My partner constantly threatens to watch porn, despite knowing how much it hurts me

[Bee1998]

My partner and I have been in an argument today over him ignoring me all of last night, because I’m anxious about him going away soon without me.

We ended up talking about something that he did a little while ago (was unfaithful), and that triggered me, and we got into a bit of a heated argument.
He then pulled the, ”well I’m going to watch p*rn tonight” card on me.

He said it in such a smug, disrespectful manner, like he literally doesn’t have any regards for my well-being. He knows how much I hate p*rn, and how it destroys my self esteem, yet he constantly threatens me with it, and tell me he’s going to watch it tonight, while we’re on bad terms.

He tells me he’s going to watch it, and there’s nothing I can do about it.

Whenever he tells me this, I become enraged with anger. He really knows how to push my buttons and trigger me, and I hate him for it.
I literally am going to smash my house to pieces one day, which will be out of my control.

[Fiatlux]

Hi Bee1998,

I am possibly somewhat older than you, but I too despise porn and especially as it’s so readily available and extreme to the point of disturbing.

My children are all in their mid to late 20’s now and I have had discussions about the type of pornography that is on the net.

Both my sons told me that they are aware that a lot of what is online is not realistic or reality. They know that it has nothing to do with a loving relationship. Further, they know that it’s unacceptable to ask a partner to perform any sexual acts that they see online. 
 

I know that their generation has grown up having access to it and they have reassured me that they have no interest in it. They still pay videos games with mates online.

I don’t know what to tell you to do about your partner watching porn but the disrespectful that he is showing you is unacceptable. 
 

I know my husband would watch porn alone after I had gone to sleep. I felt used and violated if he came to bed wanting sex afterwards.

Coming from someone who has been there and is still there, you may be are in a abusive relationship, possibly with someone with narcissistic behavior. Just like my husband, affairs in their definition are narcissistic. The lack of respect and regard he has for you is narcissistic. 

I don’t made these comments lightly, but like you, I did not consent to a third person coming into my relationship.

I did not consent to being put at risk of STI, which I was.

My husband totally disregarded me and my health, both physically, emotionally and psychologically.

He also has put me at greater risk of human papilloma disease and cervical cancer. His affair partners, both had multiple partners and unprotected sex. I did not consent to being put at risk.

This is abuse and your partner needs to be aware of this. This is not a trivial matter.

Please reach out for support including calling 1800 Respect. 

Take care of yourself first and foremost. Fiatlux 🙏🏼

[tranzcrybe]

Sorry I don't have a history of your situation beyond a few weeks, but why does your partner ignore you?

It seems from the verbal affront that his primary objective is to torment you with something that you detest. The porn itself seems secondary to purpose.

And, as you say, there is nothing you can do about it, so you need a counterattack to perhaps make him think twice next time...

When partner prefers to fantasise, what might you do in a similar vain?:-

• visit a friend
• go to a movie
• a girl's night out
• ooh - invite a man over! (no, not for any funny business, but to plant the seed in partner's head that you too can play that game - it is 'only fantasy' after all...?)
• whatever you can think of to create the impression that you couldn't care less about what partner would rather do than be with you - this is something you can control!

It might prevent you blowing a fuse and, who knows, the thought that you may not be exclusive might turn the tables - even open a few doors...?