my boyfriend and best friend are close to someone who really hurt me

[bubblegum5671]

i used to be best friends with someone, then they all of a sudden stopped talking to me. i went to them and asked what was going on, but they said they didn’t have a problem, so we became ‘friends’ again. it wasn’t what it was before, but it only lasted for about a week. i started becoming more than friends with someone they were close to, so before i started dating my boyfriend, i checked with my friend to see if it was okay. she said that she didn’t really want me to be with him. at the time, i understood this and wanted to respect her feelings, but it wasn’t really an option for me to stop talking to him. not only did we have a really strong connection, but i was going through a lot of personal things (that my best friend was aware of but chose to ignore) and the only thing keeping me afloat was this boy, so cutting him off wasn’t really an option. i decided to try and respect my best friend by just not bringing him up around her, but a couple days later, she just stopped talking to me again. i was completely heartbroken. not only for losing my best friend, but it just didn’t make sense to me because she had started dating someone who was my best friend (and stopped being friends with me after they started dating) about a month prior. it’s been months since this happened, but since she obviously didn’t want to be friends, i decided not to force it. i didn’t want drama, and it seemed like that was what she was looking for, so i decided to respect her by just staying away. now, it’s been a few months and we still avoid eachother, but it’s so difficult because she’s still in my friendship group. she’s especially close to my best friend, and still is close with my boyfriend. im not trying to be bitchy, but it is my understanding that these things are partly to do with trying to annoy me. i don’t want to be a bad friend or girlfriend but it makes me so heartbroken when i see both of them being so close to her without understanding how hurtful and toxic she’s been to me. i would never ask them to not be friends with her, but i just hate the situation i’m in. how can i stop being hurt by, or possibly change (in the least petty way), the friendship that my best friend and boyfriend have with this girl?

[PamelaR]

Hello bubblegum

Welcome again to Beyond Blue forums, I see that Croix has welcomed you to the Beyond Blue forum in the other thread you started about your mum.

I'm thinking you are quite young Bubblegum. Am I right? It just helps me to support you better knowing your age because I'm at the other end of the age spectrum. I retired last year - so that gives you an idea of how old I am.

Remembering back to my teen years, friendship with others was always very difficult for me. I had PTSD, anxiety and depression. Television series show you how it should be, but it isn't reality! Building friendship and relationships, maintaining friendships and relationships is HARD WORK! Phew, I never found it easy and because of my PTSD found I never trusted anyone. I could have friends to go out with, but friends to call on when I needed help - never. Nor were my parents. During my twenties it was learning to be self sufficient. To rely on me and only me. That was hard, but I did it.

Knowing what you want out of a friendships is important. Do you know the things you want from a friend? For example, some one you can call when you need to talk, someone who'll listen to what you have to say. Or is it more about going out, having fun?

Up until I was 25 all my attempts at building these associations were failures! You know why? For years i kept being attracted to the same kind of people. Those people were poison/toxic for me. They made me feel terrible about myself, my self esteem and self worth. Why on earth did I want to hang out with them? They certainly weren't nice people.

So one day I sat down and draw up a list of what I wanted in a friendship and what I wanted in a relationship. All the good things, for example - being kind, talking kindly, not make fun of me, listen to what I have to say, similar interests in music, movies, books. For me it was also important to have the same values in life, for example - being buddhist, loving animals, caring for the welfare of people, dislike of war.

Then when I was 27, the most marvellous man walked into my life. We've been together ever since and still happy, over 37 years ago.

Be kind to yourself! The way to stop hurting yourself, maybe look at making friends with others who are nice to you? For me, people who are not nice to someone, are not worth the effort to be my friend. It's hard and will take time to re-establish your new network. But it is doable Bubblegum.

Keep reaching out. You're not alone.

Kind regards

PamelaR