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My depression catalysed the relationship breakdown

Community Member

My boyfriend broke up with me last weekend because he felt choked by my depression/anxiety and the thought of us going out in public together gave him anxiety. He said we both needed space to recover from the damage my problems did to us both. It really hurts to have the blame for this placed solely with me.

What are my problems? There are quite a few and I won't recount them here. Imaging a series of unfortunate events spanning nine years of your life and you'll get an idea. My depression and anxiety, my monster, grew within me during those years. I reluctantly tried antidepressants this year and, as I thought, finding the right one was an awful experience. My boyfriend took a break from me during a couple of the trials, which only made my mental state worse. I should have left him then.

I did find a medication that helped! I was getting better – but not enough to keep him around. Since he ended it I've been angry, depressed and listless. People keep saying I'll be better off without him in the long run... I want to believe them but I can't see myself as worthy of love or affection because of this monster within me.

6 Replies 6

Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member
Hi Platinum, welcome to the forums. It is hard when someone places the blame on you when you are going through a hard time. I know depression and anxiety is such a difficult thing to go through, but please know you are absolutely deserving of love and kindness and all those wonderful things. You will get through this. It's wonderful you have found an antidepressant that works with you, are you currently talking through your problems with an objective source such as a psychologist? Maybe some time away from your partner is exactly what you need to work on yourself and really focus on yourself over the next few weeks. Please let me know how everything goes.

Community Member

Hi Platinum,

Don't feel bad about yourself and don't blame you for your bf leaving you. It is not your fault that you have depression and anxiety those things can happen to anyone. I myself suffer from PND and there are times where i think it could be best for me to leave my husband because he doesn't give me the support i need sometime but my husband have accepted me the way i am and I'm slowly accepting that my husband isnt the show type of guy and he support me in other way.

if your bf couldn't see the real you hiding behind this darkness then he didn't really deserve you. It is better for you to get back on your feet and focus on getting better and i'm sure the right man who will accept you the way your are and will support you will come and find you.

sending hugs and positive energy xx

Community Member

Hi Platinum. I was in a similar situation to you. Your pain and frustration is totally valid. When one of my ex partners broke up with me almost a yr ago, her personality switched almost overnight about became spiteful and cruel. She tried to lay all of the blame for the relationship ending at my feet. I could be wrong but "gaslighting" might be kind of relevant.

I was devastated of course and for awhile still wanted her back even with the mistreatment. But as that continued and I thought abut it more, I got angry. It made moving on from her "easier". It takes TWO people to make a relationship and I'm sure he's had his share of failings and things that could have been done better. It can't be just you.

I did own up to my share of the blame in my relationship break down and apologised profusely. It took for it to be "Too late" for me to finally wake up to things I wasn't doing good enough, taking her for granted, not showing enough affection regularly, etc. That did cause me to beat myself up for a little while. But when she kept on with it, never expressing sadness at the end or saying "I'm sorry" or even really showing concern, I had to stand up for myself...and also sever ties.

It's an awful situation to be in but it's not fair to shoulder everything yourself. We all make mistakes or our illnesses can provide some difficulties but it's not all one sided.

Thank you everyone for your kind words and support. It's sad to hear this happens to others... Sending you cyber-hugs. Though I'm glad to hear that there are people out there who can accept people like me and you for who we are. It's encouraging 🙂

Right now I'm spending more time and energy on me - selfish but so worth it!

I'll probably be wiser after this going into future relationships. That is, I'll know what I need and if I'm likely to receive it.

Community Member

It's been around a month since it ended. There has been little contact, thankfully, and my friends have been amazing with their support. My psych is encouraging me to spend time mourning the relationship and putting the energy I would have spent on it into me. I must say I feel better for being able to do more of what I want and enjoy but I can't shake that feeling of loneliness.

It's the comfort I'm missing. And Christmas and NYE are coming up and I wish I had someone there for me... but I don't. I wish I could go back...

Platinum, I know the feeling. In my case the roles are reverse with my long term partner leaving me due to his own mental illness denial. Although I actually instigated it by communicating the issues we were having. He's treated me quite badly for a while now, but 2 months on I'm still struggling with the loneliness and comfort. We were together over a decade and lives completely entwined.

I too am worried about the holiday season and what emotions it will bring. I know I am going to be relying on family and friends through this time and would encourage you to do the same. I often have the same thought of I wish I could go back... back to when this pain and longing wasn't around but we deserve to be treated better and be loved for who we are, them as well.