My estranged daughter turns 21 today

[Jstar49]

Hi everyone, I'm completely new here so Hello and thanks for being here.

It's my eldest daughter's 21st birthday today and I'm feeling pretty emotional about it. She hasn't spoken to me in 4 years, and refuses to have any contact with me, my husband or our 10 yr old daughter. I was a single mum with her, stayed around her dad's town in order for her to have a relationship with him but finally left when she was 8, to return up north and be closer to family. That's a whole other story.

She was impacted by my PND, for sure, and things have always been intense between us. Chaotic too. Interesting, but not exactly stable. My marriage when she was 10 was the start of some kind of normal, and now I've never been so content or mentally/emotionally stable, even tho I still need to take care of myself, not get overwhelmed, and watch myself re: taking on others opinions/judgements.

I worry about her but I tell myself maybe it's for the best, maybe she just needs time and space to discover who she is, and learn to forgive the mistakes of the past and accept herself and myself for who we are.

It's hard tho. Today I just would love to see her, see her smile at me, hug her and tell her how proud of her I am. And hear whatever she has to say.

Anyhow, thanks for listening. I know there's others out there with similar stories. It seems like the world just needs a course in family harmony! It's so sad for the kids that get caught up in it.

Cheers,

Jstar

[Jstar49]

Dear EM,

Oh wow, you nailed it! So simple, and so beautiful! Exactly, thankyou. I can and will mail a hand made card to each of them.

You're right you know, the effort of getting back into work is a good focus for me, and is essential in so many other ways. It helps me to not lose myself in all the other stuff, cos I remind myself of what I need to do to stay on track with returning to work, the next job on the list, so to speak.

Thankyou, for understanding, and for your helpful suggestions. I do tend to be too hard on myself.

As an update, counselling went well. Turns out the issue which has been causing the most trouble for H and me could be a more complex MH issue than I was anticipating. More later,

Cheers lovely Em,

J*

[Jstar49]

Hi Golden,

Oh honey, I am so sorry that all that stuff happened to you, in the place which was meant to be your safe place. I can understand how hard it is to believe and trust in yourself and not the lies you were told. You were so young and impressionable when the lies and blaming began that it would be hard to separate them from reality.

Was there anyone in your life who was a different, positive voice/viewpoint? A teacher maybe, or an aunt/uncle? Even if you no longer have contact with them, the memories can be a powerful antidote to the damage.

I can really relate to the treatment by your brother and father. They sound perfectly awful! It took me a long time to recognise how damaging my father and brother's teasing about my weight, and other things, combined with the physical punishment/violence and constant put downs, was. They treated it as normal, and a recent 'conversation' with dad confirmed that he will never ever apologise or see anything wrong with his behaviour. I have been even more blacklisted as I speak out.

There's so much more to say, but Em has said it so well. Your best life is ahead of you. Please, find ways to protect yourself from the hurtful memories, rewrite the past for your inner child, and see yourself as the girl who is surviving and thriving against the odds. BE Golden, truly you, as you are, totally fine, totally lovable, totally and utterly ok as you are.

You are right, they are the ones with the problems, and perhaps don't even see it. Or maybe they do, and don't know how to get help.

Regardless, you are probably not the one to be able to help them.

The best thing you can do for everyone, including yourself, is to continue on your path of recovery.

Maybe it would help to read your own posts as if someone else had written them... it may give you perspective...

Weekend was so lovely, in the mountains, so lovely and cool. Thankyou for asking🙂 The rivers were so cold! Locals laughed and looked puzzled when we asked about swimming holes LOL! Only the tourists swim I think!

Glad to be home, all the same.

Please keep sharing Golden, I don't mind at all,

Love

J*

[ecomama]

"But I am the one with the golden heart and soul.."

Indeed you are.

Now THIS can be one of the Quotes that truly resonate within you because YOU wrote it.

Okay, so you know that I'm A LOT older than you, right? You might be able to tell that I spoke with my Counsellor AND my psych friend today lol.

But I think I began looking 'rationally' or as objectively as I could, being the scapegoat also etc... probably around 9yo.
I was a KEEN observer of how my younger cousins were 'turning out' with the parenting they were getting. I was also VERY involved in child rearing of my brothers and my cousins.. like every day with my brothers and at least weekly with my cousins and some times all holidays.
Enmeshed lol.

