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My boyfriend doesn't think I love him because I don't have a sex drive :(

Lene
Community Member
How do I explain to my boyfriend that I don't have a sex drive due to my anxiety and depression , it's really getting to him as for him that's a away of feeling loved, I do feel bad about it but I don't want to have sex if I don't feel like it . He feels like he's not attractive enough for me but it's not the case it's nothing to do with him I just don't feel like having sex 😞 I don't know what to do or how do I even try to make him understand, I don't want to break up with him he is a good boyfriend. I wish I wasn't like this I use to have sex with him a lot I loved it just as much as he does 😞 I don't know what to do I even have dreams that he will sleep with other girls 😞
6 Replies 6

romantic_thi3f
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi Lene,

Thanks for your post.

I'm sorry that you're in this situation and sounds like both you and your boyfriend are finding it hard. Differences between sex drives can be really hard on a relationship so I'm glad you brought it up.

First off can I ask what you guys have talked about? It would help me to understand how the conversations have gone so far and what he knows/thinks/believes already. What happens if he initiates it? Do you say no; has he indicated or shown you how much this is affecting him?

I think understanding is key. Often when we think about sex drive we think about desire as well; i.e. you're sexy so I want to have sex with you; but in reality there's so many different things that can put on the brakes that are not in conscious control. None of that is anybody's fault.

Try to keep in mind that this can happen with any relationship - and it does; sex drives in relationships aren't always equal, and it is very rarely a deal-breaker. Remember that this is temporary too; I'm sure that once things change with your mood they'll change your desire too. I think knowing how he feels can help and being able to talk to him about it so that a) he can feel reassured that it's not personal and not feel rejected and b) you can feel reassured that he's still committed to you even if you can't meet his sexual needs right now.

White_Rose
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Lene

I think in many ways you may be as frustrated as your BF. You say you both had a good sexual relationship until recently. Because of this your BF expects it will continue and that's probably reasonable. Reasonable that is until you discover it is not what you want at the moment. In principle I think both people should agree about sexual activities but where one partner does not want this the other needs to back off.

You are afraid he will leave you over this matter and because you care for him you want him to stay. Fair enough.

Have you talked to your GP about this? Or perhaps another mental health professional? Are you taking medication which has the effect of slowing down you sexual activity? These are avenues to explore rather than one partner being demanding and the other refusing. Neither attitude will make for a good and strong relationship. I suspect that unless this is sorted out with a satisfactory conclusion for both of you it will mean the end of your relationship. Please don't read this as telling you to do anything you don't want to do.

Talk to your doctor as a first step and tell your BF you are doing this. If he knows you are trying to be the partner you were once, he may feel better about waiting for a while.

I hope you sort this out soon. Please continue to write in and tell how you are going.

Mary

kanga_brumby
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi Lene, I was in a similar situation to yourself. Except it was my GF that wanted more than I could. She wanted it several times a week. Because of the situation I couldn't because it was up to me to cook, clean house, shopping, all the duties of a house husband. Plus we had children so I was caring for the children. Then there is medications that lower your libido as well, age can lower it.

I would sit down down with him and have a heart to heart, telling him it's not him it's you. You still love him and want him. Have a chat with your GP, they might be able to help. Also there are sex therapists out there who may be able to assist you.

Kanga

RusselB
Community Member
I am a man that has had a high sex drive my whole life. Am not sure how your boyfriends drive is, but with mine, there was no option any way whatsoever, that i could go without sex. It was a physical impossibility to go for more than say 4 days without, when i was younger. It is much better as i have aged but still a problem as my wife's libido is low. Coming from my side, i recently watched a video on you tube that was made a by a lady giving a talk, & basically she said: "If you are not making love to him, someone else will be soon enough." In my case, that is what happened. so if you think that that may happen sooner or later, what would you typically do? The video also touched on the fact that many woman don't feel like sex, but then often admitted that they enjoyed it once it started - also something to ponder as options.

Quercus
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hi Lene,

Welcome to the forums and good on you for reaching out for support especially on such a personal issue.

I'd say my love language would be similar to your partner. My husband can say whatever he likes to reassure me but if he isn't giving me the amount of physical touch I need I feel rejected. Our drives are reasonably similar.

We talked a long time ago and decided to make intimacy the default most days because that works well for us. So unless either of us feels absolutely rubbish or we have work or an outing there is that expectation.

That said... I've been where you are on meds that felt like they killed my drive. We weighed up the pros and cons of that medication and I went onto another which doesn't affect me like that. You really do need to sit him down and gave that conversation honestly. What does he expect? What is the norm for you both? Can he cope with this short term? What will he need to be able to deal with this long term?

For me shirt term there was an element of just keep to what makes him happy. It sucked so I was relieved to get off that medication. But we had a plan for long term too if changing the meds wasn't an option.

First of all intimacy doesn't have to be sex. I'm sure you get the point. Plenty of things to keep him happy if you're just not into it. Second we got a few toys for me (meds made it almost impossible for me to enjoy sex) so he had to up his game a bit for a while.

It took a while to work out something that was acceptable for us both but the most important part was being honest and open about our needs. I'm happy it wasn't long term though (seriously ask your GP to review your meds) but relieved that we have something that works if in the future this problem returns.

Hope you keep talking Lene 😊

FlipOut
Community Member

Hi Lane,

I understand exactly what you are going through, as I'm experiencing it myself at the moment. It's killing me to see my boyfriend becoming upset and depressed because he isn't coping well with my lack of libido. Reading through the other replies to your post have been very helpful to me, and I'm thankful I stumbled across your post.

I agree completely with the others that it's important to talk to your boyfriend, aswell as your GP. I'm currently taking the steps I need to in order to rectify my situation, my boyfriend does also need to agree to talk to someone. He is allowing his past experiences to affect the situation more than they should, causing us both distress.

I hope that by now, your situation has change for the better with your boyfriend. As I know things will get with mine because I'm trying to make them better.