My estranged daughter turns 21 today

[Jstar49]

Hi everyone, I'm completely new here so Hello and thanks for being here.

It's my eldest daughter's 21st birthday today and I'm feeling pretty emotional about it. She hasn't spoken to me in 4 years, and refuses to have any contact with me, my husband or our 10 yr old daughter. I was a single mum with her, stayed around her dad's town in order for her to have a relationship with him but finally left when she was 8, to return up north and be closer to family. That's a whole other story.

She was impacted by my PND, for sure, and things have always been intense between us. Chaotic too. Interesting, but not exactly stable. My marriage when she was 10 was the start of some kind of normal, and now I've never been so content or mentally/emotionally stable, even tho I still need to take care of myself, not get overwhelmed, and watch myself re: taking on others opinions/judgements.

I worry about her but I tell myself maybe it's for the best, maybe she just needs time and space to discover who she is, and learn to forgive the mistakes of the past and accept herself and myself for who we are.

It's hard tho. Today I just would love to see her, see her smile at me, hug her and tell her how proud of her I am. And hear whatever she has to say.

Anyhow, thanks for listening. I know there's others out there with similar stories. It seems like the world just needs a course in family harmony! It's so sad for the kids that get caught up in it.

Cheers,

Jstar

[golden82]

Thank you J* for the lovely gift of a purple balloon and golden string. The image is lovely. 🙂

I hope you are being gentle with yourself this weekend. You are very special - never let anyone make you think otherwise xo

[Jstar49]

Hi Golden,

thankyou❤️
I’m glad you like your balloon.

I like images, in healing work. They are very powerful.
do you draw?

I used to draw a bit when processing difficult emotions, at a certain time in my journey. It’s a great release, and works on an unconscious level. Sometimes our mind interferes too much, and I find other methods- drawing, dancing, singing etc is very healing.
I’m a bit fuddled this morning, so it was lovely to read your special message. I went out for dinner last nite with a group of women, for someone’s birthday. I often find it difficult after these sorts of things- probably why I tend to isolate! I have all these self judgement thoughts going on now, analysing what I said and who likes me and who I like and suchlike.
Times like this I don’t like my mind!
I wonder why I can’t just enjoy the night and be happy with those friendships. Tho it’s more a loose social connection than friendships, formed thru our children and the school, and in support of this one woman we all have in common. She’s going thru a hard time which is why we all made the special effort.
In my heart I’m dancing it out .
Dancing out all my feelings of self loathing and replacing them with this new idea, that I am special and worthy.
love

J*

[Guest_1643]

Hi J it's a hard situation also i'm in the opposite with not talking to my mum.... i admire u are getting the convo flwoing

does sound very practical if she needed support to turn to the grandparents. i guess vulnerable ppl find a place where they can feel okay to land. I myself did that, and didn't land so well because it was with friends who were drug users. I think u are doing a great job and I think of u and ur daughter and send love

[Jstar49]

Thank you Sleepy,

Thats sad that you didn't have a good safe place to land when you needed it. I was glad that my d narrowly avoided moving in with a friend who was getting drunk a lot and also driving drunk. She was hanging out with whoever as well, guys, etc, and I was hugely concerned that my d would be put in very difficult situations becos of that friendship. Luckily, the friend and she had a bust up and that solved that!

For you, did moving in with those friends end up with bad experiences?

Hugs

J*

[Guest_1643]

hi j - it did affect my life a bit, i was attached to guys and friends more for company etc

i moved in with two ppl who were drug dependent and it did have a more non motivating vibe in terms of our activities, just hanging at home, watching movies. i guess in other ways we were safe and took care of each other... but it wasn't the deepest friendship, more based on shared need.

that bust up may be a good thing for ur daughter!! sometimes it takes something a bit sharp and ouch to get out of such a friendship and situation... and then the transition is easier. how is ur d doing atm ?

[ecomama]

Hey J*

Sorry for being MIA, pretty sure I missed some things?

I skimmed thru previous posts.

