My estranged daughter turns 21 today

[Jstar49]

Hi everyone, I'm completely new here so Hello and thanks for being here.

It's my eldest daughter's 21st birthday today and I'm feeling pretty emotional about it. She hasn't spoken to me in 4 years, and refuses to have any contact with me, my husband or our 10 yr old daughter. I was a single mum with her, stayed around her dad's town in order for her to have a relationship with him but finally left when she was 8, to return up north and be closer to family. That's a whole other story.

She was impacted by my PND, for sure, and things have always been intense between us. Chaotic too. Interesting, but not exactly stable. My marriage when she was 10 was the start of some kind of normal, and now I've never been so content or mentally/emotionally stable, even tho I still need to take care of myself, not get overwhelmed, and watch myself re: taking on others opinions/judgements.

I worry about her but I tell myself maybe it's for the best, maybe she just needs time and space to discover who she is, and learn to forgive the mistakes of the past and accept herself and myself for who we are.

It's hard tho. Today I just would love to see her, see her smile at me, hug her and tell her how proud of her I am. And hear whatever she has to say.

Anyhow, thanks for listening. I know there's others out there with similar stories. It seems like the world just needs a course in family harmony! It's so sad for the kids that get caught up in it.

Cheers,

Jstar

[Jstar49]

Thanks Sleepy,

that’s how I try to think about these situations, about what I would like if the tables were turned. Sometimes I have to protect myself tho. It’s hard sometimes knowing the difference! Very like the desiderata prayer- I need the wisdom to know the difference between situations which require courage, and those which require acceptance

I think I fluctuate....with my daughter at least. Some days I practice acceptance, with what I cannot change. Some days I act with courage, in order to change what needs to be changed. And most days I feel stupid! And know I need wisdom!

How are you going this day?

cheers, and thankyou for the encouragement.
J*

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey J*,

Yeah, it's not a good strategy. I won't lie, I've always had a bit more fire than was necessarily good for me. It hasn't gone, but I take myself out of situations that bring the worst of it out in me these days.

Sorry to hear another episode was gearing up when your friend made her conveniently timed call. I do understand what you mean about the nasty moments lingering and overshadowing the redeeming features.

For what it's worth, I think you're doing a pretty good job of holding onto your better qualities through times that would bring out the worst in most of us. It's unfortunate you feel the need to have an exit strategy in place, but I think the sensible choice. That said, I have known of separation to be the thing that brings about reconciliation and lasting change in a relationship. You never know what's possible.

Sounds like your daughter has simply been around negatively biased influences, that have reinforced any negative thoughts she had of you and undermined the positives. I'm sorry it got to the point where she just stopped talking to you. I can only imagine how hard it can be not even hearing a clear reason for why she won't talk to you. Needlessly callous in my opinion. I've been known to cut people out of my life, but always for a good reason and never without them knowing exactly why. Can't quite get my head around your daughter's way of going about things. How are you feeling after sending the card?

Sounds like returning to work has really been the right decision for you. Doing some good, being appreciated, having some income and the expanded choices that come with having income. I'm glad it's working out that way, you deserve it.

Blue.

[Jstar49]

Hey Blue,

Yes! I agree about eldest d. She is heavily influenced by that part of family, the negative influences. It's so easy to criticise others isn't it? Harder to look at ourselves and figure out what part we play.

I've been debating today about whether to extend an invite for my sister to come to T's party this weekend. I have decided not to throw pearls before swine, finally. I feel a bit sad about that, but I guess, looking back, it's always been me thats made the overtures of friendship and forgiveness, and then she seems to find it easy to cut loose and blame me again for everything. So I guess I want to see something coming from her, some apology or change, before I can trust again. Maybe when we're old and grey!

I can feel your strong independent presence when I write these words, and truly want to be as impervious to what she and others are thinking of me, talking.

Yes work has been really good for me. Altho I want a holiday! It's a bit hard thinking of school hols coming up, and not having a week off. Last hols I started work in the second week. I am tired, deeply so. H's work has been busy, it's been birthday week, and I had a client die this week, someone I really liked.

Just cooking for the party today. Chilling out and listening to music while I do.

It will be fun. Some parents will stay for a bit too, so it will be a good chance to chat and enjoy some sangria hopefully! I always run around like a chook with its head off tho, so I'm trying to figure out how to NOT do that this time!

