My partner and I fight when we drink

[Guest_56074418]

Last night my partner and I had a massive dispute because I played a song, I then asked him if he listened to the lyrics and he got fired up. I calmly said "its ok I'll play it again", that lead to him absolutely loosing it at me, saying it's all about me and if I don't get what I want I make sure I do. We were drinking having a laugh and chatting about how much we loved each other prior to this suitation. It seemed completely out of the blue. I left, had a shower and got into bed. He came in and told me that he shouldn't be the one who sleeps in another room after a fight and told me to get out of bed. I refused so then he took all my bedding, everything except the mattress. He ripped the pillows out from underneath me then took the blanket and the sheets. He told me to leave but I simply didn't move. I suppose for a few reasons but I was in shock. He didn't lay a hand on me but I was really scared of him. He was behaving like a mad man. I then found a dooner in the cupboard and used a jumper as a pillow, but he came back and took them away too. I layed there freezing until many hours later I feel asleep. I woke up at 3am thinking what do I do? I love him, I really do but now I'm scared of him and how he can treat me. I don't know what to do. I know alcohol is a poision, and he doesn't behave this way when his sober but I don't want to stop him drinking, I just can't handle him behaving like this when he drinks too much. Most of the time we have a beautiful loving relationship. I care for his 3 chrildren as if they were my own. But our somewhat perfect relationship then all goes pear shaped. I know what a red flag is but I can't help thinking this is my fault. Please ask me questions, I won't lie. I need to figure out what to do. I don't want to leave him, but I also don't want this to continue. I am being vulnerable, and I'm prepared to hear the truth. No matter how brutal it is. I please just need help. 

[Tibel]

Jesus Christ, what was the song?

That's a really sad reaction. I like to share music with the people in my life, and I like to have music shared with me. Coincidentally, a friend of mine has recently been struggling with domestic violence and one of the first things I did you try make her feel better was create a shared playlist, it's called "songs to listen to while you succumb to dark forces" on YouTube music. 

That being said, I understand that the biggest impediment for most people when it comes to enjoying music is prejudice. People might be embarrassed to listen to some commercial country artist like Jimmie Allen, for example, and while listening to him doesn't exactly make me feel sophisticated, he's still enjoyable in a frivolous way. 

All of this is beside the point, though. We might understand why these things can be a trigger, but at the end of day it seems like a lot of what you're experiencing is domestic violence. There are plenty of services out there for you. We're a month away from the coldest part of the year, so reading about how you were forced to sleep without adequate warmth is very upsetting, you deserve better than that.

It also sounds like you both might have substance use problems. Or maybe it's just your partner? There's not enough information to go by. I think it's pretty normal to enjoy a few drinks every now and then, and even get somewhat drunk on occasion, but if you find yourself getting excessively drunk, or you find that these problems keep happening when you drink, or if drinking is getting in the way of you living your best life, I think it's a problem.

If you've come into someone's life, and you've treated them with respect and kindness, and you go as far as to take on the burden of a family he started with someone else, then that's an incredibly noble and loving thing to have done, and you do not deserve to be treated with cruelty and disrespect in response.

[therising]

The warmest of welcomes to you as you face what sounds so incredibly upsetting and confusing. Such a heartbreaking and stressful situation.

Whether this was a one off experience you faced, which holds the potential to wake you both up to the extent of the issues in the relationship (including alcohol related issues), or it's something that tends to happen on certain occasions as a repeat thing, I think they're 2 different issues. The first can involve a completely unexpected loss of control, beyond what you could both have imagined, which needs to be addressed. The second would be labelled as 'ongoing domestic abuse', which will continue as long as all the ingredients are there for a volatile recipe (certain triggers, emotional issues and alcohol). Of course, this also needs addressing, especially for the sake of the kids.

Whether what your partner says is true or not, that it's all about you and if you don't get what you want you make sure you do, it's obviously a significant trigger he needs to address when fully conscious (aka 'sober'). As a gal who's an ex drinker, I can relate to how there can be parts of us responsible for resolution which can completely go offline when alcohol's involved. These are parts that can lead us to relate to reason, parts of us that have a calming effect, parts that are more open minded in regard to how things can be changed or  improved and so on. These can also be the parts of us that keep the reigns on the rager in us and other unreasonable aspects. Free reign for these parts in us is rarely a good thing, especially when they can get wild and out of control.

If you find yourself having to be careful around your partner whenever he drinks, so as not to trigger abusive facets in him, it's definitely a red flag (huge red flag). If your inner dialogue sounds a little like 'As long as I don't upset him...', 'As long as I make him happy...', 'As long a I don't raise certain issues or say certain things...' etc etc, this means as long as he's drinking you're managing 1)his triggers, 2)his mind, 3)his emotions, 4)his behaviour and 5)his alcohol use. He doesn't need to manage these things because you're managing them. You're the one taking responsibility for them. This can be a way of life for the partner of a drinker. Such a life isn't necessarily obvious until it finally becomes obvious. While I gave up being a big drinker long ago, my husband remains a regular drinker. Although he's not a seriously abusive guy, his drinking still comes with a number of challenges that I've gradually woken up to over the years. The need to put my mental health ahead of his drinking was definitely a constructive wake up call.

[David35]

It sounds like alcoholic abuse; abuse that only occurs when the person is drunk. I would hear stories from guys in AA about it when I was attending many years ago. I'm a reformed alcoholic; nearly 14 years coming up July. I would be fine until I started drinking. Then I would start abusing my parents because my life hadn't turned out the way I wanted it to. In the end I realised that the alcohol would allow me to tap into my emotions, those things that get in the way during the day or the week, and realise I didn't like myself (I was unemployed, lost my career due to a head injury, had no friends, etc.) So instead of working on things in my own life to address all those issues, I did what most people who are terrified of their emotions do, blame the causes on someone else (loved ones). I suspect that's what is happening here. His behaviour has been "triggered" and it most likely has nothing to do with the song. It's something that is bothering him that he feels uncomfortable talking about.

It depends how long he's been drinking like this as to whether he needs to go to AA, but that is his choice. You can't force him to get help. The only thing you can really do is teach him to trust you by sharing what's on his mind, preferably when he's sober. Anger is usually the sign that there is something the person doesn't like about himself.. Just my thoughts because I used to behave this way towards the two people who cared about me the most (mum and dad). Eventually their patience wore out and I got myself sober. Accepting that I needed help was very difficult (denial, confusion, acceptance, etc.) But in the end, I'm much better for it.