My son wont go to school

radiojammer · ‎29-08-2016

Hi, I have a 17 year old son who sleeps in a lot and refuses to go to school even though he's doing his final year. I've tried to make him aware of the importance of attending class so he can pass his exams and he says he wants to pass but he's making no (apparent) effort. I've been to parent/teacher interviews and the teachers say as long as he does his work and attends class he will pass. They have been supportive. I've tried not to pressure my son and have said I just want him to pass, not worry about getting high marks. He shows no interest in what he wants to do when he finishes school and won't make an appointment to see the careers advisor. He refuses to take on a trade apprenticeship and hasn't attended any of the careers evenings at the school.

He saw a psychologist earlier on in the year for 10 sessions and is on anti depressants. He also has Crohn's Disease for which he is receiving treatment. His disease is in remission so it shouldn't affect his schoolwork although he's had time off because of illnesses caught because he's on immuno-suppressants and tending to pick up illnesses easily.

I am suffering bad anxiety as a result of the stress. I am on anti anxiety tablets to try and control it, but dont have an anxiety disorder. My husband isn't supportive of me and says that worrying will get me nowhere, but he can't come up with any useful suggestions as to what we can do about our son. I would be happy if my son took a gap year next year and got a job, however he shows no interest in getting work other than a low-paying job he already has as a pharmaceutical delivery boy. He sleeps most of the day and gets up late afternoons, eats then socialises with his friends on the weekends.

I don't have a supportive family and my daughter wants to leave home because she says we are in an unhappy environment and she's sick of me yelling at my son to get up out of bed. I try not to yell at him but sometimes I do. I've tried to talk calmly to him but he just clams up and wont discuss anything with me. He is totally uncooperative no matter what I say to him. He used to play sports but he's given them up, now he sits on the computer, lies in bed or socialises.

I wish there was a strong male mentor around for my son but there is noone. He says there's no way he's prepared to repeat school next year yet if he doesnt get an Atar score he'll have scant chance of getting into any sort of decent course. Worried sick.

radiojammer · ‎02-09-2016

Thanks Paul. Appreciate what you've had to say and yes I'll be sticking around this forum. I hope your daughter is ok now and has found some direction in life. We've spent a lot of money on our son over the years and seeing him give up all his pursuits is heartbreaking. The school he's attending have been great but there's only so much they can do for my son. He is setting himself up for failure by not going and he doesnt seem to care. He seems to be indifferent to anything I suggest. Cheers, Sue

blondguy · ‎03-09-2016

Hey Sue

Thanks for posting back...Its always great to get a response:-)

You are doing everything you can Sue.....(and then some) I just read what you wrote about your husband saying 'he has given up' with your son. Did he mean 'that there is nothing left he can do' as a dad?

You are strong for reaching out to another support group as well as us.

If I may ask Sue, does your son have a peer group or a couple of friends he spends time with?

My Best

Paulx

Wednesday · ‎03-09-2016

Hi Sue,

Good work on finding the support group, fingers crossed that it is just what you need.

I know teenagers spend a lot of time in bed but I'm still left wondering if your son's AD's are working as well as they could be. Can you convince him to go back to the doctors for a checkin session?

It's good that you are still seeing a counsellor, are they being helpful? It sounds like your marriage is pretty horrid and your not getting anything out of it. If you haven't raised it, do you think you could talk about it to the counsellor? It's really hard to help anyone else while your feeling this miserable and other's around you will be picking up on the atmosphere in the house.

Don't be too hard on your friends, it is hard to be around us when we are unhappy for long periods of time. Can you suggest a movie and stay clear of any deep and meaningful conversations. Friends often want to help but don't know how to and/or have a similar set of problems themselves that they can't deal with, so close down.

Hang in there it really will get better, just do one step at a time.

Hugs, x

radiojammer · ‎09-09-2016

Yes Paul. My son seems to spend a fair bit of time socialising on the weekends. He does have a few mates. I think he regards his social life as far more important than things like going to school. Im happy for him to have a social life as it's healthy for him to have that, but he needs to strike a balance between going to school and his mates. The other day I thought he'd gone to school when it turned out he'd just been spending the afternoon at a mates. Not good at all!

radiojammer · ‎09-09-2016

HI Wednesday, I rolled up to the support group full of hope and anticipation, only to find out it wasnt the right dynamic for me. There were not many people there, and those who were present were elderly. I work with the elderly and dont really feel that being in a support group with only elderly people would be right for me. I need a group with people who are somewhat younger. I never seem to find anyone around my age. I'm not hard on my friends cos I hardly have any at all. I did see my girlfriend today whom I havent seen in a while which was nice. Apart from her I have no-one really. She is supportive of me and I am supportive of her so we can discuss one another's problems without feeling we're offloading too much upon one another. I'll have to look for a support group that suits me, so back to the drawing board really cos I'm not sure where to find one now. The counsellor is helpful and supportive as far as she can be, but I'm still stuck in a miserable marriage for a couple of years longer and there's no-one who can help me there so I just dont know what to do anymore.

