My estranged daughter turns 21 today

[Jstar49]

Hi everyone, I'm completely new here so Hello and thanks for being here.

It's my eldest daughter's 21st birthday today and I'm feeling pretty emotional about it. She hasn't spoken to me in 4 years, and refuses to have any contact with me, my husband or our 10 yr old daughter. I was a single mum with her, stayed around her dad's town in order for her to have a relationship with him but finally left when she was 8, to return up north and be closer to family. That's a whole other story.

She was impacted by my PND, for sure, and things have always been intense between us. Chaotic too. Interesting, but not exactly stable. My marriage when she was 10 was the start of some kind of normal, and now I've never been so content or mentally/emotionally stable, even tho I still need to take care of myself, not get overwhelmed, and watch myself re: taking on others opinions/judgements.

I worry about her but I tell myself maybe it's for the best, maybe she just needs time and space to discover who she is, and learn to forgive the mistakes of the past and accept herself and myself for who we are.

It's hard tho. Today I just would love to see her, see her smile at me, hug her and tell her how proud of her I am. And hear whatever she has to say.

Anyhow, thanks for listening. I know there's others out there with similar stories. It seems like the world just needs a course in family harmony! It's so sad for the kids that get caught up in it.

Cheers,

Jstar

[Jstar49]

Hi Em,

Thankyou, yes I know you know..... It's good to not get in the habit of pat statements which can sound like it's all too easy. Just a snap of the fingers! And Mary Poppins can make all our problems go away!

Oh I wish!

I am in a quandary today. The end of the first chapter- be proactive, challenges me to id an issue in my personal or work life which is frustrating. Naturally my mind returns to my sis and my d, and I have been thinking about delivering bunches of flowers to the doorstep. Then so many choices- while they're maybe home, or not. Expensive flowers which I can't afford, or hand potted mint plants...... Flowers from my garden...?

Arghhh! Just the thoughts are murdering me! And then, will the result be, as in the past, that my equilibrium is destroyed ( already happening lol!)

I want to express love and support, but I don't want to rock my boat. Am I being brave and vulnerable? Or not learning from past behaviour....

And what is within my circle of influence...I'm working on the idea that my own attitudes, behaviours and actions are within my circle of influence. Their response is not. But does that mean I need to take action? Perhaps I can choose another frustrating thing instead!!!

Tbh my heart sank when i read the challenge. IDK.

Confused,

J*

[Jstar49]

Hi all,

I walked out my frustrations, and decided to skip an attempt to connect with my sis, even tho it's a difficult time of year for her, I just cannot do it to myself.

I'm planning a doorstep drop for my d when I get it ready, at an afternoon time when she mite be there, but I'm shelving this idea for now, as it upset me so much just thinking about it. I've realised how much I conflate the two situations- the one with my sis, and that with my d. So I hadn't really allowed myself to feel the grief bcos I packed it in the same box. So today I cried and let some out, and was kind to myself. A walk on the beach later def helped- returned lighter.

Cheers,

J*

[golden82]

Hi J*

Sounds like you ended up having a good day, necessary for your soul. I guess we can't really tell you what to do, but I would just be your authentic self and go with what you feel/come back to the most in your thoughts. I think a homemade potted plant sounds wonderful. Not that u need to give anyone anything, but if you feel you would like to then i think that is better than bought flowers. But that is me. Whatever you choose to do, you have our support here always J*. Best wishes, goodnight x

[Jstar49]

Thanks Goldie,

I appreciate you saying that. You are right. authentic.

I shall ruminate on that,

Cheers,

J*

[golden82]

