[Demon_Days]

Hi pipsy

Like Not my monkeys and JLR25 I believe that my sister has narcissistic tendencies and also projects.

It's such a relief that I'm not alone. I didn't ever notice her "ways" until I started saying no to her. Every family occasion was at her house or at a venue that she agreed to.

Unfortunately I feel that both my parents, particularly my Mum has enabled this for many years. When things got tough for her they would always be there to get her back on her feet. From an early age where she got unwelcome attention from boys lifting her skirt at primary school she was moved to a girls school, when she divorced her husband my parent purchased a house with her so she and her children would have the best rather than building her resilience and having her go out and rent or buy a cheaper house.

Every time we butt heads she runs straight to Mum who seems to take her word as gospel.

I have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety when I went to her for help she told me to get over it.

She has told me not to take advantage of our parents generosity but she will never offer to pay when we're out as a family unless I get my wallet out to pay for my meal. She invites my Mum shopping with her especially with her children as she knows Mum will want to pay to help out. It has gone a step further and she has somehow worked a way to have two of her children's education at a private school paid for by our parents to their detriment.

I have been told by Mum that you have to give up things to send your children to a private school while my sister has given up nothing.

Anything I say about my sister is regarded as negative and everything is my fault as they are under her spell.

How do I tell my parents they are being taken advantage of?

How do I remove this negativity from my life?

I was considering sending my sister a letter saying that I love her as my sister but not what she does and that she needs to get help to get our family back to how it should be.Unfortunately from experience I would be the bad guy and it would all be my fault.

Every time we have family get togethers my anxiety goes through the roof and I can't sleep for weeks before.

What should I do?

[Wendles]

In answer to you all, Demon Days, Not my monkeys, JLR25 and Pipsy. I too am dealing with similar. I have 2 sisters only one with narcissistic tendencies and middle sister has split the family in two. She decided to ostracise me and my family at an 80th Birthday and apparently had been complaining to my Mother and my elder sister for over a year but no-one discussed this with me. We were always, I thought, a close family. Not that we didn’t have issues, we all did but I would never discard someone like that. I feel totally rejected and I am suffering from it. They all go and play “ladies” and I am no longer invited, I still have to hear about it though and they believe this is OK? I have asked that they don’t, but they don’t seem to understand how much this hurts me. If I organise anything with Mam she will talk to the other sisters and middle sister will change it all to suit herself and convenience Mam that her idea is the best and that she is making a magnanimous gesture. Mam never see’s it. Eldest sister has stated “it’s your turn to be on the outer” so painful a comment and I still have not challenged her on it. I fear the outcome, the back lash. Providing Mam and elder sister always agree with middle sister, their life stays connected. I have a loving husband, daughter and son. My family have moved on and it doesn’t seem to hurt them but I cannot seem to get away from the loneliness, the feeling of downtrodden, the feeling of ostracisation. I have tried therapy but there comes a time, when it doesn’t seem to help either. If you have any great ideas on how to lift my spirits and help me to move on, I would be truely grateful.