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My anxiety and overthinking is ruining my relationship

Community Member
I feel like most of the time my anxiety and overthinking is the third person in our relationship trying to pull it all apart. I'm with an amazing guy and have been for almost 4 years. He supports me as best he can, recently I catch him reading forums of how to deal with anxiety attacks from a partner perspective (i get them every now again) so I couldn't ask for anyone better in my life.
I haven't moved on from something that happened over 2 years ago and I feel like i'm going insane about it. I don't bring it up to him often because it will most likely push him away. With the recent Isolation happening, me losing my job and living with my mum who has terminal cancer, everything builds up.
My Bf is a naturally very outgoing, charming and happy guy, (he is a ESFP and im an INFP) with that... comes girls that think he is a great catch too right, who wouldn't. There have been multiple women who have asked him out, knowing full well he is taken. Most of them at his workplaces. Some have tried to take it too far and attempted to kiss him even in front of me.
There was this one night, a farewell party that we were all invited to, even though I had left the workplace my bf was still working at (a club), I was still friends with the majority of people there. Short of a very long story, there were two girls there that were interested in him (the one that tried to kiss him, call her lips) and another, ill call her devil for this. Devil and I had only had one word conversations. I'd met her once before this. So devil arrives, there were a few things that went down before this... like making a scene about my bf not hugging her when she arrived and not sitting with all of us until he came over.
After that, she messaging him telling him to come over to the smoking area. This is where it all happened. (bf had a good friend next to him backing him up, i wasn't there) She said that he is a different person when I am around, I don't bring out the best in him, that I don't suite his personality, that she doesn't even know me and can see that I don't want to get to know her and that he should leave me. (she had lips backing her up) My Bf turned around to her and said "If I didn't love her, i wouldn't have been with her for 2 years, thats the woman i'm going to marry, so you better get used to it." This is all according to my bf and his friend who re-layed what happened to me after I was stressing sitting with one friend at another table. Natural reaction, I started to cry.

1 Reply 1

Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hi missrogue,

I'm so sorry to hear that you've been struggling with anxiety and that the social distancing has made everything harder, it sounds like, in a number of different ways.

Your boyfriend sounds lovely, and it sounds like you know just how lucky you are to have one another. Given how understanding he seems to be, it seems like he would be understanding if you wanted to talk about it more but I get that you don't want to bring it up too much.

Is there someone like a close friend you would feel comfortable talking about it with whenever it starts nagging at you? This sounds like just the kind of think a counselor or therapist might be able to help you work through, to get some relief without feeling like you are burdening your partner. Is that something you would be open to?

It sounds like you believe your boyfriend and his friend that he did everything right in that situation, which means that instead of framing it as a mistake that needs to be re-litigated, you can think of it like a challenge that you overcame. If you are starting to have doubts about your boyfriend's story that you think are unfounded or being raised by your own anxiety, again talking to a third party about it (or on here!) is a great option.

Take care!