My estranged daughter turns 21 today

[Jstar49]

Hi everyone, I'm completely new here so Hello and thanks for being here.

It's my eldest daughter's 21st birthday today and I'm feeling pretty emotional about it. She hasn't spoken to me in 4 years, and refuses to have any contact with me, my husband or our 10 yr old daughter. I was a single mum with her, stayed around her dad's town in order for her to have a relationship with him but finally left when she was 8, to return up north and be closer to family. That's a whole other story.

She was impacted by my PND, for sure, and things have always been intense between us. Chaotic too. Interesting, but not exactly stable. My marriage when she was 10 was the start of some kind of normal, and now I've never been so content or mentally/emotionally stable, even tho I still need to take care of myself, not get overwhelmed, and watch myself re: taking on others opinions/judgements.

I worry about her but I tell myself maybe it's for the best, maybe she just needs time and space to discover who she is, and learn to forgive the mistakes of the past and accept herself and myself for who we are.

It's hard tho. Today I just would love to see her, see her smile at me, hug her and tell her how proud of her I am. And hear whatever she has to say.

Anyhow, thanks for listening. I know there's others out there with similar stories. It seems like the world just needs a course in family harmony! It's so sad for the kids that get caught up in it.

Cheers,

Jstar

[ecomama]

Hey J*! That's really positive news! So refreshing to read, especially the part about him listening to your ideas about a TREEHOUSE lol. Just joking, that's all really nice.

They do say marriage takes alot of hard work. The reality is that not all of our needs can be met by one person. Not even the person we marry or partner with. Also nobody is perfect, gosh I always used to say that to demon but I said it to my kids so many times following that if I expected others to be perfect then they'd expect the same from ME. Mind you it was usually in response to demon's relentlessly high standards for ME and minus zero of anything from itself.

The Counselling part is wonderful too. Just great. I'm so happy there's been a reset.

Yes! that is exactly what must've happened to demon.
It's been entirely "possessed" lol... more like it's physical features have changed so much I couldn't recognize it AT ALL. Neither could Alexa for a long while either tbh. Extremely ugly, nasty to say, but true. The funny thing is that demon has always been on the extreme end of vain. I'm on the other end lol. But indeed yes, ofcourse I've become more beautiful lol!!! Hahaha. IDK but I'm happy and it shows.

PLAN THAT TREEHOUSE hahaha. I'm planning our cabin. Thrown out the whole design it myself idea to go with a pre-fab (I'm pretty sure now).

Work onsite for me today. I got to sleep in by an hour. No lunches to make for the kids just me. They get to sleep in lol. They're pretty self managing when it comes to Home Learning (thank goodness). Just the chooks & pets to feed before I go, so I'd better go!

I made the best pork ribs last night according to BFs expertise guidance lol. And the BEST mashed potato ever! I don't like it usually but this was yummo!

Sadly I have to get out of my sloppy home clothes darn it hahaha.
Just for today though. I get to be comfortable at home every 2nd day lol.

Happy news, I'm grateful for it too.

Take care and Love always
EMxxxx

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey J*,

Ah, the backflip. Okay, it's good he's talking openly and leaning back toward counselling. It sounds like you had a really productive conversation. That said, and I don't want to take the positive away from you, please be on the look-out for signs of him flipping back the other way again. Call him out on it, he must know by now that isn't going to bode well for your marriage if he can't be consistent.

I know what you're saying about enmeshment. But that's what a relationship is. That's one of the ways abusers keep their partners around. Of course consider that, but not above your safety - and when I say safety I don't just mean physical safety, I mean peace of mind. If that isn't there, it erodes your safety in many other ways, I'm an expert in that. Again, something H should be made aware of - your physical and mental safety is paramount, and his actions are instrumental in where you're at with that.

I'm proud of you, making the distinction of asking for more in your relationship, and about being able to step back and assess whether the other person is willing to be in it (be it family or in this case, H). You give his needs so much regard, yours need to be met in kind. No one individual is more important in a marriage, you both give 100% or it doesn't work. And the thing is, when he does right by you, he benefits too. A happy wife is more present, more trusting, more loving, more giving, not scared and defensive. No-one loses. You said "H chooses to be in relationship, and shows he cares. We live to fight another day!" This is good, I hope asking for what you need continues to get these results. Stick to your guns.

I'm glad you made a connection with the girl at the party. It's absolutely something born of experience and learning. Your daughter's current decision of NC can't undo the good you got from being her mum. With luck one day you'll be able to share that, who is to say what will come in future? In either case, you have knowledge and experience that can still be used for good. That's a win.

Kind thoughts and a song from Puffballs. 🙂

Blue.

PS I'm with EM, treehouse is a great idea!

