My partner cheated on a perfect relationship

Anonymous2109 · ‎16-10-2019

Hi,

My partner and I have been together for nearly 9 months. A couple of weeks ago my best friend had told me that a mutual friend of ours had been receiving innapropriate messages from my him. I asked to check his phone (he NEVER has had any reservations about me checking his phone and never hides his phone e.g. always has it out at the dinner table when we're together etc) and I didn't see any messages. My best friend then supplied me with the screenshots which basically revealed him begging this girl to come over to his house, and making comments about how comfy his bed is, despite her saying no several times. Now the weirdest part is he's only met this girl once, she's never given him any signs she was even remotely interested (judging by the messages they shared), and he knows for a fact that this girl is a lesbian, in a committed relationship, and both she and her girlfriend run in my social group?!?!
Anyways after many tears and fights I decided to stay with him if only he could explain why he did it. He blurted out that it was to seek acceptance from her. Him and I have had a PERFECT relationship and I know he loves me to death considering he gives me ALL his time, energy, affection and love 24 hours of the day, 7 days a week. He treats me like an absolute queen ALL the time. Because of how great he is to me, I make an effort to always tell and show him how much I adore and appreciate him too. He has been an absolute perfect boyfriend to me and never betrayed my trust or even upset me until this point. He's an all round respectful person to everyone he comes across, and everyone in his life (his and my friends and family) think this is completely out of character for him. He is adopted, and has loving adopted parents, however he feels as though they are often unsupportive of his goals in life and this demotivates him, perhaps making him feel unaccepted. Also I notice that he is a chameleon, changing himself to please others. E.g. if he plays his favourite song/wants to go somewhere and someone says they don't like it, he will start bagging out the song/place too. He says he does this because he's afraid to be perceived as difficult or be unliked. He is also incredibly hard on himself when he fails at something, even if its no big deal. He'll call himself degrading names and become defeated. I can see that he wants to change, and is already taking small steps to be more assertive. Does anyone have tips on how I can work on these issues with him?

Anonymous2109 · ‎16-10-2019

also, of course I asked if there was anything I could do to help him feel more accepted and he said no, that I was already being the perfect partner to him and he couldn't ask for anything more. (Evidently not true considering he turned to another girl for acceptance). When pressed, he said the only thing I could change was being more present on dates with him and less on my phone when he speaks to me... which I completely agree with and have already stopped doing.

Anzacspirit · ‎16-10-2019

Hi there Anonymous2109,

i made a post on here only two days ago about how I cheated on my wife of 17 years and seeing you write what you did I feel I need to help you. Being present in each other’s company is very important, our phones take us away from our life too easily. Make sure you sit with each other , hold hands, talk talk talk. I started to drift away from my relationship, I sought comfort online in strangers when everything I ever wanted was my wife’s attention. I see a psychologist now and it may pay for your partner to speak to one as there may be some underlying issues that have caused this situation. Being open and honest with each other is super important. My relationship with my wife is now so much stronger than it has been in a long time thanks to her forgiveness and to us opening up and actually talking. I wish you all the best in getting things back on track

Croix · ‎16-10-2019

Dear Anonymous2109~

Welcome here, I'm glad you came and had the courage to set things out, even though very personal, and see the views of others. I think your partner is lucky to have someone like you who is prepared to look at things and try and repair the situation.

It is devastating to find the one you felt solid, reliable and permanent is not what you thought. One does not know whatto think, or what to do, one can even doubt oneself.

I guess reading your posts two things stand out for me, the first is that your partner said he was "seeking acceptance", which may in fact be true.

The second was you saying "I notice that he is a chameleon, changing himself to please others" which seems to me is pretty much the same thing.

I doubt there would be much you could do to improve matters, it sounds as if you are already giving love and attention, which is the real core of a partnership. True phones can tend to take over, but you have that in hand.

May I suggest it is your partner that should seek help in the matter? Perhaps he has anxiety or some similar illness, and the way to find out is to go see a doctor, and in a long appointment set out truthfully what has been happening and why he thinks it happens, how he feels.

An excessive desire to please others is not uncommon, and he may find life easier and less worrisome if he can obtain help.

Do you think this is on the right track? and if so can you persuade him to seek help?

Croix