My wife and I are separating and I'm struggling to cope

[MJA9]

Thanks in advance to anyone who reads or helps me ..

1 week ago my wife came home and told me she wants to seperate - it was out of the blue as I didn't see or know our situation was as bad as it was.

we have been together for 6 years and married for 1 - she's 26 and I'm 30 - through our relationship we have had many ups and downs but always worked through them, I have suffered with myself and my depression for long periods of time in our relationship and it's come at a cost as this is what's made her decide to seperate.

ive spend the last 3-4 months in a withdrawn state and shut off emotionally and physically to her, the problem is I didn't even know I was doing it so I couldn't do anything about it, she bought up little issues but I wasn't aware I was or we were this bad. I've had help before and it's improved me a lot but my biggest failure is that I get to a stage and don't think I need help anymore and so I stop and then down the track I let myself go again.

she was to seperate and give each other a chance to find ourselves and see what we actually both want in life- she doesn't know if she wants to be with me and wants space to be by herself and find what she wants and needs.

I don't want to be without her, I want to get help and I can be so much better to her and for us but I don't know if I can do it on my own, I need her by my side to give me the strength to do it for her.

i don't know what to gain in posting this,in waiting to see my psychologist but it will take a week and I'm beside myself in knowing what to do and I'm totally broken and lost inside .

we are both good people and have no bad feelings towards each other , I just want to save us but she won't give me another chance to do it .

if anyone can help please let me know

thanks

[MJA9]

Hi Geoff - thanks for your msg everything you are saying has similarities to what I'm going through and I appreciated you contacting me - can I ask that you have gone through this what your situation is now? What time frame has this gone over?

the biggest thing I've learnt through this is as you said it doesn't go away and yes you can manage and treat it as well as you can but if stop the treatment it will come back and haunt you, I know now to make sure I get and keep on going help and treatment for as long as I live but this has been a learning process for me as I had to admit and learn what was happening to me and that it keeps happening .

time is the only answer for me ATM , time to heal time to get myself better and maybe time for her to see this through with me, either way today I've managed to break through my own thoughts and barriers and am feeling up for the fight - no it's not going to be easy and I don't know what even the outcome will be - but yesterday I couldn't fight for myself, today I can

[MJA9]

Thanks again mark - I've managed to talk this through with a few people even managed to talk to her friends and herself a little more and Am slowly coming to terms with what's happening and dealing with what to do next - your right this isn't all my fault , but in saying that I do need to concentrate on myself and get my self in the right frame of mind and give her the time to do that also as that's what she's asked for - I won't give up , on her or me and I've opened up to so many more people about my struggles that I've never really told before so that can only be a positive going forward .

[MJA9]

Thanks Neil -

it was a bit harsh and the whole way of her dealing with this has been but it's just her way of coping - I've managed to talk things through a little more and just today she's softened up to me and we shared Lunch and both cried together and were able to talk about things a little more , nothing's changed from our seperation and going our own way for a while but she has given me time and realised I need to work through this and she showed me that she is still vulnerable also which she wasn't showing me all week , she was very cold and almost mean towards me.

im taking the weekend to fly down and be with friends, I didn't have the strength to do that yesterday, but since opening up more to them and other people I've managed to clear my head a little and find the strength to get up and do something - which I didn't think I'd get through - the path ahead is long and unknown but I'm up for the fight and as you said I'll be doing everything I can to make myself the best I can be even tho we are going our seperate ways and hope that she sees this and has her space to work through things and if it's meant to be it will come back inline .

going forward I'm taking a positive that I'm at least being more open about my struggles and maybe it will lead me and new and other directions , I think about helping others in similar situations as you have all done on here -

these replies have helped me know how many people out there are struggling but are also here to help,

thanks again - matt

[white knight]

Matt,

Its good news that you are progressing through stages. Various levels of grief for your loss, crying together holding hands and vommunicating with friends.

Flying down to see friends is a great idea, diverting your thoughts is just the thing...keeping busy.

We are here. Post anytime.

Tony WK

[geoff]

hi Matt, thanks for your reply, the last time my wife left me was when she issued divorce papers, the house that I had gutted and renovated was the place I thought would where I would live forever, not to be, so it had to be sold, plus I was in debt with several credit cards etc, so once it was sold I could pay off my debts.
I thought I would rent a house and then buy one later on, but I got stuck in renting and still renting today, but as soon as I moved into the first rented house, my depression began to lift but was still going to the psychologist.
I kept on thinking about her and wondered what the hell has just happened, because the last 10 years had just come and gone in a blink of the eye, but I made contact with her, still see her and talk with her, but there is no way we could ever live together again, even though she was the love of my life.
I live with my litte puppie by myself and woudn't live with anyone again,I can do what I want, when I want to do it and answer to myself, plus I'm too old being 62 years, all of this maybe different for you, but keen to hear back from you. Geoff.

[MJA9]

Hi Geoff ,

thanks for your msg again, it's great to hear your story and even after everything you went through have found peace and happiness in your life, it does give me some hope when I'm struggling to find it at the moment.

Im going to see my psychologist tomorrow and hoping my wife will come with me either tomorrow or my next session. I've been told with a outsiders help and advice it might give her some better understanding and realise what she's doing by not working through this.

Heres to hoping, it's all I've got at the moment !

[MarkJT]

Matt, that is great that you are opening up to other people - that is really healthy so well done.

Have you considered heading to a psych to talk it over as well? I mean talking over with friends is good but I think because you are in a very vulnerable place, it would be good for you to get some professional assistance.

Cheers

Mark.

[MJA9]

Hi mark

yes I am , I'm going this morning to see the lady I used to see 18 months ago, I was going to have to wait 2 weeks to see her but it's been bought forward.

my partner is coming along also, she said for a chance to work through things but so she can tell the lady and explain more why she's not going to fight anymore and want out . Thinks it will help me process it better . Small part of me hopes after hearing everything the psychologist might say something to her that opens her mind a heart again but if not then I guess I'll have to deal with that.

Ive made it through a week now and it's been the hardest most painful week of my life.

Having to deal with this and accept it and then basically start my life again is beyond scary at the moment especially when every part of me is broken over it .

can anyone explain why I keep having dreams most nights that she does come round and let me back in and want to work through things ? It's happens most night and just makes waking up even more of a reality check.

[MarkJT]

Matt, great to hear that you have engaged with the professional. Peer to peer support is brilliant but that compliments professional assistance. I find it interesting that she wants your (ex) partner to come along though but i am not a clinician so best stick to the professionals advice!

The past week has been the hardest and most painful week of your life - and guess what, you got through it. You made it through the personal hell that you are/were in and that is a huge achievement. What I want you to do now is remember that when things were really down, you made it through.

If/when the time comes that you make that conscious decision to move on from your partner, you can use the experience of getting through that first week to propel you forward.

As far as the dreams go, my dreams used to be nightmares of trauma but (thankfully) they are now so far out of the realm of possibilities (seriously Hollywood couldn't come up with stuff in my dreams!!) that i am the last person to be speaking about dreams. That is a question for your psych to answer i reckon.

I really think you are not stuck here, i think you are moving forward, just a little bit at a time and that is a good thing.

Mark.

[Neil_1]

Hi Matt

That's really good news that you're able to get in and see this lady today. Also very good news to hear that your partner is going along as well.

I hope it all goes well.

Kind regards

Neil