**Trigger warning - childhood neglect and abuse**


Family of origin is Dad, Mum, brother. Parents divorced when 8yo. That night father blamed me for divorce and still does and for 'ruining family'. Brother went with Dad. I stayed with Mum for several years. But she was not there. Neglect - emotional abuse too. I recall maybe 5 times only she did something comforting like brush my hair; I remember I wanted those times. I was a latch key kid. Everyday was the same let self in 3.30pm to empty house, note on table of time she would be back (8pmish) and bags of junk food for me to eat. I sat in front of TV eating caramello bears out of a bag.. but knowing that it was not what I wanted - I wanted Mum home and warmth. I would walk in dark to train to meet her. We would walk back. She would spend nights on phone to her sisters/friends. Once a week she would go to art night and I would sit in the car alone. Spent some visits to Dads - abusive and he and my brother would mock weight gain. Moved to Dads. More abuse, teasing, would randomly leave me places - walk off/run off. Inc when I was 12yo left me in US theme park toilets (no mobiles then). Dad and brother found it amusing. I was scared and had to walk back to our motel they returned that night laughing. I was left in motel for everyday they went out. Nobody back in Aus knew. They just see that 2 lucky kids have Dad take them US. If only ppl saw the goings on behind closed doors. But I was blamed - made to feel I bad and so left in motel room. Physical abuse frequent from both and school got mandatory reporting involved. I denied it as not want Dad in trouble. I was 12-13. Kept on. School put me in student house 16yo. Not good - drugs etc (I never though). I was straight As - top of year with subject awards - going to be a Dr. Mum drove me to student house (rather than take in her daughter to the family home?). I knew no different back then. Blamed for everything. School/uni/work - physical abuse night of graduation - apparently I was now too big for boots. Locked out by Dad, not welcome at Mums she wrote me - slept car 6/52 (long time back now). Bought my flat. Shut out of family by brothers wife jealous/hatred of me. I thought all fine, was gonna be her bridesmaid. Blindsided - they had wedding without me - everyone but me. Found out 18mo later. She not want me there. So they all did in secret/lies - Mum lied to me too (that really hurts). Nephew born - again not told - shut out - not allowed meet. They get all paid for Dad, me not. I kicked out of my own family.

[golden82]

Hi J*, EM and all,

I know you have said I could share bits of my background here or on another thread. I have been reluctant - very private person and worried it might expose my family. But I have written it in such a way I hope is anon enough to protect them - I still have rose coloured glasses for them as you can see. I popped it on your thread J* - I am sorry not meaning to hijack your thread - just struggled for even posting it at all, let alone on a thread of my own. Feels a bit more anon/discreet here blending in I hope. It is just a very brief idea of things for you guys to maybe better understand me. I know you both and Blue and others are so open which I appreciate so very much.

[ecomama]

Hey J*

I can see you're having a difficult time and I get that.

Yes indeed the 7 Habits challenges us... that's the point of the whole concept - change for better outcomes.

Habit 1 "Be Proactive".. okay, I think you're being WAY to hard on yourself in a very emotional situation. It's very easy to project our hurt, anguish, frustrations on one relationship that is similar in it's nature to the other one ie sister daughter.

Btw you CAN move on reading regardless of whether you've step locked every single point in every single habit - just sayin'!

So as I know "Seek first to understand THEN be understood" is coming up...

Maybe all you need to do for your Habit 1 challenge is to POST a Card to your daughter and your sister. A simple hand made one, with a brief sentiment saying you're thinking of each of them.
Extended further if you feel up to any of this, with a message to your D that you are open to listening if she wants to share.

Reeling back alot, I think you are ALREADY BEING PROACTIVE in your personal and professional sectors of your life.
Personal sector....
Caring for our OWN MH can never be underestimated and you know this.
You ARE being proactive there in so many ways!
Acknowledging your feelings, coming onto BB, being in Counselling, WALKING ON THE BEACH... these are all very proactive J*.

Professional sector...
You have completed your study.
You've made your bag lol!
ALL PROACTIVE.
You are prepping yourself to step into this arena. See Brene Brown's "The Call to Courage" for more strength and understandings here.
NB: taking the leap INTO this arena is extremely important for you right now from where I stand.
You don't have to be 150% prepared, no way. The longer you wait, may give you longer to ruminate over what else needs to be prepped before you take the leap.
I find a sturdy professional life can bolster us in rational ways that perhaps other sectors can not provide. Gardening can! But it may not give us the independence of INCOME we also need.

From my perspective, you've ticked off Habit 1's challenge in both sectors.

You can move on to the next chapter now lol. When you get to the LAST chapter, it will show you that we do the Habits all over again, "Sharpening the saw" as it were.

HUGS. This time is difficult for you.

