Narcissism? love-bombing? feeling completely lost after years of failed relationships, trauma.

[Hiraeth24]

I am a lesbian & have had multiple unsuccessful relationships over the past few years
After a traumatic 2.5 year relationship, 8 month late I met a girl who was 23 - I was 30, I usually date older. I was hesitant at first, she came across very mature, we got on like a house on fire. 2 weeks later she asked me to be her gf, I was still not sure & told her this she responded "how do you know if you don't take the risk?”
I have always been that person who would, so I agreed, but told her if I freaked out etc. to try be patient.
We lasted 1.5 years, There were things that I didn't love that I just accepted, but I loved her, in mid/late 2020 my mum found out her SO of 10 years had been in an emotional affair, tried to attempt suicide, after this I shut down, I couldn’t be intimate with her,& whilst she tried to support me I knew this was a big issue for her.
Before Xmas I came home after nightshift, she told me she no longer was in love with me & didn’t see a future with me, she up & left. I haven’t seen her since and was left to pack up all her things in my place. I was shell shocked.
Naively about a month later I got on dating apps I was just seeking to be desired. I met a 38 year old who I connected with straight away. She said all the right things “She was too old for games and new exactly what she wanted, she had been there all before” we had an insane connection, she was really full on and very dominant and kept telling me to “keep up” but it was nice to be desired, within weeks she told me she was in love with me, saw a future with me, said if it wasn’t me it wasn’t anyone else, the 1st month was amazing, though I felt as soon as I developed some feelings she flipped. Would pick on me every discussion we had, felt like she didn’t like I had a voice, I had to practically beg for attention, & then it came out she said “I’ve completely back flipped 180, I don’t know why” I tried to piece every together, we continued to sleep together, but she wasn’t the same. There was red flags, I was just oblivious to them in my vulnerability. Last week, she blocks, deletes & erases me completely says I’m “too much” & that “people change” that she “never wants to hear from me again” whilst usually I can bounce back, I cannot shake this. I trusted her, I shared intimate details with her. I feel completely exposed.
There are obviously more details to this which I’m happy to share further, just limited to words.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Life is tough when we go through the wringer of love. Emotional exhaustion and trauma...grief, is what it is.

I've had 4 long term relationships all over 7 years. The one with the mother of my children lasted 11 years and she was narcissistic, using silence as a very effective weapon. The last relationship was the step mother from hell. But my marriage now of 10 years is to the most wonderful lady. A soul mate of sorts.

My point is, that we must continue until we find "the one". While in grief for the last one we find it difficult to imagine we'll find love again...but we do. We also often are harsh on ourselves. You are worthy of love, of stability and compatibility. Perhaps from the readers view, the only mistake you could be making is diving in too quickly. Dating and not living together can be an adventure in itself so why rush that great part of getting to know each other better before living together?

You sound like you have your heart on your sleeve, somewhat sensitive and caring. Maybe you can search for those features in a prospective partner?

Sadly, sometimes we meet people that is perfect for us except for one or two traits. Those trait can make us incompatible.

I hope I've helped.

TonyWK

[Guest_3256]

Hi buddy and welcome.

I can defiantly understand where you are coming from with your experiences and you are not alone. 

If you search me up using my name, you will see plenty of replies that I have left about toxic and unhealthy relationships. As I write this, I am currently experiencing a traumatic event from leaving my partner due to his behaviour after becoming trauma bonded to his narcissistic abuse. It is very real and extremely toxic. These people are wired to absolute selfishness depending on where about on the spectrum the fall.

We have to be strong, to control our thoughts that are not real, to learn to appreciate and value ourselves. We have to be the bigger and healthier person and say no more to their behaviour and we also need to understand that it's not about us, it's about them - there is no more truth in this.

I'd also like to say that for you to come here to share your experiences with us, shows how much compassion you have for yourself and others. These are people are a minority and there is someone for you out there that is your best match, I can promise you that.

What can you do right now, shut the door on them, rid these unhealthy toxic people from your life because they will hold you back from having a loving, caring and prosperous life. If anything, it will make you stronger and more powerful.

Please stay in touch.

Jsua 🙂