My bipolar girlfriend of a few weeks shy of a year just broke up with me pretty much out of the blue

[Bluespooks]

Hi so I need some advice, my (F) girlfriend (F) has bipolar 2 and is medicated for it and is in regular therapy and has been since her diagnosis (about 2 years ago). Our relationship has been up and down as it often is and she has tried to leave me before in moments of bipolar rage but always apologizes and we make up. I have my own slew of mental health issues with anxiety and c-ptsd from a sexual assault act that happened with a previous partner. This is relevant. Recently I went through a change in medication and the transition period was a bit rough on the relationship but I thought we worked through and it was okay. My girlfriend, let's call her P, got sent into a manic episode about a week and a half ago but came out of it probably about 4-5 days ago and she went straight into a depressive episode, she has been depressive for about 2 months consistently (with the 1 and a half week manic break) P went to see her therapist two days ago and her therapist told her that she is really worried about her and that the way P has treated me wasn't okay and she needs to follow her gut on what to do, following this therapy session her and I talked and we were okay, the conversations were normal until I started to fall asleep on ft and P started talking thinking I was asleep, she told me how much she loved me and how I was perfect and how I was the perfect person for her, and that she knew I was going to get better and she would be there watching me no matter if she was still here or not. That last comment struck me as odd but I moved past it and eventually fell asleep. I woke up the following day with a bad gut feeling but P texted good morning as normal "Good morning my angel" so I went on with my day. that afternoon I decided to go home and get some uni work done and called her mid-way through since I was bored we talked and everything was normal until suddenly she said we need to fix ourselves. This started a spiral of very emotional conversation which ended with her ending things. the reason she gave was that she wasn't well and needed to get better and so did I. The issue with this is that I am quite well, the best I have been for years. She proceeded to tell me how she didn't want to do this and that she will always love me but she had to do this for me. which once again confused me. I saw her today and we cried together and she told me she hated this and would come back later if she could because she will never love anyone else like this but she needed to do this for me. She has done this once before for the same reasons and changed her mind after 6 days, later telling me it was because she was unwell and suicidal and pushing me away. Is the same thing happening here or is it really over? If it is the same thing as last time what do I do? Please someone help me.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Bluespooks, 

This sounds like a really difficult and confusing time. It sounds like it’s been a really difficult time for your girlfriend and yourself, and it must be really hard to understand and process ending the relationship in that context. Especially when a similar situation has happened in the past. It sounds like you care for them deeply and are trying to be supportive and understanding through this, but it’s also hard to manage your own wellbeing through such a big change. Sometimes letting that person know that you are there for them also involves giving them some space so you are able to heal also. We’re glad you could share this here, as our lovely community will have kindness, advice and understanding for you. 

Is there anyone that you feel able to talk to about this? It sounds like you could really do with talking things through, so please don’t hesitate to give the lovely Beyond Blue counsellors a call on 1300 22 4636 or speak to them on webchat here. There are also some really good pointers here for staying connected, and finding support through a trying time.   It’s also really important to check in with yourself and ensure your own wellbeing while you’re going through this, so it might be good to have a look at our pages on looking after yourself while supporting someone. There’s a really useful part about how it can affect relationships which might be useful to you, too.  

It is wonderful that you have been able to reach out for support here on the forums. It shows that you are a caring partner to reach out for advice when dealing with this. it must have been difficult to write this post, but you never know who might read it and feel less alone in their own experience. Please keep sharing whenever you feel comfortable to do so. We hope our warm and kind community will spot your post and offer their support soon.  

Kind regards, 

Sophie M 

[therising]

Hi Bluespooks

I feel for you so much as you face not just your own challenges but also the challenges that your partner faces and the ones that come with maintaining a relationship. So, I suppose you could say you're trying to manage 3 things at once. Give yourself credit for trying to manage so much.

If it's of any help, one of the ways I've come to manage my mental health and a degree of self understanding comes down to questioning 'What state of consciousness am I in?'. Kind of like

• Am I conscious of everything that's depressing?
• Am I conscious of everything that requires some form of analysis/greater understanding?
• Am I conscious of everything that's highly stressful?
• Am I conscious of everything that points to my need to retreat from certain people in my life?

The list goes on and on, so I won't bore you. While this sounds quite simple, it can be far from simple at times. I'll go with the first one on that list to offer an example. I can be in a great frame of mind until I'm triggered into becoming conscious of everything that feels or appears as depressing. There can be a whole variety of different triggers. This can then trigger certain aspects of me to come to life. It can trigger the pessimist in me, my inner critic, some aspect in me that finds fault in so much or some part of me that can make life feel like hell on earth at times and so on. So the inner dialogue can start to sound like 'You're hopeless. You're a waste of space. You'll never amount to anything. The world is a horrible place. You can't do anything right' and on it goes. Of course, you can really feel those parts in play and they can feel deeply depressing. Things start to spiral until someone or something shifts my state of consciousness in some way. Btw, I can remain conscious of everything that's depressing for days, weeks or even months sometimes. If you were to tap into the wonderer in me by leading me to wonder about why things can appear depressing, BAMM, you've shifted my state of consciousness to the point where you've not only triggered the wonderer in me but you've also triggerd my inner researcher or detective, the kid in me who's excited about new found revelations or discoveries that I come across while within that state of wonder etc etc. The inner dialogue shifts too, quite dramatically. I'll shift from depression to excitement and enthusiasm, while developing an almost obsessive thirst for knowledge.

With all that said, I can't help but wonder whether your partner's being triggered to shift into different states. While being fully conscious of feeling and thinking about how much she truly loves you, with perhaps some inner dialogue going on ('He really is the most beautiful amazing person you could ever hope to meet'), can the shift happen when something or someone leads her to become fully conscious of all the traits in you she finds deeply challenging?