New and confused

[Louise1]

Hi I'm new to all this I'm not even sure if what is happening could be depression, anxiety or both!!!

I know I have signs of both but I do the tests & they all come out on the lower side of both!! 

My marriage has broken down to the point of separation in the past 9-10 months & I have been seeing a counselor but only recently!!! I hadn't been able to book an appointment with my counselor for the past month so have been going through by myself to work on some of the things we discussed!!

 Our first discussion made me realise that I do love my husband even though I'd been telling him for months that I didn't & I just wanted out!! It also made me realise that I didn't like the person that I was!! So over the next couple of sessions my counselor suggested we work on me first so that's what I've been doing!!

I have lost a considerable amount of weight, I'm sleeping slightly better, have more motivation & energy but mostly I have been putting myself mentally & emotionally in a better light!!!

I looked in the mirror the other night & had my "lightbulb moment". I actually saw & liked the person who was looking back at me & I couldn't actually remember the last time I had done that! In that moment I realised that everything I hated about myself I had turned that on my husband & blamed him for the way I felt!!!!

Unfortunately  I think this realisation may have come too late as I think I have pushed my husband so far away that he will never forgive me & give me a second chance!!! 

I know in myself I can't do anything to change the way he feels so I'm just moving forward slowly & continuing to work on me by myself & with the support of my counselor! It doesn't make it easy at the moment when I know I broke him, us & our family!(We have 2 young children together)

[Paul]

Hey Louise,

Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums. You're written about some pretty magical things! it takes some of us a lifetime to have that lightbulb come one. It's so awesome to hear you are able to see the real you and love the real you. I hope that with that discovery also comes the realisation that it's a human thing to err and a great thing to forgive yourself. Sometimes it's due to just being human, sometimes it's due to being unwell or a complicated mix of things.

May I offer some advice that probably comes naturally? My parents split when I was 4. My father promised to come back and visit. He did twice. Now I haven't seen him in 37 years. Please be an awesome mum to your kids despite any difficulties with your husband.

I wonder if the emotions you are feeling that you mentioned at the beginning of your post might be to do with losing something important to you - the relationship with your husband. When we lose something or someone important to us it triggers grief. A whole new set of emotions that can be very similar to depression and sometimes anxiety. There's some information on the site that explains grief and loss - perhaps that will help to see if any of the emotions fit that pattern as well now that you've done the tests online too.

Take good care. Stay in touch and let us know if any of the grief information resonates with you.

Paul

[Louise1]

Thanks Paul!!

my issues definitely started well before our marriage was dissolving. I have had a lot of hatred towards myself that built up over s few years but really only started to worsen the last 12 months when I started blaming my husband instead of myself for my actions!!!

He tried everything to try to help but I think as he didn't know what was going on his helping only made me push back at him harder!!! I just needed space to work out what was going on with me but he just wanted to fix me that it started to feel smothering so I would tell him I didn't love him & thought I never did, which was so far from the truth!!!

He is a great dad he has the kids 50/50 with me & we still try to give the kids time with both of us together for now until they get fully comfortable with us being apart!!! 

Although I have apologised & laid my heart on the table he has shut off completely from us trying again!!!

I can't change his thoughts & feelings so I'm backing off from "us" it's just so raw & painful because maybe just maybe if he had given me my space I would've seen this about myself we could've already been working on putting us back in a good place!!! 

Im still on my self discovery journey I think!!! I just want to make sure I do everything I can, not to go back to the person I had become!!! 

[geoff]

dear Louise, thanks for being with us.

There is so much empathy we want you to share with us, and you may ask why, because it's a situation where we all have been in and know what depression is well and truly capable of doing.

When we take the depression and/or anxiety test, there are times when we feel border line in wanting to know the results, perhaps we don't want to accept that we are sick, because different circumstances maybe affected, so we push this illness into a cupboard and shut the door, this means that it's denying how sick we are, so then different ramifications follow through, such as taking it out on other people, like your husband, but this isn't what you really want to do, unfortunately it just does.

Do you know how powerful this 'light bulb moment', because what it means is 'there you are in person, you yourself looking back at you', in contrast to seeing nothing, but more so it's a want of getting better.

As much as you really want for your husband to love you back, this can happen, but it's best to help yourself first, because then you are then able to face any problems in a confident way, and this is certainly possible for the whole family to be one once again. Geoff. x