My partner is blaming me for being depressed

[melbourneguy]

Hi,

I've been feeling a bit down as of late due to a few things. Continual pay cuts at work have left me with more bills than income, I've cut back and still have no money left over. I can't afford to pay for my next car service which is nearly 12 months overdue and there's no money leftover to go to the movies or do anything like that unless I fall behind on my bills. I've asked for two pay rises in the last month since I'm now working in a much higher role but I've been told there's no money to increase my wage (I've seen the business account, millions of dollars in a small business that's only been up and running for 2 years in surplus would suggest they could afford more).

Last night it was really getting to me, I've told my partner a few times that I'm feeling depressed but she insists I'm not depressed, plenty of people are depressed and it's not me. After feeling depressed last night I wanted to go to bed straight after dinner but my partner wanted us to watch a tv show together so I stayed up and watched it then went to bed. She was grumpy at me as I wasn't talking too much. I wasn't talking too much because all I wanted to tell her was that I'm feeling depressed and I knew she'd tell me I'm not.

Today she has sent me a text message cracking it at me for my attitude last night and insisting I apologise to her for my poor attitude. I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle, I feel like I should just apologise and let that be that. She never believes me when I say I'm feeling depressed and I don't know what to do anymore.

Struggling for money, hating my job, can't afford to quit, feeling depressed because of it and my partner is telling me I'm in the wrong.

How do I fix this?

[PamelaR]

Hello Melbourneguy

It's good you've found your way to Beyond Blue forums. There are people out there who have little to no understanding of depression (or any other mental illnesses). It sounds like you partner may be one of these. That must be so difficult for you.

The community is caring, supportive, friendly and non judgemental.I'm not a health professional, though I can share my experiences of managing my mental illness (i.e.PTSD, anxiety and depression).

To support you in the best possible way I ask questions. Though, there is no pressure on you to respond if you don't want to.

Have you seen your gp or a therapist about your depression? This goes a long way to help people with depression. I have a gp and therapist that I have regular visits with. If you wanted to do a preliminary assessment for yourself and to show your girlfriend - complete the Anxiety and Depression Checklist (K10). The checklist is available from the Beyond Blue homepage under the facts tab.

Have you someone, other than your girlfriend, to talk to about how you're feeling? For example a trusted family member or close friend? Talking is very therapeutic and does help immensely. My hubby is my sounding board - he is very supportive (thank goodness). There are support services out there you can use if you want to or need to:

• Beyond Blue Support Services 1300 224 636
• Lifeline 13 11 14

Both these services offer an online chat service. You'll need to go to their website to access this service.

Your work sounds a intolerable. You should be paid correctly. Have you checked what you should get paid? For example, does your organisation have the enterprise agreements with it's employees? If it does, then check out the wages and conditions for your position. If it doesn't then have a look at the Fair Work Ombudsman (Australian Government) for information about the basic wage and conditions. There are avenues you can take if you're wage is incorrect. The Fair Work Ombudsman provides you details about how you can do this.

I hope this helps you out.

Keep reaching out when you want to. You're not alone Melbourneguy.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[Croix]

Dear Melbourneguy~
Your work sounds very much as if it is taking advantage of you, if it has a high turnover plus surplus after only a couple of years the lack of money to pay you sounds improbable. If you feel you are being badly treated and are basically powerless to do much about it I'm not in the least surprised you are becoming ill. Stress plus being treated poorly plus being stuck is a pretty bad recipe.

So as PamelaR did I'd like to ask if you have been to the doctor and are getting treatment for depression? I found I simply kept getting worse until I did. Being able to cope and the energy and will to tackle problems can come with the right help.

It does not sound as if your partner has a realistic idea of what is happening - another thing in your life that will make you feel down. Do you think once you have been to a doctor it might be possible for them to talk it over and for her to understand better as a result? If someone has had no experience of depression or other mental illness it can be very hard to see things as they really are. They tend to judge by everyday standards rather than realizing what is and isn't possible.

Talking of your partner does she help with the finances? A partnership is a unit after all and most things should be shared, not putting all the burden on one person.

I've found there is one habit that has been very useful. To do something I enjoy every day. Something that takes my mind right away for problems in life, and gives me something to look forward to. On thing for me is reading. What sort of things would be good for you?

If you would like to come back and talk more that would be good.

Croix