My boyfriend has a sexual fantasy that's causing stress to our relationship

[haylesmason]

Hi everyone....I've never posted before but here goes.

So basically my partner who is...let's say...roughly 15 years older than me (I'm early 20's) has a sexual fantasy.

I've tried it before about a year ago but after a bad experience which turned me off it we haven't done it since.

He goes through phases of talking about it a lot, messaging me about it, asking me when I'll do it, will I ever do it again, how would I like it?

Then he goes through a phase of him saying he knows it's not healthy etc etc and keeping it to himself.

But the problem is.. when he keeps it to himself he gets extremely stressed and on edge. Basically not my happy man anymore.

Recently he told me he's thinking of seeing a counsellor, and I suggested a sex psychologist but I don't know if this will help.

Any ideas or advise would be helpful. I don't really know what answers I'm after but I just don't know how to process all this because it stresses me out.

If I told him flat out no, it'll never happen again - I think he would get really depressed/sad/less sexual/more withdrawn.

[Quercus]

Hi Haylesmanson,

Welcome to the forums (and well done keeping a tricky subject very delicately written).

First off. The texts and questions and pressure he's putting on you. That's not ok. I had an ex a long time ago who was similiar. Gentle pressure. Subtle encouragement. All about what his needs were. I really do feel like you need to sit your partner down and say this is not on.

There is a very fine line between consensual sex and being pressured into doing something you are uncomfortable with.

I don't agree with a sex therapist personally but I am very biased here. My ex was friends with a sex therapist and the constant discussion of fantasy and sex made him if anything more forceful. Maybe your partner is different. But please be careful to find a therapist with a focus on healthy consent.

I am aware I'm very biased on this topic but I do feel very strongly that within relationships the incidence of non consensual sex is significantly unreported.

My suggestion (and this might sound highly offensive) see if he is willing to reverse the fantasy. For example if he is set on dominating you. Let him explain exactly what he wants to do and he can try it first. It's funny how things can seem so sexy and exciting if you have no appreciation for how something may feel.

If he is willing to do this for you he will learn the best way to keep you safe and protected. What pace to set so that you aren't hurt or afraid. And most importantly the potential of harm (physical and mental) you experience with an uncaring partner.

If he is willing to try he is more trustworthy in my view because he does actually care about your experience and feelings and wants to know how to care for you. If he is repulsed or angry I'd be having a good think about whether you are safe to experiment with him.

Caught up in the moment it is important that you know he will stop if you ask or are in pain. The humiliation and guilt and shame associated with rape is not something I would wish on another especially the fact that the stigmas associated with sexual experimentation often means we are far too afraid or ashamed to speak up even to friends or family or a medical professional.

I hope your partner is trustworthy. And moreso that you realise you are worthwhile and allowed to have boundaries. If he cannot respect those and find alternative ways to fulfill that desire with you, move on he doesn't deserve you.

Nat

[Croix]

Dear Haylesmason~

I think Nat has the right of it talking about the boundaries you need and to expect care from one's partner.

In many ways modern society tends to breed fantasies and unrealistic expectations. Such things can devalue human relationships. I'm not sure if a lot of fantasies can be acted upon with real people, also if the fantasy becomes too important the real person is disregarded.

From my point of view in a loving relationship sight of the other person is never lost.

I can only put myself in your position and say that whilst I would very much want my partner to have a fulfilling life I would expect that person to have my well being uppermost in their mind all the time. While in all walks of life there is some give and take I'd expect if I let my partner know something was unpleasant or distressing I'd be seriously hurt if they still entertained the idea of going on with it.

If it was me I'd tell the truth and simply say that activity was not going to happen. Yes I realize this may have the effects you describe on your partner however he should be aware of the situation so that he can take steps to come to terms with it.

A ordinary councilor I would imagine would be the best person to reinforce for him what is realistic, and how to deal with unrealistic thoughts.

Please feel free to talk here as much as you would like, it is a difficult subject.

Croix