Hey things with H are pretty good atm! He got over my slightly drunken exuberance on our date nite, and has been calm and connected all week. Exit strategy not even in my thoughts!

I've made some changes to my diet and implemented 'cooling' strategies, which has helped a lot (altho I'm still a hot head I think its manageable lol, and part of my appeal?? hahalol) That is , since my early 20's. Still a WIP, of course, but as you say, learning to leave situations which have the potential to trigger a blow up. Finally learning how to calm down in the moment. Cold water! Just being more aware. Letting off steam is a big one too, in safe ways. Last week, dancing wildly to Transvision Vamp of all things LOL! And talking heads 🙂

Gotta go cook!

LOVE

J*

[ecomama]

Hey J*

Happy Birthing Day to YOU for tomorrow or whenever T's birthday is!
I hope you all have a great party and enjoy some sangria too lol.

You're going great.

I'm sorry to hear a client passed away. That's hard. Hugs.

I made it through my first full time week in ages this week and the only things that helped was going to bed at 7:30 some nights and eating well. I'm pooped.

I'm staying up tonight as a "treat" to get onto the forums and try to catch up just a bit!
I'm also waiting for a call from the kids to pick them up from work from now till 1 or 2am - yeah yuck.
I've been going to sleep and waiting for their call mostly lately, just to get sleep in.

It's hard working through school hols. I hope you all do okay.

I didn't realise you weren't aware of eldest ds reasonings about the NC she chose?
Whether any of us would think any of it is reasonable is another case entirely.

Clearly if she's been surrounded by influences that isolate you (as in DV and FV text book behaviour) then that's the rub right there.
It stinks to high heaven.

I'm glad you haven't given up, I doubt I ever could either.

I could be a hot head in the past too. I'm not so much at all anymore. Perhaps I'm finally getting to my true essence? Maybe it's just the absence of nutters lol.
It used to take a real LOT to get me going though.

Still in saying all that, it's probably pretty important that we can evoke the Warrior Woman inside of us for when required, even if it's to assert our boundaries.

Love EMxxxx

[Jstar49]

Hey Em,

Hugs! Those post mid nite runs sound really hard. Hope that there’s a different solution soon- broken sleep is really hard to work on.

It’s so nice to hear your voice! I have missed you! ❤️
I’ve had a lovely, if crazy busy, afternoon. As soon as I sat down with a sangria, after organising games and food etc for 2 hrs, my folks turned up. Which is always weird. Dad made some comment about it being windy. It wasn’t windy. We were worried it would be and therefore cold outside, but it wasn’t windy. So right from the get go it was weird. Still. T was so happy to see them, and they brought a present from eldest d for T.
I bumped into d in the supermkt yesterday. She blanked me, aggressively. The only words she had were ‘no’. as she pushed past me and focused on finding her items on the shelf.

I nearly didn’t recognise her, she’s changed so much.

I don’t think she’s the same person as the kid in my photos. I don’t know this person at all.
I’ll never give up, I know that.
It’s interesting to consider the behaviour of family from a dv/ fv perspective. I guess there’s something in that .

Tbh, in one way I’m so glad that I’ve been.... withdrawn from all that yucky toxic behaviour. I am grateful for work and friends which have nothing to do with family .

isn’t that weird? I have always seen the black sheep thing to be a bit of a curse, but maybe it can be turned around into a blessing.
Weekend Em. Hope it brings you rest.
love

J*

[Jstar49]

Update:

Just spending the day recovering from all the energy expended on the weekend. The murmur of my thoughts post an event like T’s party is usually hard for me to deal with. Self critical, anxious that I’ve done something, or not done something......unable to take everyones lovely comments at face value. I’m used to it, of course, and I’m better able to cope now than ever before, but it still bothers me.
still. It was a good day/ night, and now it’s over!

It probably would have been fine if mum and dad hadn’t turned up. I guess that’s the origin of my self criticism.

I noticed a website offering yoga for empaths. it seemed to be appropriate, so I took some time to practice yoga and stretching today, instead of watching Netflix. Time for centring my energies and restoring boundaries, perhaps.

my head feels tainted by my fathers flavour. As if his dour displeasure hangs cloud like over my head.
Im a grown up now! I must find a way to compartmentalise this crap!

