My estranged daughter turns 21 today

[Jstar49]

Hi everyone, I'm completely new here so Hello and thanks for being here.

It's my eldest daughter's 21st birthday today and I'm feeling pretty emotional about it. She hasn't spoken to me in 4 years, and refuses to have any contact with me, my husband or our 10 yr old daughter. I was a single mum with her, stayed around her dad's town in order for her to have a relationship with him but finally left when she was 8, to return up north and be closer to family. That's a whole other story.

She was impacted by my PND, for sure, and things have always been intense between us. Chaotic too. Interesting, but not exactly stable. My marriage when she was 10 was the start of some kind of normal, and now I've never been so content or mentally/emotionally stable, even tho I still need to take care of myself, not get overwhelmed, and watch myself re: taking on others opinions/judgements.

I worry about her but I tell myself maybe it's for the best, maybe she just needs time and space to discover who she is, and learn to forgive the mistakes of the past and accept herself and myself for who we are.

It's hard tho. Today I just would love to see her, see her smile at me, hug her and tell her how proud of her I am. And hear whatever she has to say.

Anyhow, thanks for listening. I know there's others out there with similar stories. It seems like the world just needs a course in family harmony! It's so sad for the kids that get caught up in it.

Cheers,

Jstar

[ecomama]

Hey J*

I found my Louise L. Hay book lol! Well one of them anyway!

I know you said I could ask you bec you had one.... Yep I was unpacking things (in the midst of reorganising etc) and said AHHH there it is.

Just wanted to pop in and let you know lol... I know you were waiting with baited breath over that! Hahaha.

How are you doing?

Love EM

[Jstar49]

Hey Em,

That's great! You'll be all set now 🙂

Today has been a good day. I spontaneously booked myself in for a drumming workshop. I think I busted a vein in my thumb, but I almost didn't feel it I was so buzzed! So I'm signing up for the term I think.

Interestingly, the teacher made this comment about the ability to keep a rhythm being linked to wellbeing, and the human experience, and so I just googled it and Yes! There is quite a lot of research that group drumming can help MH! How good is that!

It's such a good feeling when we were all in the groove, and just drumming, the echos bouncing off the walls and different 'riffs' being played around the circle now and then. Such a buzz!

I had some difficult moments at odd times today when I thought of how malevolent my sister was to me at Christmas. And seriously, how cold it is to have blocked me, for no reason. It makes it look like we had an argument, rather than the last time I saw her she had given me a hug and been all nicey nicey. 8 months ago!

Biatch! It makes me sooo mad!

Then I reminded myself that it's not something I can do anything about. Unless I decide that I can front up at her doorstep one more time, and tell her honestly that I love her and I'd like us to be on better terms. Not sure i can do that honestly atm so I guess that solves that for now!

I watched Brene Brown! Call to Courage- netflix.

COOL! Very awesome lady. Tells so many stories doesn't she.

I've been sharing the 1st habit with H. He's starting to get it. It 's beginning to help some deep seated issues of his be dealt with differently. So positive.

That reminds me what Brene Brown says about joy, and how we fear it. Soo true! I get nervous that's for sure. I feel myself tensing up, waiting for the next low. So I'm already dreading when he stops listening to me again. It's been a good day, and I'm already expecting a bad one........Hmmm.

Got some work done on my bag today too. Happy dance!

I'm gona pop in on your thread and see how you're going darling Em 💚

Cheers,

J*

[ecomama]

OH WOW! YES! Drumming!

My family have been into drumming on traditionally crafted drums for ages now. Some kids made their own at a workshop too... so cool.
We have a really awesome Community run Drumming Circle nearby, they have so much social stuff going on... really nice people too.

AWESOME!

Hmmm just thinking about H... okay.

Omg yes! Brene Brown.... awww isn't she wonderful?
I can almost repeat her Call to Courage word for word when I play it now.
LOVE HER. (work) I guess I should say lol.
What a gift to humankind!

Her books are much more dense...but reading them is like unravelling a world not yet seen... using parallels in stories which I'm in awe of.

Fortunately I have an American fiancee lol who HELPS me with his version of the back story of her stories. I've had to research so many of her stories bec I think she assumes her audience is mainly American lol OR just knows this U.S. history.... which we DON'T.

Highly intellectual books.

And so is the 7 Habits.
HUGE stuff in there.

Since my eldest was 4yo we created a "Family Mission Statement" lol... so funny doing it with toddlers as a single parent! Like:
CHILD - "I wanna put don't take my toys! So NO STEALING!"