Love EM

[ecomama]

Dearest golden

I'm so sorry for your pain and loss over your family.

Can we scale way back and make sure you KNOW that your parent's divorce was NONE of your business nor doing?
How dare they, what an immature gall those ppl had blaming a child.

Absolutely ridiculous.

My parents did the same thing in increasing severity, blaming me.
I had a LIGHT BULB moment I remember well as a teen, on a train station seeing my dad.
I'd just left my mother's home when she said all this rubbish to me ie "you're just like your father" bs.

When I saw my dad, he couldn't look at me or touch me. Apparently I was "too much like" my mother.
LIGHT BULB.

I thought omg you 2 had sex and conceived me! I felt like sitting them down like 2 feuding toddlers and state the obvious.
This was NOT my fault!

Each of them saw the other in ME lol how ridiculous. Talk about projection J*.
I am and will always be a SEPARATE individual.

From then on that's exactly HOW I saw them.
Immature children in grown ups bodies.

I took the scapegoat thing... when I didn't know what it was.... the switched that OFF.

It happened again later when I went NC with mother... whole family denied me and my children any contact.

Scapegoat... yeah.... no.

Golden, I'm not sure if you've read the book "Illusions" by Richard Bach?
IT'S AMAZING.
I kept a copy in my hand bag for decades!

It has THE most beautiful message and story, and lots of very thought provoking Quotes (ignore this Blue lol).

He wrote other books with beautiful stories. I had them once upon a time way back.

Our back stories match up quite alot golden.

Please know that there IS hope for you to live a very fulfilling life, without the tangled enmeshment of your foo.
I only see some of your posts on some threads here, I can see a shift in you from here.

golden by name, golden by nature lol.

Love EM

[golden82]

Hi EM and thanks for your support,

No, I haven't read (not even heard of) the book by Bach - but have googled it now and will try get myself a copy. I am like Blue in that I am not keen on quotes - a few are okay, but they really have to resonate with me - otherwise I just think nice words with no substance. I know you really love your quotes though and that is great 🙂

You seem to be strong/rational like Blue in shaking it off and seeing the BS as on the perps and not you ie being able to separate it from yourself. I am not like that unfortunately. Although I have read all the material and watched the youtubes etc and it makes sense... in reality I am emotional mind which is what rules my head. So I am very much enmeshed as you put it. And believe what I have been told by them about myself (all the scapegoating of me). I find it hard to separate myself from it - I have grown up for at least 30 years being told/shown this about myself from my family that it will take a lot of unwinding. Even my writing here is ramble.

It is weird because I am a medical professional with very black/white, logical reasoning. But then when it comes to my own situation I can't seem to apply this thinking. I just revert to emotional. And turn it inwards with self hatred, and self blame the way I have been told/shown about myself. I think it is because in childhood and brainwashing and all that. Plus the abuse continues well into adulthood to now. And so such a long time of this message to me to unwind. And from family - parents - ppl you look up to and believe - well I did. And it is easier to believe their message that I am the problem - because then there is hope for us.. if only I am a better daughter, things will be ok. But time and time again nothing changes. Then I learnt of narcs/psychopaths - you have a bit of the wool taken off your eyes and they will not change - therefore there is no hope there. It is sad. Grief really.

It is so much worse than my brief egs in post - always behind closed doors - most perfect to the outside world. This also confuses/gaslights etc. An eg is Dad tells me to pass as more ppl happy than sad. And yet I still try to be a better daughter. They have brainwashed/scapegoated me good. Funny I called myself golden hey - re scapegoat child and golden child... of which I am definitely the scapegoat and my brother (& his wife) the 'golden'. But I am the one with the golden heart and soul, rather than their black ones. I know that much. X

[golden82]

Hi J* - I hope you are well and enjoying your weekend away 🙂 It is so hot here in Adelaide, I am sweating even in front of the fan!! It seems to be blowing hot air around and around.. I like a bit of heat but 41 degrees after a few hot days in an upstairs flat is too much! ps No more hijacking of your thread from me - 🙂 Thank you for letting me share your space x

& EM - I meant to say, I hope you are coping okay today with your grieving and remembering to practice your radical self care regardless. You may need it at times like this more than ever x