My partner constantly accuses me of cheating.

[Guest_3256]

Hi all.

I've been with my partner (m25) for 10 months.
He's my second serious relationship and it's been a rollercoaster of ups and downs ever since.
I honestly put a lot of effort into trying to keep us going, trying new things, going out and keeping the spark alive.
On good days, he is amazing, cooks, laughs and we connect and bond really well.
The issue is, that my partner will have days, maybe 2-3 times a week where he constantly accuses me of cheating and being unfaithful.
He also will drink quite often which usually starts off good, then something snaps and he starts saying derogatory things, picks on me and blames me for a lot of things.
He accuses me of being manipulative, that I gaslight and I'm not loyal.

He will start off by saying "you know what done and you can't be honest."

Then. He kicks me out and bombs my phone asking for space and that he can't be with someone he can't trust.

In simple terms, I feel like I'm walking through a mine field ready to blow up.

Any advise cheers.

[Matchy69]

Sorry to read your relationship problems.I was in a marriage where my wife was allways acusing me of cheating when i would never do that.And she allways needing her space.A lot of drama over 10 years and effected my mental health.

I think you need to get out that relationship and move on with your life,it will not improve and only get worst for you.That said it easier said then done and dont know the full story.When i moved out it was probably the best thing i have done.It still effects me to this day being in a relationship like that for so long.

[Soberlicious96]

Dear Jsua,

Welcome to Beyond Blue and well done for reaching out.

I'd like to begin by suggesting that you perhaps look at getting some support for yourself, yeah? It sounds to me as though this could be a situation which may only get worse over time, especially where there is drink involved.

It reminds me of a relationship I was in when I was in my early 20's ....... it started out the same way, with him being wonderful sometimes, and abusive and accusing at other times, and by the time I finally left him (it took me 4 attempts), the relationship had also become physically violent. He too would accuse me of cheating all the time.

But domestic violence and abuse in relationships never start out that way; we all can put our best side forward at first.

There are a couple of options you can look into for support for yourself; one is to call 1800 RESPECT (1800737732) and/or you could perhaps look at going to a fellowship called Al-anon which is for family and friends who are affected by a friend or relative's drinking. the contact number for Al-anon is 1300252666.You can also check out the website: https://www.al-anon.org.au/

Please look after yourself and be safe. This guy does not deserve you if he cannot or will not respect you.

I hope that helps at least a little. Take care, I'll be thinking of you.

[Mandy_77]

In my experience, the accuser is the cheater. They are so paranoid because they are doing it themselves.. they don't trust you because they cannot be trusted. Good luck, after only 10mon you should be in a lot happier position than this and it takes 2 not 1 to keep the boat afloat! This will unlikely change for you. I wish you the best x

[Guest_3256]

Thanks all for replying.

First weekend away from my partner and I enjoyed a bit of me time.

It's good to get some respite when dealing with a partner who experiences constant projections.

He still continued to send me messages accusing me of cheating.

I had a little giggle at some things he said but I still love him.

"It seems you've got another thing up your *** again. I hope to god you've been using protection at the least."

"Have fun with those rebounds."

"I'm not sure I really want to do this."

[smallwolf]

Hi. I am only a male and not having been in a similar position would seem to make it difficult for me to respond. With that said, his behaviour sounds a little odd and you are not deserving of being treated that way.

But as you have said, you care very much for him and the relationship.

I guess the question is... What would make a person say these things?

Have you spoken with him about this on one of the good days?

Is he aware of what he is saying and the effect it has on you?

I am around and can chat with you some more if you like.

[Juliet_84]

Hi Jsua,

Like some of the others, my past relationship started out like yours - with a wonderful, funny, attentive partner who would then go through random periods of accusing me of cheating on him. He said that he’d had an ex girlfriend cheat on him and so this explained his mistrust. Over time, the accusations and derogatory name calling increased. Real crazy stuff like accusing me of cheating on the way to work (he would drop me at the train station). The phone calls at work increased, slowly at first and then eventually if I didn’t answer on the first ring there’d be hell to pay. Over time it became increasingly mentally abusive and eventually physically abusive. Interspersed was the person I loved. I hope this doesn’t happen to you as it was truly soul destroying. But as you can see, there is a pattern there that several of us have experienced so please be careful.

[geoff]

Hello Jsua, thanks for coming to the forums and I'm very sorry about what's happening and have seen this happen on many an occasion to patrons drinking in the hotel business.

The would come in, quite and unintrusive, just smiling to other people drinking in the bar, but once they had a drink it would all change, another person would appear, someone who became abusive, loud and interfering, a total nuisance to everyone.

Some of these people could be controlled but not many and had to be evicted before any real trouble happened.

The only way these certain people need to do is not drink any alcohol which won't be easy or not come to the pub, unfortunately, the same applies to your partner because the longer you're with him, the worse it may become, I'm sorry to say.

There can not be enough love you have for someone like this when he accuses you of any wrongful truth and his behaviour changes so much.

Look after yourself.

Geoff.

[Guest_3256]

He everyone and thanks for your replies.

Since posting here, my partner attempted what I call a 'hard' break-up again. This time, using my new knowledge and empowerment from carers counselling, I started to focus on me.....a lot more. I learnt to things like loving myself, telling myself that I am a great person, getting out of the house, doing/ participating in hobbies that I enjoy, exercising and focusing on myself in general. I simply pulled back from my partner and enjoyed me-time.

Being that my partner has several mental health conditions, especially one being bi-polar, I have more of an understanding on how to take some of the control away from him and set some boundaries in place. By focusing on myself more, he started to realise that he needed me and to cut-back on the his insecure and abusive behaviour. He started to take responsibility for his actions.

Things are still in the early days, now if he has an episode, I now tell him that I will come back to him when he has composed himself and go back to mine. I still have a little unit to retreat to where I can crack open a bottle of red and watch some Netflix.

Nothing is perfect, once your have an understanding how to deal with someone, you can manage better.

Good day everyone 🙂

[JayGun]

This happens to me with my partner too.

We have been together for 2 years and every now and then he “goes off the rails” and accuses me of being with other men and says I have always wanted to be with other men.

the latest time was two days ago when he says he paid for 3 pics of me “ making out” with another man. He then goes on to call me all the nasty words under the sun.

it is exhausting. It is abusive. I am leaving him.