J*

[Jstar49]

Hi,

I listened to a podcast about shame and accountability today, and she - Berne Brown- said this thing about how ppl need to be held accountable for the words and actions which have caused pain for others. Only then can families, and cultures/countries get beyond the situations created by addictions, bullying, racism, abuse etc.

I wonder tho, how would you even begin to work with someone who wasn’t ready to be accountable for their actions? Who is still scapegoating and blaming others? I think she’s talking about a new paradigm- one in which we know this stuff and can work twds healing.

I wish I knew how to take it to the next level.
J*

[Guest_1643]

hi j

it's an interesting concept

i listened to a video the other day about childhood trauma and he said that the line "your parents did they best they could" isn't true and doesn't help childhood trauma survivors. Did they seek help? Wander what part they had in ur trauma? Wander why you were showing signs of trauma?".. etc etc (i'm paraphrasing him here - Patrick Teahan)

how do we deal with someone who won't ever accept it, and actually scapegoats us. ANd how do we also not do that back in return, and fail to notice our own part and our own responsibility?
interesting.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey J*,

I'm sorry that your daughter is paying too much heed to those influences. It is all too easy to fall prey to negativity, isn't it? Doubts creep in, then over time, enmity, whether or not it is deserved. Few look for evidence when such things are said often to them, and with confidence. It is greatly unfortunate. For some yes, it is just easier to blame others. Some of us are perhaps too willing to hold ourselves accountable. Balance is the hard part.

I understand your feelings about your sister, I certainly think it's her turn. Even if you were to extend the hand of peace again, I wouldn't pick a special occasion she will likely turn sour. On that subject, how are you going with processing your parents' unexpected visit? I certainly understand your analysis of events after a social evening, I do it a bit, myself, if perhaps to a lesser extent. I guess your parents didn't help with that critical voice. 😕

I'm not sure anyone is fully impervious to what others of any perceived importance think of them, but insofar as I have that "strong independent presence" (thank you), I impart what I can of that spirit to you.

Certainly sounds like an intense week at home and at work. Of course you're tired. But hey, you handled it like a trooper, go you! I hope you get some good quality time with your wee one during school holidays around work. Sorry to hear about the death of your client, of course that will be hard to bear, especially given your caring nature.

Glad to hear you've had a good stretch with hubby, that must be a relief. May it continue.

Sorry to hear of your supermarket encounter with D, that must have been hard. I do agree with EM about DV/FV being a strong isolating influence. Psycho ex tried all sorts to isolate me. Didn't work, of course, I did my own thing anyway and boy did it make him angry. It's different in a family though, harder to evaluate information from people she's known her whole life as opposed to some wonky outsider. I was happy to see your words to EM about seeing the good side of being a "black sheep", though. It's not a curse at all, it absolutely does take you out of that toxic behaviour and give you the room to choose your own family - master of your own destiny, and all that. I think this is a positive turning point in your perspective on your family struggles.

Hope you're in a more settled place today after recent events. Here to listen if not.

Blue.

[Jstar49]

Hey Blue, Hey Sleepy,

It was so lovely to check in here and read the thoughful comments from both of you. It's been too much for me to be on BB much, and for some reason not my own thread. I think I got a bit sick of myself! Plus I've been sick- the tiredness I was feeling befor ethe party manifested in a compulsory week long break from work, complete with sleeping on the couch and feeling like I was dying! Forst day back at work today, and feeling it- very tired. Physically weak.

Another turn in the cycle of H and his problems. Muttering in the background. The silent snarl. I'm expecting another drama. Not sure if I can head it off or not. I've noticed some triggering around his role as 'head of the house' discipline issues and wanting things to be a certain way. Tonite it began becos I left the skin on the potatoes, as they were organic. And tbh I couldn't be arsed. Lol. Didn't know it would bother him so much. we seem to be going our own ways a lot more. Becoming more individuated.

Thanks Blue. Yes, some good reflections on the nature of this split with my daughter. It's too easy (and therefor a bit lazy) to just accept that I am at fault, that I am awful and she is flawless, becos that is the story which is being told. The truth is always a lot more complex, and I sense some of the older person I will be in some of my newer thoughts. A sort of acceptance that we all choose our path in life, for better or worse. And that refusing to conform has never been easy. To think in radical new ways may be the only way of survival for humanity.

Cheers,

J*