My husband is not the man I married

[JFree]

We have been married for 3 years, together for 5. Previously I was in a very abusive 14 year relationship.
When I met my husband, we were both going through court with our ex’s. He was amazing. From the start, he was my rock, even though he was going through a similar situation. He was so kind and gentle, opposite of everything I have every experienced. He recognised my undiagnosed PTSD and severe anxiety and helped me get the therapy and treatment I needed, (I came from a family and relationship culture that shamed and ridiculed mental health issues). We both have children from our previous relationships and he quickly became my children’s hero. They adore him to this day.
We share common goals and are very focussed hard working people. We have smashed our goals in the last few years and seem to everyone on the outside like the ultimate happy couple.
The first two years of our relationship was the happiest time of my life. My new partner was amazing in every way. He doted on our collective children, (his and mine) and was /sometimes still is, amazing with my oldest son who struggles with his relationship with his own father and has some resulting behaviour, (control and anger issues and defiance due to inconsistent expectations and unfair or over the top discipline from his father).
Then we got married. That very night I found out from his family that my new husband had been a raging alcoholic most if his life before meeting me. He didn’t even drink in the whole two years we were together previous to our wedding night. He sure made up for it.
He got absolutely blind. I felt so alone at our wedding.
His wedding. He planned it, spent much more than I wanted to and guilt tripped me into “compromising”on the court house wedding or elopement I wanted and getting me to agree on a ‘small’ gathering. Then invited his entire Sicilian family. At this time I was still very much unwell and suffered badly from social anxiety and paranoia, which he knew and pretended to be understanding of.
When we got to our accommodation he was so disgustingly drunk. He was clumsy and got rough with me and I got upset and put a halt to it. He promptly passed out and I cried myself to sleep wondering if I had just made a huge mistake.
I addressed all of this the next morning when his hangover died down. He was so contrite and sorry, told me he was just excited to be marrying the love of his life and wanted to share it all and admitted that yes he had been a heavy drinker - tbc

[geoff]

Hello JFree, thank you for joining the forums and understand exactly what you have told us.

To leave a previous abusive relationship and then meet someone who appeared to be the complete opposite must have been a dream come true, a person who didn't drink for 2 years and did everything right, especially with the kids, seemed to be your saviour.

Different cultures have other ideas about mental illness, unfortunately, it still happens, and I'm not qualified to say, but we are still humans and susceptible to what goes on around us and can be affected one way or another both positively as well as negatively, but it's this latter that can create problems.

Your wedding night must have been something you weren't prepared for, being such a surprise and certainly not capable of knowing what to do, and doesn't mean that he's still going to drink, however, the worry may be when something does go wrong and then he starts to drink is a concern, because saying he won't has to be shown.

When a new relationship starts, everything will be done so that this connection will stay together, and if this means no alcohol then this is possible, but as it lengthens, then old habits may return.

I hope this doesn't happen to you, but are you able to be diagnosed by your doctor and explain the situation to them, then the appropriate help will follow.

I really hope we can hear back from you.

Geoff.

[Isabella_]

Hi there,

I'm glad that you've shared that with us..

I can see that this is something that deeply affects you.. I can see that you feel very betrayed and hurt, especially considering the previous trauma you experienced in your previous relationship. The man you thought he was wasn't truely him. I'm curious.. After the wedding, has he been drinking very heavily, and acting different to the man he was the first 2 years you were together?

You mentioned that you've received treatment for severe anxiety and PTSD.. Is this something that you still receive treatment for? I really hope that you're looking after yourself and that you're in a safe space.

I'm always here for a chat. I'd love to hear from you.