Now it's become a 'longitudinal study' of mine spanning over 50y of observation.
Even reading recent research etc on all types of abuse etc...

BUT what I concentrated on the MOST was what a child NEEDED.
I still do.
And that's what I think J* was referring to by "your inner child".

No way did I avoid the "trap" of being in abusive relationships, heck I didn't even know they WERE abusive, so much was 'normal' to me.

Now I know it was COMMON but not normal.

As a medical person you'd be used to reading data.
In a spreadsheet you could write on the Left hand column what was said to you.... then in the RIGHT hand column what is NORMAL, not common! NORMAL ie what YOU would actually say to a child.

The thing is that we can blame our abusive childhoods forever more.
We absolutely CAN.
We have that choice to do so.
But being ROPED to an abusive childhood is not a way to BE responsible and MOVE into the future you want for yourself.

If you read some of Dr Joe Dispenza's research and it's HIGHLY technical stuff about "rewiring your brain" it tells us that our very CELLS store the emotional feedback loops of our minds.

We CAN control our minds.
It's important to acknowledge our feelings, SURE!

His works show you how.

What I want for you is to become 'emotionally detached' from your memories of the abuse.
Now I can look at these as faint memories after the tremendous amount of work I did last year.

Trust me, lol, I'm so empathic it's almost driven me nuts lol, SO many ppl think I'm the same as before but I'm NOT.
This work has helped beyond measure to 'detach'.

You can do it golden. I KNOW you can. As Blue said "anything worth attaining takes hard work" (sic btw lol).

Love EMxxxx

[golden82]

Thanks J* and EM. So much to process - I just wanted to acknowledge your help, it is invaluable to me.

[Jstar49]

Hi,

I think my reply got lost in transit...

It's a new day.

I completed some cards and chose one for my d. It's still waiting for words, but it's there. Amazing how tongue- tied I feel about words with her. Even simple words like, Love you!

Em how is it going with your d's? I've picked up bits and pieces from other threads- is communication with Alexa going ok?

Sounds like you're back at FT work now, thats gotta be busy. Hope the cars are sorting out...

Golden how are you lovely? Please know that you can share your thoughts here if you like. I'm interested with how it's going. Change is difficult, but the more we do something, the easier it gets, so there is that.

Perhaps the hardest thing is knowing which thoughts to trust, especially if w've been let down by our thoughts.

The work I'm doing atm re: setting intentions is begining to pay off. Even a simple thing like sharing a walk with my H. The same old argument started about why and where, and it got yucky. Then he said "why do you want me to come with you anyway" Well at first I said "I don't know!" becos I felt frustrated with the difficulty of it all.

Then I paused, and went back to him and said, 'becos it's in line with our values, to connect, and be together, walking and being healthier, and becos we said we would."

And it changed the energy entirely! He came, and T, and it was a lovely walk, really nice.

We're working slowly on the MH issue thats been raised. He doesn't want me to talk about it here, even tho I've told him it's completely anonymous. It's good to have a reason for all the stuff that's been tearing our marriage apart. Certainly not all ok, as he's not keen on getting help, but small steps.

I think my disappeared post had my comments about the 2nd chapter, writing a mission statement. Thats kinda where I'm at with the 7Habits.

Sorry, this post is a bit all over the place!

Cheers,

J*

[ecomama]

Hey J* - I think you're doing GREAT WORK in so many sectors of your life, you're very busy with it all GO YOU!

My only response on the forums before work lol.

Lots of things have come up in my communications with eldest d, but it's not the DEEP stuff to do with me that she's brought up... my C told me to tell her to talk with another C if it does! (omg I've never told her to lock it down with me and tell someone else but I will if needed). She continuing her Psych studies this year (2y Course then 1y Internship) + working FT + her kids 50% care.

Things are close again in a nutshell. I said something instinctively to her, the VERY first call she made to me when she was still angry (NO IDEA STILL what I did to spark this anger) & saw same thing echoed in Brene Brown from "The Call to Courage"..... said "no matter what, I LOVE YOU. YOU are the most important person in my life, along with the children. Keeping our relationship, KNOWING YOU and NURTURING YOU is the greatest privilege in my life. I want you to know how much I love you".