Wednesday · ‎13-09-2016

Hi Sue,

Sorry for the delay in getting back to you. I've not been well.

Oh fabulous meeting up with a buddy, hopefully you can make that a regular thing. Make sure you balance it with some fun stuff too though, other wise it might get a bit bogged down and too sad.

Dam that is a shame about the support group, but don't give up. I'm (obviously) not sure where you live, but I'd be googling and looking at the local community paper. If your up to it you could even start up your own group. A friend of mine had a monthly craft group, which ended up doing no craft at all but a lot of talking! I guess it's what you want to get out of a support group? I'm thinking that what you are looking for is company. Volunteering is another option of course. I understand why you'd like to stay clear of your work, what is the thing you like doing? For example are you an op shop treasure finder? You could mix with the people and maybe find a treasure or two? Just thinking...

You said:

I'm still stuck in a miserable marriage for a couple of years longer and there's no-one who can help me there so I just don't know what to do anymore.

I understand the feeling and don't claim to be an expert on relationships but I am wondering why you feel you are stuck for another few years, why is that?

Do hang around the site and talk to others it does help.

Baby steps, hugs, Ava.

radiojammer · ‎14-09-2016

Hi Ava, sorry to hear you havent been well. I'm stuck in this failed 27 year old marriage with an emotionally abusive husband because I have no money and need to save for my future when I'm in the situation of getting a divorce. When my husband makes off with the computer and various items of furniture (like the bed) I'll have to be able to replace them. I'm also going to be needing another car as the one I have now is starting to cost a lot of money in wear and tear. I still have 3 kids under my roof although they're adults they don't have part time jobs and cannot support themselves away from home. I'm sticking out this marriage for a while yet for their sake and because I don't think I can handle my son by myself, he is extremely difficult, going through depression etc and not going to school (as I started this thread off by saying). He spent the whole day in bed today when he told me he'd go to school! I feel he needs to stabilise and me and his father getting a divorce right now would be the worst thing for him and could tip him over the edge. I have an extremely low-paying job that is depressing me no end and it's difficult for me to get anything better. I dont really know how to start up my own support group. I'll have to keep looking for a support group if there's such a thing close to home and yes, I have been googling support groups. Nothing in the local paper at all. I dont know why there aren't more support groups around as I feel the right support group would help me. I live in the eastern suburbs of Melbourne.

I would dearly love company and am sick to death of having to do everything by myself. I've volunteered in the past and never got much personal satisfaction out of it and don't really have the time to volunteer while I'm working. I like listening to music, going to the movies, wine tasting, going to events like the football and rock concerts but don't have many actual hobbies due to lack of money although I'm planning on taking up crochet in a couple of months time as I said above.

I'm at my wits end as this has been a nightmare of a year for me and I'm sick of crying every day and being generally miserable, though no-one in my household cares or seems to notice, and I don't know what to do anymore to feel better and happy.

Wednesday · ‎15-09-2016

Hi Sue,

I'm getting more concerned about you. You have to much to deal with all at once so lets try baby steps?

I know you did the K10 test and found you where more anxious than depressed. But... I think an honest talk to your doctor about crying daily and the pressures you are under would be useful. It could be that a change in meds may be helpful?
What if you also contact https://headspace.org.au for your son?

1800 650 890
Free online and telephone service that supports young people aged between 12 and 25 and their families going through a tough time.

I've spoken to people that have had some good results. I think they will even come out to talk to your son?

Baby steps, hang in there things will change.

MM4410 · ‎16-09-2016

Hi, my 14yo daughter has been refusing school for some time (very occasional attendace). She was on meds for depression which weren't helping and has been changed to mood stabilizer which helps more but still won't go to school. Been seeing psycholigist for a year and we had a number if school meetings with home school liaison officer also called in from dept ed. I was also making myself sick with worry over missing education and being bipolar myself this was only making our home a painful battlefield. The only way I have found to relieve the stress is to start letting go of the expectations put on us by the education system as I believe she can 'catch up' or learn what she wants when she is ready. She is just not able to study now and no 'incentive' strategies work and in fact make her feel like more of a failure when she can't reach the goals being set by school. All I really care about is helping her feel ok from day to day and not hurting herself any more. Kids do not need an ATAR to live a happy life.

Wednesday · ‎16-09-2016

Hi and welcome to the forums,

You're quite right things do work out in time. I hope whatever it is your daughter needs she finds, luckily she has a great parent with insight, compassion and understanding to help her through a tough time.

After all we just want to have happy fulfilled kids that enjoy life, not necessarily the next prime minister.

Way to go MM!