ME - ummmm "we ask before we borrow other's belongings" ???

What a riot!

Still I'm 100% sure that Covey Climate of respect travelled osmotically into my younger children from the older ones.

Habit 1 "Be proactive" hey?

Honestly I think if we put 10% of what Covey espouses into action then our lives will dramatically improve. Therefore if H ONLY takes in and practices 10% then things should be more pleasant.

I also understand there's alot to be said about "modelling" instead of "telling".
Then this shoulder to shoulder mentoring kind of thing cuts in.
Similar to that Quote ending in "INVOLVE me and I will learn".

It's pretty exciting when we find something that reverberates in our souls.... like a TRUTH that clicks with us. Almost like Ancient Wisdom being awakened.

Drumming, Brene Brown, Stephen Covey.... pretty powerful combination lol.

Love EM

[Jstar49]

Hi Em,

I know right? Things are really moving. I woke up sad, and found myself in such a blue mood.....30 min of sitting with it and realising an "If only" thought (if only I was loved as a child), then meditating on that led me to the connection between me forgiving myself for my actions as a parent, forgiving mum and glimpsing compassion for her, and how that may somehow on a universal level release my daughter's forgiveness and compassion for me. It's intense just how quickly it's all changing. I am not seeing other ppl as responsible for my unhappiness now. Previously if I experienced that depressed feeling, I would be powerless, stuck. Now I have tools at my disposal. I have this little thought that says, hang on, I am responsible for my own happiness, so what's going on here.....

H....H is hard work! And much of what I'm sharing with him is the learning as I'm learning, and my own breakthru's in changed thinking, and then he's connecting it wholly and heartily to his own situation. But....his habits are so ingrained, and he hasn't ever done any self help work or meditation or anything. So, one day after breakthru moment, he's back in the old loop of hating some one for their perceived actions, and saying yes, I'll talk to him about it, one day. So back to reminding him, hang on, being proactive means, taking action. In your circle of influence. If you dont take action, then it won't be in your circle of influence and you'll be stuck in the other circle, feeling powerless. (This stuff has had a huge impact on our marriage, and it's almost daily that the anger and resentment twds someone will crop up.)

But yeah, It's a long road so I need to find a way to disengage a bit.

I'm fighting for my marriage here. It's easy to care too much! Or switch off and give up.

We are a pretty typical traditional couple- I do the caring work and he goes to work! It's always gona be me leading him, I guess I need to practice patience.

Oh Em, I still do feel so sad! Disconnected from family, alone in my marriage. Scared of a future which i cannot envisage, I'm just not sure what it will look like. Work, relationships. I'm scared of losing more. Scared of feeling Joy!

I don't have anyone else I can share this stuff with, just you guys.

So grateful for you guys!

Thankyou!

Love

J*

[ecomama]

Dearest J*, I'm so grateful for you all too. I really am.

Please don't think you're going to lose any more.

Just because YOU are going through a rough time (with seemingly only the BB support, IDK?) and you're grieving things from your childhood and things now...

You're in the beginnings of transcending these feelings.

H doesn't "have to do" anything differently! It's not about changing HIM.
He doesn't have to meditate bec you do, or do anything you're doing.

Ofcourse it'd be wonderful if he listened and showed he cared.... I think some men DO do this in the ways they provide for the family.

We're all different J*, he can't be you. He can't travel the same journey you're on.

This is YOUR journey but he can be standing with you shoulder to shoulder throughout this time if you can keep the connections going. Him too ofcourse.

Please don't take your ENTIRE FUTURE on in one morning lol... it will unfold as it does.

I think you feel sad because you're grieving. You've realised alot about your childhood and when that happens, we can feel VERY grief stricken. The current situation with your eldest d is another grief situation. So double the impact atm.

Perhaps you can know that our parents DID and DO love you... as much as their capacity to show you was and is.

Yeah don't like the "we are responsible for our own happiness" in a nutshell comment lol.. so many ppl can make other's lives really crappy so yeah... we're not all transcendental beings lol.

My friends told me a long time ago that "detachment" is a Virtue.
Also when we're pointing the finger at others there are 3 fingers pointing back at us.
Detachment involves releasing the need to control others.

Understanding that we CAN'T control others, even through our hopes of a better relationship with them, is a pretty confronting concept.

My psych friend also told me years ago that all the women she saw who were in a journey of personal growth, had major issues with their marriages, and often left them.

