My Boyfriend Ignores me, has depression, it's killing me too it seems, help me!

[LostIndependent3]

Hello,

3 months ago I met my first boyfriend, we are in a LDR for the time being, we are both guys, we share many common insecurities and mental health problems that we both use to find comfort in confiding in each other for, we have been very much in love.

I have been very miserable. I couldn't even do my routine this week, I just sit in my room all day, feeling angry, confused, sad, depressed. For the both of us this is our very first relationship (we are 18), I live in Australia, he lives in the USA. However we use to talk about plans of moving to Europe together next year. 

His parents have picked up on how bad his situation is and are admitting him into an intensive depression rehabilitation facility. This is a 3-6 month 24/7 therapy which I am hoping will bring him back to his real self. It has been only just a mere several weeks and it feels like years that i have lost him for. This could be a hell of a painful 3-6 months, I just don't know how I can get through it?

Yesterday I asked him to message me this morning, he didn't even do that. Apart of me tells me to just suck it up, and wait it out for him to get the intensive rehab he needs. The other part of me is saying to just let him go for my own health. But for the majority of it, something is telling me that I need to give him the space he needs, and let him come to me in however many months it takes for him to recover.

But I am scared of how I can handle waiting months for something that might not come of it?I managed to get him to talk to me for a mere 30 minutes the other night, for the first time in weeks. When I asked him how he really feels about me, he said this: "I love you with all that I am. I'd die for you. I just want to kiss you and hug you and explore with you and make love with you and enjoy life with you and ultimately live with you."

 There is got to be a lot of times when I am talking to the depression, and times where he just opens himself enough to let his real self talk. I really am just trying to understand what to do. I love him so much and don't want to leave him. But for my own mental state, what is the best decision? I cant exactly tell him he needs to talk to me more, even though I'd kill for him to just communicate with me, because that wont change anything. I want nothing more then for him to recover, so I can buy us plane tickets to travel in another country alone together and live happily. 

[white knight]

Hi Lostindependent3, welcome here.

I'm no good at shorthand so I don't know what LDR is. But anyway.

Even couples without any mental illness at all have fluid relationships due to moods and such, created by the stresses of life, the workloads, the weather, financial pressure and the like. So with your situation this fluidity would be present but more so. This presents a few problems in that your ages are working against you. As much as you love each other 2x 18 year olds the forces of general life can mean that long term success with your lives together is low.

What are the factors that give me this view? Well we are only talking age (maturity) so the factors effecting this are- impatience, over reaction, careers, family pressures, workplace locations, country or origin (in your case), infidelity. Listening to this might be hard but, the facts are clear that two young 18yo's would be more vulnerable to these aspects than say a couple in their 40's.

That doesn't mean it cant be tried. In fact I'd like to see you and your partner try. You may need guidance in the form of counselling when any one of the above stresses present themselves. Sometimes the obvious (in terms of answers to a dispute) are not seen as clear as when they come about in older people, so a third party could a be a welcomed move when you both see positive results. Effectively I'm saying you need to both be wise and wisdom at your age is in its infancy.

Your partner said some beautiful words to you, words that....well I would not ignore...in fact I'd cradle that close to my heart and print it and frame it. Hang it on a wall. You certainly need patience. So what can you do about that?

Well, patience is not available in supermarkets. I needed lots when I was young. In fact when I reached 43yo I thought I had ADHD and got treatment. It was mania I had. Impatience is within you and hard to curb. However mind diversion like hobbies, sports, friends chatting etc (read busy busy busy) will help. When you are down and thinking about him you will need to master the change of mind direction technique...basically short circuiting your sadness to force a mood change.

Important- anything that occurs that you have no power to change is not worth your mind time, if you keep stewing over things it means worrying and worry produces nothing but negativity.

Time is your final clarifier. If in doubt, wait, keep busy and wait. All this will make you wiser.

Good luck     Tony WK

[geoff]

dear LostIndependent, hi and welcome to the forum, however living in a LDR (long distance relationship) has it's good points, but also has it's bad points.

When you are too far away from the person you love and a situation like what you are experiencing now, makes it worse especially when you can't go and see them, and you so urgently want to talk to them, so your anxiety increases.

It even makes it more difficult when your b/friend says what he said to you, because it then wants you even more to be with him.

Maybe he is feeling exactly the same as you feel, and this has caused his depression, I don't know, but I'm sure that it would be huge factor in how he feels.

Is there any possibility that you can buy tickets and go and see him and then stay over there in USA, but this would depend on many circumstances, like your job, if you do have one, whether you rent a flat and when the lease runs out.

Can I suggest that he will probably make comments that are not coming from him, but his depression is making him say these, and also that there maybe restrictions on when he is allowed to either phone you or use his mobile, as I know that any mobile phones have to be handed in when you arrive at rehab. Geoff.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi LostIndependent3,

Welcome to BeyondBlue and thanks for reaching out.

I'm sorry that this is happened.  Long distance relationships alone are tough so I really feel for you with your boyfriend getting help.

It looks from your post as though the question is: "I don't want to leave him but what's the best decision?"

My opinion is that if you don't want to leave him, don't.  Even though the timing and everything that happened is not great, you can use this time for yourself.  You mentioned that you had some mental health problems as well - maybe this can be a good time for you both to work on yourselves first before investing in each other as a relationship.

I know that it sucks, but I've also seen a lot of relationships where people have gotten together and then their mental health issues have pulled them apart - where as this way you're using them to pull you both together. If you guys are strong enough to handle this, you can handle anything.

Take it one day at a time (cliche but it works), put yourself first and take care of you.

and fingers crossed that you can get your hands on a plane ticket ASAP.

Take care,