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LDR and a workplace crush

Community Member

I have been in a long-term relationship for 5 years and things were going ok but there were many underlying issues. I didn't feel loved or appreciated, I felt like I was giving more than what I was receiving and there were significant intimacy issues. I always wanted to bring it up but there was always something that was more important. My partner was always close to a breakdown. University, finances, burnout, work, family. I have always been the one supporting him so how could I add on to his stress tear down the only support that was keeping him together. Then COVID came around, my partner's father was dying and he had to leave the country. Cracks began to show and we grew more distant, my love language is physical touch and acts of service so an LDR was really pushing it.

A year later I started work in a rural town and met a senior colleague at a dinner party. He was smart, funny, charming. I instantly had a crush. We became really good friends and hung out with the same group of colleagues. We even had similar names so people would occasionally mix us up from time to time because of the masks. We both loved movies so we used to watch movies together and banter over drinks. One night we had one too many drinks and passed out on the floor. I woke up holding him from behind and I pulled away, he woke up and we locked eyes. We gazed at each other for a long time before we both leaned in and kissed. Then suddenly we both stopped and confessed we were seeing someone.

Turns out we were both in similar situations. Both in long-term relationships that were now an LDR and were not going very well. We decided to look past all that. For the next few months, we spent a lot of time together. He made me coffee in the mornings, I wrote letters every week and left them under his door at 1am so he'd find it in the morning. I had never been happier. When the time came for me to leave, I wrote him a long goodbye letter. In the end, I couldn't bear to leave and requested a contract extension under the pretense that I needed the money.

He told me he had read the letter and he had feelings for me too. A couple of weeks later he left for Melbourne and wrote me a letter telling me how he felt. But his partner saw his letter and in 48 hours he dropped me. I understand that this was inevitable and I know we were in the wrong. But it doesn't hurt any less. It has been almost 2 months now, but I feel so lost, aimless, and broken. Everything hurts and I don't know what to do. Help

2 Replies 2

Community Member

Hi sk,

This sounds so heartbreaking, especially at a time when you really needed that human contact. Something Covid has stolen from us - and more so for those of us who are single or in long distance relationships - is to satisfy our basic human need for touch and intimacy (be it shaking a person's hand, hugging a friend, or holding hands or kissing a loved one). It's so incredibly isolating. I couldn't even pay someone for the luxury of a massage or hair cut during our extended lockdown last year. Meanwhile, I envied my parents and my married sibling who had loved ones to hold.

I just want to tell you that I understand.

I've had experiences like what you've described when I was a bit younger. The thrill of being desired, fulfilment of a longing for contact that you're missing through a long distance relationship, savouring the moment when you're in a different environment from home. I used to have similar feelings to what you're describing - lust, loneliness, unmet desire, uncertainty and longing for things to continue after having shared some beautiful moments with someone (good laughs and conversation or a cheeky kiss). Also, the strong sense of loss when it all comes to an end but you cling desperately onto the hope of it miraculously working out.

But looking back now, I try to see those simply as happy memories - a special moment that i shared with someone that no one else shared. A part of my life that has contributed to me being me.

After that, sometimes, as sad as it is, it's time to move on to other things in our life. As tempting as it is to crave reconnection and think about what-ifs, the fact that things didn't continue seems to have happened for a reason - perhaps it just wasn't meant to be anything more than a special fleeting moment.

To worry and think about it further could be wasted energy when other wonderful things could await - and your dwelling on something might cause you to miss out on future amazing moments down whatever track life takes you next - I found that out the hard way a number of times.

Do you feel like this is something you could let go of and remember fondly without regret?

Happy to chat further.

Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Sebastiankyle, a warm welcome to the site.

Working in a rural town together and having affection for each other but then needing to be apart, doesn't make your situation any easier so the thoughts you are having towards him aren't going to disappear quickly or at all, especially when your existing relationship seems to have hit a brick wall.

Your present boyfriend may need help with his condition but you can't be sure whether or not he's going to be the same person once he has had treatment or want to go his own way, no one knows this, but this may make your attraction towards this other person even stronger and the same could be the same with him.

Remember you both had times where you connected in many ways and these 2 months, you aren't sure how he is feeling or how his relationship is going, and it wouldn't hurt just texting him to see what he's up to.

He maybe waiting and hoping you would contact him, then you maybe given an answer.

Best wishes.