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My wife and I are separating and I'm struggling to cope

MJA9
Community Member

Thanks in advance to anyone who reads or helps me ..

1 week ago my wife came home and told me she wants to seperate - it was out of the blue as I didn't see or know our situation was as bad as it was.

we have been together for 6 years and married for 1 - she's 26 and I'm 30 - through our relationship we have had many ups and downs but always worked through them, I have suffered with myself and my depression for long periods of time in our relationship and it's come at a cost as this is what's made her decide to seperate.

ive spend the last 3-4 months in a withdrawn state and shut off emotionally and physically to her, the problem is I didn't even know I was doing it so I couldn't do anything about it, she bought up little issues but I wasn't aware I was or we were this bad. I've had help before and it's improved me a lot but my biggest failure is that I get to a stage and don't think I need help anymore and so I stop and then down the track I let myself go again.

she was to seperate and give each other a chance to find ourselves and see what we actually both want in life- she doesn't know if she wants to be with me and wants space to be by herself and find what she wants and needs.

I don't want to be without her, I want to get help and I can be so much better to her and for us but I don't know if I can do it on my own, I need her by my side to give me the strength to do it for her.

i don't know what to gain in posting this,in waiting to see my psychologist but it will take a week and I'm beside myself in knowing what to do and I'm totally broken and lost inside .

we are both good people and have no bad feelings towards each other , I just want to save us but she won't give me another chance to do it .

if anyone can help please let me know

thanks

26 Replies 26

MJA9
Community Member

Thanks mark ,

do you know what? Something I haven't been able to be for a long time , I'm actually so proud of myself for how I'm handling this and how I'm getting through, the pain is still so strong and real but I'm finding inner strength and courage I didn't know I had -

i want this to be the making of me , I just don't know how to turn it into that yet as I can't get past the regret or pain that I lead us into this position and to a point where she can't and won't stick by me .

apart from these forums is there any other advice anyone can give me on what I can research or things I can do to have more of a support network or any advice at all would be greatly appreciated.

MJA9
Community Member

I don't know if anyone is still out there , but here is a update

I've had a up and down week, trying to work through things in my head , trying to be positive and work out what I'm going to do - also trying to be hopefully that my partner would come around.

Well today is pretty much the final straw , I've been in contact with her friends and family briefly just to talk things through with them as it was helping me but today she sent me a msg and basically said don't contact them and while we are at it , stop holding out hope, we are over , nothing is going to change , start moving on - I tried to talk things through and let her know the positive things I am doing for myself and the positive thoughts I've got and understand what we can do but nothing - the conversation went on for a little while until she finally said enough and was rude enough for me to get the picture -

i don't know what to do - as sad as it is hope was probably the only thing getting me though - she doesn't have any feelings towards me or our marriage and just wants to move on and pretend I and we don't exist - we are still living in same house, I told her I need 2 months I'm not going anywhere even tho she wants me too -

how do I keep pushing on , getting through , where does my life go from here , in turning 30 and have to start again.

again I don't know if there is anyone out there but I'm struggling big time today and in general

MarkJT
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

MJ, sorry to hear about what has transpired, but we now have a clear passage for you. Yes this is not going to be easy, getting over and moving on from relationships is never easy but i see this as positive for you. I know that sounds strange but this was only going to go two ways - either you get back together or you permanently split. Both have their positives and I will explain this.

As said you have a clear passage in front of you now, yes not the one you envisioned or wanted but you now get to concentrate on moving ahead and not being strung alone, which is an awfully painful thing to go through.

So how are we going to start getting you to move on.

You need to move out. Whether that is fair on your or not i think is irrelevant. You need to separate from seeing her all the time as this will make it very difficult to make any headway. I know you said earlier on that your parents and friends are interstate, is there anyone that can help you out until you get your own place? If you cannot do this, you need to spend as little time as possible in her company.

You must take excellent self care. It is going to be very easy for you to drink excessively, not exercise, eat poor foods as you are down at the moment. If you are still doing these, you must stick to them or else you will harm your mental health even further. Be careful not to over exercise as well. Getting yourself injured is not what we need right now as you are highly vulnerable.

I want you to try and make sure that you do not have regret with not staying with treatment. You have already lived the regret, that is enough time given to it. It will be hard but please do not punish yourself - it is time to be kind to yourself.

See if you can get a session with the psych as early as you can and speak about this. As with mental health conditions, it is important to speak to people about it.