I just wanted to extend some alternative options of thinking (possibly also things to see).

One is certainly the "Friday night thang". IDK WHY H saves things up for Friday night with you all dressed up lol to pour out his insecurities, but it HAPPENS on Friday nights.
I don't think there's any other way to see it but that it happens on Friday nights.

I would need to bring up this cycle to the marriage counsellor right there.

The thing is that, it's NOT about what you do.
It's all this "stuff" inside H.
But it's also stuff you cannot help him process or deal with.

That stuff is all on H.

I will need to explain my recent processing more (probably on my thread) but it's an extension of what Brene Brown spoke about on her podcast - about having a conversation with those "negative" emotions.... like a REALLY deep conversation.
She speaks of how fear is trying to keep us safe etc.
We can THANK these emotions for working hard for us.
I ask what they were trying to do?
I found once I thanked each of them (and still do if they pop up) then they kind of go to sleep, they calm, they're soothed.

I visualise each of these emotions as one of the monsters from "Where the Wild Things Are" children's book. As I speak with them, they ALSO show emotions. Eventually they curl up on the wings of the stage which I visualise as my life and go to sleep, fluffy, warm and comforted.

Instead of DENYING and fighting fear and other emotions, this process can INTEGRATE them - we all have them! Ours just may have grown monstrous in size lol.

I truly think there's basis in NOT integrating them that correlates with dissociation. I think dissociation is the OPPOSITE of integration.

Lastly I wanted to share something that's helped me ALOT in figuring out my own messy relationships with primary caregivers and close family that fell apart.
People show how they love in very different ways.
Sometimes we can't even SEE how they love us because it's nothing like the ways WE show love.

"We judge other people's action by our own intentions..." Covey.

It doesn't mean they don't love us.

But the disclaimer about abusive ppl, I wonder if they have the capacity to love at all, esp in extreme cases.

Choose the perspective that serves you best. We do have the ability to do this.

Lots of love EMxxxx

[Jstar49]

Hey Sleepy,

my d is doing fine. She’s getting married, without me or my H, and wants nothing to do with me!
sobi guess she’s pretty clear and who and what she needs in her life.
not sure if it’s ultimately a good thing or not, but it’s her life an she’s got to live it as best she can

i bought her a card today, with peacocks on it. I’ll post it soon.

cheers

J*

[Jstar49]

Hey Em,

all good dear eco mama. Hope your family is doing better and that the garden work is helping you process.
I haven’t been on bb forums much.
things at home are changing.
we shall see in what direction.
I’m planning a nite to dance and let my hair down for my big bday celebs this year. I am living my best life, regardless!

ps tonite Friday nite and this time it was my turn to have a few drinks. He has to adjust to my wild side ! Madonna or harlot....!

work is engrossing and I love having another focus. I am appreciated at work.
the balance is shifting. See saw!

cheers

J*

[ecomama]

Hey J*

I am SO GLAD you jumped into the abyss of beginning to look for work and applying for jobs and GETTING that job!

How wonderful that you feel appreciated at work.

You ARE appreciated.

Those wings you spread out wide, helped you fly.
I hope you soar J* I really do.

All the encouragement you could ever need is INSIDE of you.
Having faith and belief in yourself and when you don't, walking by faith is what's gotten me through.

I have COMPLETE faith in you that you'll make the right decisions at the right time, whatever they may be day to day.

Love EMxxxx

[Guest_1643]

hi j, nice that u brought the card and sorry for that pain in difficult distance with ur daughter. that must be very painful and isolating and i am sorry that she doesn't speak to u.

hope ur holding up okay and doing alright at the moment

i feel sad about difficulties in families and hit sometimes feels like a big and impossible thing.... i guess we try our best to navigate around it.

Family can mean different things at different points.

I don't have a very good relationship with one of my relatives, if she sent me a card i'd probably feel happy because it wasn't applying pressure and was from a distance etc. sounds like a sweet gesture.

sending care and support, in whatever way i can be here.