I don't think this needs to happen at all, she was struggling with this never been married herself.. she thought they should, I think it's a personal choice, not a necessity.

Just hold yourself, your own ship, steady. There's a bit of a swell occurring now. A shift.

Calm seas ahead, maybe even in your garden.

Love EM

[Jstar49]

Hi em,

I liked your nautical references. Reminds me of Mary Poppins. Rough seas ahead! Steady as she goes!

Yes indeed.

I was feeling a bit overwhelmed this morning.

It's not that I need H to meditate, or to be the same as me. Some capacity for self growth, self reflection, would be lovely. It's so important who we surround ourselves with, especially if our MH isn't great, and I've recognised that he is such a downer to be with. I mean, I always knew it, in a sense, but accepted it. Now perhaps it's as you say, I'm one of those women in a period of change and growth, and if he doesn't join me, then we will possibly part ways. There's lots of other stuff there that I probably don't need to talk about.

We see our counsellors this week. Thats the only MH support I have atm. And it's very good.

My comment about being responsible for my own happiness is very much in the moment. And I'm sorry, I absolutely do acknowledge the impact that others have on us, and on our well being and happiness long after they have left our lives. I do apologise Em, because that statement is kinda like saying 'just get over it' to myself, (and for others) and thats not what I mean. For me it's more about separating the past from the now. Drawing a line in the sand that says, my beliefs about myself, and the importance you (others) have had in those beliefs, is totally misplaced. I have trusted in others judgement, and let that rock my boat.

I have believed i was unworthy because others said so. That doesn't make it true.

So yes, I can see that I am grieving, very much so. But also, it's a comfortable place to be, feeling sorry for myself and blaming the now on the past. So maybe I do need to be a bit tough on myself.

Cos I suddenly feel like life is too short to spend my life crying over other ppl's bad behaviour! I have been crying for a long time, I'm impatient to be done! Oh LOL! Thats it really, I just want to be done with this. I want to be the new me, whatever that is.

Du know I hate journey's? I find them uncomfortable and tedious. I like stopping and getting out, but not travelling.

You don't get there unless you take the journey tho, and if you sleep through it, you miss so much beautiful stuff.

Cheers, and thankyou lovely Em,

J*

[golden82]

hi J* and all,

Sorry to read you are feeling sad J* I wish I could be a help on here but, I am always very low, but since Friday seem to have slipped even lower (didn't think it was possible). eg haven't even brushed teeth - I will go stand at the sink, pick up toothpaste and think what's the point - and put it back down and go back to bed. I had a GP apt today - made it a phone as I still couldn't leave the house and face the world. I told her all this and begged for help. Don't know what I thought she might help?? I have seen her for 2 yrs as my GP but in all this time she has left me high and dry without a MH professional. I would have phoned over 100 psych/t early last yr just as Covid starting to try get one - to no avail, it was bad timing I guess with lockdowns and more ppl needing help. She never has a team or collaborates or anything. It is up to me. Then, when she asks how I am and I say bad and try to express what bad is - she says oh you are having a tough day...omg I feel she has no idea - and I tell her, this is everyday. So today's phone call with her really confirmed to me I need to find another GP. The psych I was going to be seeing in the practice only works 2 half days and I can only see her every few months. Nowhere near enough for trauma and grief processing. In fact I find it makes things worse with the stop-start as you open up the worms only to have them eat away at your mind for that remaining 2-3 months. It is not adequate. I voiced this to my GP and she said, oh well we have to be fair to everyone. I said I disagree - I think some of us need more frequent apts due to trauma, compared with someone with a better state of mental health. I know 10yrs ago I would have been okay with every few months (I didn't have any MH support back then though). But now that the abuse longer and worse and I am learning and having to face it and crumbling because of this I need more frequent support. It is just a job to them. I am almost done with it all. I know I need a new GP - not that I hold much hope - but surely they would have to be better than her. And re psych...I am almost at the point of giving up on it. I have a 40 session care plan for anorexia - that is going to waste because psych every few months equals 4 sessions used, When I could have been having near weekly. When they/media and politics say there is help out there - not true in my experience. It is so demoralizing. I get more out of these threads - I am glad you all do too x

[ecomama]

Hey J* , thankyou for your lovely reply.

I do understand your statement about being responsible for our own happiness... I think I wanted to reiterate that it's ok to recognise where ppl have done harm to us, acknowledge that harm / those feelings / our reactions, and find a way to get help AND indeed help ourselves. The latter is first and underpins all IME.