[Jstar49]

Hey beautiful Blue,

tears! I got a bit emotional at your very astute summation of the situation! You read it well, and I am touched by your faith in me, I guess. That so true, that my d’s NC stance doesn’t undo the good I gained by being her mum. It shifts something in me, I think becos shame is the emotion uppermost there, and talking about it, and finding pride and positive feelings in my experience of parenting my d helps to negate that shame.
How is puffball?

I hope you’re having a nice snuggle sometime soon ...

BTW the treehouse is a thing! Well, WIP of course, but I have a young friend who is VERY enthusiastic 🤩 We are discussing ideas...

Today we have cleaned the house to sparkling! I was going to a workshop but it got postponed , so the house got cleaned instead, which is really nice!

Cheers,

J*

[Jstar49]

Hey Em,

Yes, there’s def been a reset here at home. Some nice stuff happening.
I’m exploring more of myself too. The financial independence side of things seems to have made a huge difference for me in other, connected ways.
Had a treehouse building session with my young enthusiastic friend. We have a plan! He was very disappointed not to get wood up yesterday, but will need to buy some suitable screws. Nearly everything else we have lying around.
I have been a bit too experimental lately perhaps, with some mood altering plants, and it’s impacted on my MH. I’m also getting closer with a friend, another school mum, and I’m watching my anxiety and vulnerability play together- not very nicely sometimes!
So today I’m struggling just a little bit. Could be it’s a good day to draw and scribble and walk on the beach.

Altho I’m finding it very confronting, I can see that it’s just unearthing hidden muck- maybe much like your gardening exploits have been recently Em! Discovering nasty surprises buried away, which have to be dealt with for a truly fresh start.
Life has been busy with work, and sometimes hanging out with this friend and her kids. Very different from my usual!

Em it sounds like lockdown suits you very well! Isn’t it a pity you can’t work from home more often. Would save a lot of time spent in traffic! I’m glad to hear that things are in a more settled rhythm. I hope you can all manage to stay safe and regroup energy in this time.
Breathe!
( that’s for me lol)

Thanks for touching base,

Cheers,

J*

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey J*,

Wasn't aiming for tears, but glad they were for positive reasons. It can be hard to find the good in things sometimes (boy do I know that the hard way), but they're usually there to find once you've waded through the mud. They tend not to present themselves willingly. Being able to talk about things with your daughter and see past the shame is important.

Both Puffballs are doing well. Many snuggles with them both, work has exhausted me and made me flop in bed almost straight away each day. The birds love it when I stop doing jobs and stay put, then I am a jungle gym for them to play on. It's quite sweet.

Great news about the treehouse, and that you have a helper and a plan. Sounds like fun.

Sometimes cleaning is a good thing, when you get in the zone and accomplish a lot. Very satisfying to see everything sparkly.

Sorry to see you're struggling a bit with your feelings about a new friendship & the repercussions of "mood altering plants". As you say, a good day to do creative things and spend some time in nature. Take stock of where you're at and where you want to be, time out from stress can help make the path from one to the other a lot clearer.

Kind thoughts,

Blue.

[Jstar49]

Hi all,

Firstly, to my dear friends who read along here with me, hugs to you all. I know you’re all dealing with big stuff, and tbh I wish I could be more help and support! Perhaps tho, it’s similar for you as it is for me, that having this safe, almost anonymous space to write and be honest and not have to pretend is just so important for well-being.
Anyway I’m here for you, whatever and whenever.
Almost a whole week later, and my mind is calmer, without the burnt fried feeling that was making everything hard to process.
My friend has been in contact there, and all is well, so the anxiety was in my mind and due to past events. I don’t know if I’ll ever outgrow that anxiety about trusting and getting close to others. I feel like it’s created a bit of a shell around me, this perhaps I need that.
Im not sure how I’ll go next week, with work returning to normal. Hopefully I’ll be ok. I have really enjoyed half days this eeek, and knowing my time off isn’t going to be interrupted with phone calls asking me to work. I mean, it’s not like we get paid to be on call. Yet it’s become so that I can’t go anywhere without my phone, and my mornings have completely changed. It’s a different headspace, being available to work, expecting changes to an already set roster.
however, that’s the job.
Possibly if I hadn’t had so much fun on my weekend, I would be fine. Or maybe it’s just highlighted how different this work is making my life, even in my time off.
Not sure what I can do, will just have to wait and see.
Off to work now, then the weekend. Yay!

cheers,

J*

[ecomama]

Hey J*

I'm happy to read that you had some good recuperation time, some times we just NEED it.

Of course your CREATIVE side flared lol!
Omg I would so love to see the Treehouse when it's finished.
Sounds like so much fun.
Move over T, mum needs the Treehouse lol.

I saw lovely back yard cubby house decoration themes on Pinterest.
SO SWEET. Some are breathtaking.

J* hugs. Things are so melancholic where d is concerned.
Do you find yourself trying SO HARD to make everything sparkly and perfect for T, even moreso since the whole d thing?