Every person that is walking this big chuck of dirt and rock we call earth has faults, if someone cannot live with yours, then as painful as it is, that person is not for you.

You said earlier that you are going to use this experience to transform yourself. I absolutely love that idea as that is what i have done with my experience. You will be re-born with a heap of resilience and wisdom from this. It is not going to happen overnight and you would know that but there will be a time where you could sit on the beyondblue forums and help other people going through the same thing....to be continued....

MarkJT
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

...continued....

I am extremely proud of you for that post where you talk about recognising the courage you have because you have it.

When I was sitting in hospital 4 years ago with my life in tatters, I didn't know what to do initially. When i had a few moment of clarity, it dawned on me that i have a huge battle ahead and mapped out the next few hours as that was all that i was capable of thinking of. I can now map out years ahead and there is no reason why you cannot do this also.

I do not want to sound condescending here but you are only 29, if you live to you are 80, you have 51 years ahead of you and in that time, you will meet a new woman, you will fall in love with her and you will live happily again. When i am in a situation that i do not like, i always tell myself, time, there will be a time when i am free from this. Never forget that, even when you are having those times of feeling totally crap, there will be a time where you are happy again. This will not define who you are.

Keep posting back - we are still here and we are still listening to you.

Take care mate and remember your self care is critically important and continue to be treated for the depression. Do not let that slide.

Mark.

CaitieLiz80
Community Member

Hello to you.

Just been reading through the posts. I feel for you both so much.

A few months back I told my husband I wanted to ebd everything. I have struggled with depression and have done so unmedicated. I received my reality check when my husband told me to try to see the pain my threats cause. I do now and I am seeing a psychologist regularly and in meds.

Claiming fault in things is a really hard concept. I am learning about being more mindful and self responsible at the moment...lots to work through.

The upside...I am now able to help my husband understand my thoughts and needs and I'm open to hearing how he is feeling too.

I sincerely hope you find your centre again and that you and your wife can move forward in your journey.

Caitie x

MJA9
Community Member

Mark - I hope you go to bed at night and lie content in the fact that your words, wisdom, time, advice and care help me , and many others (I've read other threads and I see how much you give) does wonders for people. For someone to take the time to reply and care about what I'm going through who doesn't know me or really need to bother means more to me than you will ever know.

i agree that as hard as it is at least I know where I stand - I was holding onto hope, and maybe that was unhealthy - I've now Seen a ugly side to her that I've never known - I know it's not her, and I know she hasn't delt with this properly , shutting me out and moving on pretending your husband or your 7 year relationship didn't exsist and it will catch up with her at some point - we all know if you don't deal with issues that it will get to you!

I haven't had a drop of alcohol since the break up , I'm doing some kind of exercise every day (I'm still off work) and eating ok - I have a psych appointment tomorrow which I really need as I need her to start working through my issues and I need to know where I'm at and what she thinks is going on .

every single person has said to me "everything happens for a reason" or "you will come out of the stronger and better than ever" "you will look back at this and think how much it did for you and how positive it ended up being" those words are great but they mean nothing yet and I find it hard to believe having your heart broken and life turned upside down is a positive ! But if that's what people say I've got nothing but hope for that!

im as lonely as I've ever been - how crazy is it that we spend the last 3 months and hardly showed any affection to each other and now one touch hug or kiss would feel like heaven.

thanks everyone for reply , reading and caring - I'm still battling on , I have a long road ahead of me but I've come this far why not keep going ! I'm doing things for me and things I enjoy and hoping eventually each day will get better -

matt

MarkJT
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Matt, first off, you're welcome. More than happy to see if i can help you out.

There was actually another post that i did to follow this up but clearly i messed it up and didn't get through.

I am a huge advocate for taking a positive out of any negative we experience. If we can somehow focus on or draw a positive it gives us a better chance or moving on however if we dwell on negatives we can get anchored down and continue to remain in the rut that we are in.

Clearly sometimes this is a very difficult thing to accomplish and other times it is quite easy. I feel that your situation will be the first,it will be hard but from what you have posted, i can see that you have already taken a lot of positives.

No alcohol, exercising, engaging with your psych and eating okay - all really important and a huge positive as traditionally people fall into bad habits when placed into situations like yours.

Although your heart is broken, your thinking is in a good place.

Time mate, all in time.

Mark.