She brushed it off at the time.
Reflected then said it meant alot to hear that & she understands.

Then has been been surfing the net looking for a Counsellor.
The r/ship's back to GOOD. Praise God.

Youngest d is (omg) SOARING. She's exhausted then makes great choices. She's sharing SO MUCH for the very first time, listens to options given by me & others then makes a decision. Feeling like she's getting somewhere.
Seriously this is the BEST TOTAL 180 I've ever seen.
From being suicidal last year, literally only a few months ago, to taking the reins & moving with it. Issues with friendships and all. No psychs were available to see her.... we did this on our own, SHE did this 99.9% herself. (I'd had the talk with her that NOTHING & NO ONE is a 'real lifeline' to getting out of this suicidal thinking, grabbing EVERY THING she can from whatever she can are the many keys to changing her thoughts - she ran with it).

The cars? LOL, Alexa bought the most beautiful car & got it on Sunday, yay! We have p.son's car back so this means more sleep for me until he takes it down South. I won't have to do midnight pickups for that son after work & he does the most "closes" at work. He has a Managerial Interview this week, HOPE he gets it! Plus studying for Year 12.
He saved almost $4k. I said I'd match what he saves as a "loan" he has to pay back for a car.
He doesn't want a loan so is still saving & not looking atm.

Love EM

[Jstar49]

Thanks Em,

that means a lot, just to share and have validation that yes, I am doing well, better, things are changing, on the inside at least.
I feel like it’s a quiet time atm with school back and no work yet ... making the most of it. Getting sewing time, which has been productive. Upcycling mostly. Clearing clutter from sewing room so I can revamp storage. I keep so many bits and pieces cos I like the fabric and will do something with them ‘one day’ 😂

that’s so lovely to read all your positive news. I love what you said to Alexa. Very bold and beautiful! Encouraging that she brushed it off at the time, but later appreciated it. Love your instincts ecomama!

lthats great about your youngest d- wow such strength and wisdom to choose good stuff! She’ll be one to watch soar!

thanks for sharing about your beautiful family.
love J*

[ecomama]

Hey J*

I read that you posted the letter to eldest d today.

Well done you. You've done what you needed to do now. I know it's a sad time. Hugs.

A trip to NZ hey?
WHY NOT lol.

The NZers would REALLY appreciate some tourist dollars right about now!
I have family in NZ, they're all fine. Most of them retired and it's mostly THEM visiting our families in Aus.
Some never cross over unless it's for a Wedding or such.

Still it's a BEAUTIFUL Country and so many marvels to see!!

I LOVE their Dinosaur sized tree ferns and the way they protect their forests with timber walk ways.

Uluru is also a beautiful and mystical place to visit, especially nice in the Winter lol. Not sure which borders are open or which are closed atm. I don't keep up.

BF asked me to consider meeting in Fiji, I've given up trying to translate what has to happen to travel internationally, so I just said "Sure! You find out what we need to do and then we can plan"... it's best he finds out from ANOTHER source of information, not me, then he can't say that I'm stopping things.

Planning nice events is important.

Hugs to you and your beautiful family.

Love EM

[Matchy69]

Hi Jstar I just been thinking of you and hope you are doing ok.
I am feeling down myself my daughter turns 17 in two weeks and they planned a big party for her and of cause I am not invited.Makes me sad that I miss out on these events on my children's lives.I will celebrate it on another day at least she is talking to me and loves me.
Take care,
Mark.

[Jstar49]

Hi Mark,

oh no way! This is the d your supporting with everything isn’t it? And is it the ex who’s organising it? The same one you lent your car to, and was worrying about how to buy her a car?

id say an invite to your daughters party is the least anyone can do!

I always invited my ex to my eldest bdays, when we both lived in the same state. It was good for her, good for us. We always put aside any arguments and just made fun for her.
call it out I say! Bad behaviour!

thanks for asking, I’m feeling a bit better now. Just had a couple really sad days- the kind where you don’t sleep properly and just have no energy for anything. Leakage from the eyes constantly, all that. Hope tomorrow’s going to be better tho.
hope your tomorrow is going to be better too Mark.
Hugs

J*