I do. Not perfect but MUCH better... and I can't.
It's so hard.
I can only do what I can do.

I heard ravings about Brene's book "The Gifts of Imperfect Parenting" and began to cry.
(I'd cry at a leaf falling atm though).
IDK I think it'd be laden with triggers. IDK.

I watched some Online Talks of Brene last night about shame and other fun stuff.
She has a way that connects with her audience in an authentic way.
It's probably her honesty that gets me in.

Lock down was extended this week for another month for us. But I've spent over 2 weeks in brutal work mode in a very unjust set of processes that I THOUGHT I'd dealt with on Wed.
Nope.
Restated my boundaries, issues, NEEDS. Sleep being ONE!

Being able to breathe another. Anxiety rose in to red zone.

Then the reactions last night. So exhausting.

I can barely follow a train of thought atm. Not sure if I'm dissociating or what.
So I apologise for not attending well.

I hear you, it's VERY hard to switch off over weekends or such.
I am anywhere and in comes an intrusive thought about work!
Everywhere, even the shops.
I'm doing my best today being on the forums. Watched the chickens for a while. Stayed in my PJs.
Ordered delivery for dinner, not cooking tonight.

Back to you sorry.... I'm so glad you're getting a rhythm in your marriage, one you can understand more and go with. So grateful to hear it.

It's lovely.

Love EMxxxx

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hi J*,

Hugs to you, and to EM (I'm practicing!). Yeah, we have a bit on our plates - but I should like to point out that you are being help and support. Who was the first person to come and show me some understanding when I retreated to my PTSD thread? That was you, friend. I value that.

I'm glad to read that your mind is in a calmer place. I completely understand the feelings you're having about making a new friend, and the things that whirl around in your head as you do it, the difficulty in trusting and getting close. I expanded on that a bit in my thread.

Sending some strength (to you and EM) for dealing with work. I hear you about being on call. Haven't quite been there, but I had a period of a year or two with set permanent hours but no permanent roster, it changed wildly every week and I could never plan anything. That got really stressful, it sucked.

How is your week-end going? Are you doing okay?

Kind thoughts,

Blue.

[ecomama]

Hey J*! wasn't that a MAGNIFICENT hug from Blue?

WOW, lol thanks Blue! I LOVED it. GROUP HUG - everyone welcome lol.

J* I saw your comment about friendships on Sleepy's thread.... hmmm lots of ppl talking about it atm here.

Isn't it an amazing phenomenon that that phrase "THAT'S when you find out who your REAL friends are!" (I call this a "bushfire" in life") and it applies to a pandemic, lock downs, challenges that ALL of our society is facing at once?

I usually only applied it to when I had a separation / divorce etc in my life previously.
Now it applies to EVERY ONE simultaneously. A sure phenomenon to witness.

SO no wonder we're talking about it.

And the challenges of "making new friends"? Added layer being during a lock down? a real challenge there!

I didn't say this on Sleepy's thread, I spoke of more metaphysical levels, but on a physical level I call myself a Fisherwoman lol about making new connections.

I think the word connections is what we can all the initial beginnings of a f/ship.

I tell others here to GO INTO activity groups that YOU LOVE.
Love gardening? Join a gardening group.
Like kayaking? Join a kayaking group.

AT THE VERY minimum, you can share TIME with ppl who love to do what you do!
That's really fun! Even if NO great long lasting friendships come of that? you can have ppl who love that activity as you do.

The whole attending groups or classes has altered SO MUCH since this pandemic hit, even uni students don't get to meet! Except for online - some times - rarely for Alexa. They watch the recorded Zoom lesson at any time they want - NOT together.

Do you still feel vulnerable in this new friendship J*?
From watching Brene - yah my hero lol - when speaking of vulnerability, she eludes to ONLY share SOME stuff with SOME ppl....

The ppl you can tell alot more to are those you know have your back.

You don't know that yet.
Slowly slowly catchy monkey lol.

I'm really proud of you embarking on new connections!

Keep us posted if you feel inclined!

We're here. We have your back. All good!

Love always
EMxxxx

[Guest_1643]

Hi J - i just wanted to say hello to you and see whats been happening, and big hugs to Blues, Em and all reading.

i like reading about the trajectories of healing... i'm so impressed with ur creative pull and energy

its beautiful

making friends is a big of block thing for me, i usd to sort of let other ppl make friends with me, like thy would initiate and i'd just join in and follow them, never really asking if I wanted the friendship. i was pretty passive abot the whole thng.

some ppl approch so aggresively

now i'm shy and suspicious about agressive attempts at friendship, espesh when it happens so so fast. Ie best friends in two weeks, talking every day, many times a day... i dont know, for me thats usually led to explosions. And its not so healthy. Healthy stuff grows. But how to find and attract that.... ahhh... eluds me..

sending love and will read wht i've missed to see how u are. how are lockdowns for u there? x