In moving from very heavy depression for 10+y, I "recovered" from that a long while back.
Then in dealing with the POST trauma period... even with triggers of those traumas all around...

I've learnt that it's on US 99.9% to heal ourselves.

NO ONE else (and I mean NO ONE person) can heal our MH.

We can get snippets of help from this person or that person but it's like leading a horse to water... if it doesn't DRINK then there's no use in the water being there.

This sounds harsh but it's true in it's reality.
Take for eg even those with a good GP, psychiatrist, psychologist, Counsellor... anything and everything available... there's zero guarantee that person will heal.

Because it is up to THEM to want to heal with all of their might.

We have to WANT Mental HEALTH like an athlete wants an Olympic Gold Medal.

I think striving for MH IS an endurance journey!
It's not a race.

And ofcourse LIFE is a journey.

Since I said this all and more in a kind way to Yvette, she has decided to be THE CAPTAIN of her own ship. To take charge. Make the decisions necessary to BE okay.

She suffered years of SA and in no way would I ever deny that, EVER excuse it or ignore it... but her choice is whether to continue to let the abuser control her life OR make her OWN choices and EMBRACE her ultimate freedom.

Thank God she chose the latter.

I know that living our best life is the best revenge... but I like to take out the revenge part now lol.
Even thinking about revenge is tying myself to the abusers.

Living my BEST LIFE BECAUSE I CAN. Amen.

Love EM

[ecomama]

Darling golden

THIS isn't YOU.

This is not who YOU ARE in the true most beautiful essence of your self.

ABSOLUTELY get a new GP!
I second that whole heartedly.

I understand the struggle of seeking MH support, I really do. Out of hundreds of Child SA Counsellors and all of Yvette's dangerous manifestations bec of it... all their books were full last year.

For a while I had so much anxiety over this!

Then I kept phoning Helpline trauma psychs... I kept notes lol!

The overwhelming message was "radical self-care". RADICAL!!!

I knew it was up to US. Up to HER.

Golden you are WORTHY of love and support!
We LOVE and SUPPORT you!

You love yourself enough to be here!

So why not go the whole hog and just brush your teeth.

The long and the short of it is no one will or CAN care about you as much as YOU can care for yourself.

I invite you to start a thread on grief / trauma and ask for help here...

If that's the ONLY thing you can do (and it's not quite the only thing) then it would be so worthwhile for you and others to start that grief and trauma support group on BB.

You can sit around for the next 10y as you are.

Or you can make the change today.

It's completely up to you.

Lots of love EMxxxx

[Jstar49]

Hi Golden,

I am so sorry to read of how difficult it is for you atm, and absolutely support you in seeking better support. So many ppl with MH issues tell of trying several different GPs and psychs until they find someone who works.

Also, is there a support group you could attend?

Please don't give up, you can do this. You have come this far, and are actively seeking help, so hang in there.

I love what Em has said about caring for yourself. You deserve this. Do you like having furry teeth? It comes down to you.

The sad truth is many ppl attribute worth because of how we see oursevelves. Yes, you need help atm, thats ok. it doesn't make you any less of a person. You are still the beautiful Golden we are getting to know, and I applaud your courage and resilience in coming on here and getting the assistance and support you need. None of us can do it alone.

As Em says, it is up to us, in the end. The more we are able to put into practice what helps us to live a better life, then the better life gets, and the more good stuff we can do.

Today cleaning your teeth, tomorrow the world! Lol. Love 🧡

Perhaps you can encourage yourself with something stuck to your mirror. Or written ON the mirror! Find a quote which resonates;

"Love yourself first, because that's who you'll be spending the rest of your life with"

A quick google search brings up lots to choose from.

Surround yourself with motivating pictures and colours. Red is action, blue is calming. The scent of Lavender is calming, soothing and antiseptic, Rosemary is enlivening and awakening, so don't use it before trying to sleep lol! Rosemary for remembrance...

How are you going with getting out of the house? Are you able to start any gentle exercise? Exercise of any kind is so helpful in recovering from trauma, and plays a part in repairing the nervous system. Mindfulness- paying attention to moments, such as smelling the apple and admiring its size and shape and being, before eating it, slowly and mindfully.

Maybe if you can walk to a nearby park, then sit and absorb the sounds and smells and sights..... Rest, eat an apple, and then return gently home.

What you have been through, and what you are recovering from, is not easy. I know that. I also know how hard it is to take those steps, to the bathroom, and out the door into the sunshine.

We are all here with you, cheering you on.

Love

J*