My wife wants to separate

[Wayne2]

My wife of almost 10 years but partner of almost 15 has recently told me she wants to separate.She has not really given me any real reasons except for she is done and that she has not been happy for a long time. The day before she told me this we had just put up our Christmas tree and she was really excited to go buy new decorations for it.My wife is a real work-a-holic and she holds a very senior position with one of Australia's leading banks. She is also very competitive and must always be right and first.She had applied for a role closer to home and was unsuccessful and I know that hurt her and she is also struggling with her current boss, on top of that she has just been offered a secondment in the city and has excepted it. With my wife she always puts work first and i am the one who will do what i need to do for the kids whilst working fulltime myself, I always support her decisions and have always been home to support her in need. I also know I have said some negative stuff to her that has given her the impression that she is an unfit mother but it is not what I intended, it was just my way I guess of saying that I am always here.18 months ago my wife and i decided to take on our nephew who was in foster care and the 7 months ago we took on his brother, I know this has taken a toll on my wife as we have 2 of our own kids but having 4 is really hard and on top of that the 2 nephews  have been in trouble at school a lot and I know that this has caused embarrassment for my wife as she is the one who had to go to the school and deal with it alone.I have been staying in our family home for the last week and I have tried pulling my weight around the house more than I normally do and I have tried really hard not to be lazy, I cleaned every square inch of the house over the weekend and even made the family dinner. I am also guilty of saying some nasty name to her but I have vowed to myself to never disrespect her like that again regardless of what she calls meI love my wife very dearly and cannot think of anyone in this world who I want to spend the rest of my life with but yesterday she told me she did not love me and it cut me so hard I did not know what to do and for the first time in my life I felt alone and scared.Last night when I put my kids to sleep I broke down and cried and my son said whats wrong, I didn't tell him but I know he knows something is wrong and then this morning i got him to ask his mum why she was angry with me

[Lori]

Hi Wayne2,

Welcome to the Beyondblue forums! 

I am so very sorry to hear about your marriage, 15 years together is a very long time. For your wife to want a divorce with no explanation something must have happened or something that is currently happening or maybe there isn't ? i guess we will never know unless she decides to tell you, but don't push her to find out. 

Maybe your wife just wants some space ? you never know she might need time to just figure out everything and she might want to come back and give it another shot ? it is always possible.

 It does seem that you both seem to live a busy life which can be stressful and having 4 kids can be quite full on also. Maybe just try and keep talking to her see what you's can sort out..

Sorry if my reply is not all that helpful, this is definitely a tough one, but i do hope that you's can sort it out and that your life goes back to the way it was.

Stay strong mate!

- Lori 🙂

[Paul]

Hey Wayne,

Really sorry to hear about your wife wanting to separate, I understand the pain and upset would be really difficult on you and pretty confusing at the moment.

One thing really stood out in your post for me, that was the last paragraph where you got your son to ask his mum why she is angry at you.

Please please please don't put your kids in the middle of this, they are neutral and innocent. This is a sore point for me because my father left me and I blamed myself for it. I don't remember feeling like anyone told me it wasn't my fault. Kids soak up everything emotional, try to be strong in front of the kids and lean on your friends and family for support and assistance.

Take care,

Paul

[PatT]

Hi Wanye,

I'm really feeling for you at the moment - two days ago my parents told me they're intending to separate soon and it was a pretty big blow especially around the holiday season. It sounds to me like you and your wife have been pushing the envelope in terms of stress for a while now and perhaps you've said some things that you regret that have just added fuel to the fire. Maybe what she needs right now is some space for a while. Just because she leaves it doesn't mean that it's a permanent thing. 

Couples experience this all the time - space can heal wounds and maybe it's the best time for you both to figure out what you really want in life. If you really want her back then realise how fragile relationships can be and that you'll need to be more supportive in the future.

Pat

[pipsy]

Hi Wayne2.  Sorry to hear of your situation.  It sounds to me as though she's extremely frustrated with the way everything in her life is going.  Her job has just gone 'pear shaped'.  Having 2 nephews as well as 4 of your own is horrendous, especially considering the 2 nephews have been in trouble.  Perhaps she feels a bit guilty for not being able to 'be there' for you too.  Sorry to say this, but it also sounds as though she's 'blaming' you rather than face the fact that (in her eyes) she hasn't really supported you.  She may feel, if she'd 'been there' your nephews may not have gotten into trouble.  Women are raised believing they're supposed to look after the family while hubby goes to work.  Maybe your wife feels she's let you down, but, rather than admit that, it's easier to suggest 'separation'.  I know you said your wife went to the school when the kids got into trouble, but maybe she still feels as though it's her fault it happened.  I would suggest letting the 'dust settle' for now till after Christmas, have another talk with her then.  We all say things in anger which we regret after, maybe she was just lashing at out at you because you were there. 

Paul's right about one though.  Please keep the kids out of it, at all cost.