My adult son......

[Lea1]

I have a 21yr old son whom has been in trouble since early teens. He has in the past committed crimes, spent time in jail, self harmed done drugs and cannot hold down a job. He has anger issues and when confronted with any situation he doesn't like flies off his rocker. His anger has always scared me. My husband and he dislike each other and so I have been a referee for years. We've spent countless hours and thousands on phycologists but nothing has worked. He lays about all day staying up all night. He has moved in and out of home several times. I am so tired he makes me think aweful things just so I no longer have to deal with him anymore. My husband is away alot sometimes for months and I've raised 2 boys a majority of the time alone. He blames everyone else for his situation and problems, nothing is ever his fault. My husband just gets angry calls him lazy and wants to kick him out. I don't want my son living on the street and that is where he will end up as he has nowhere else to go. Centrelink won't give him money due to him living at home according to them his father earns too much. I am also responsible for my elderly grandmother and disabled 65yr old uncle whom thank goodness have care homes where they are safe and warm. My sons constant problems with life in general have got me down in the past almost to suicide.

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[trustlife]

Hi Leablundy, thanks for your post. Let's take some time out for your self first. You do have a lot to deal with here so before we start to go through that I would like you to get some quality relaxing you time. OK that may not be easy if your son is in the next room and you're worried what he's up to next.

Bear with me though. I can clearly see how much you love him and want to help, but you won't get much further until you build up your own healing energy. How old is your other son? Does he have any influence on your 21 year old? Also, when you say "He blames everyone for his situation", is that your husband or your son?

I strongly suggest you find a way to step back for the moment. I think you'll agree that it's not going to make the situation any worse. You need your husband on your side. How would he react if he saw this posting? Of course this is strictly confidential, but I'm interested in understanding what level of support and commitment he's prepared to give. Try to get him and you on the same page with a strategy to move your 21 year old into a mature positive mindset. Is he still on the drugs and, more importantly, is he still a risk for self harm?

So, while we work through these, you must take some time to yourself. Can you ask your husband to watch him for a weekend while you re-charge yourself? Is that practical?

[trustlife]

One other point to consider, your husband's anger is probably based on frustration and a lack of understanding of what to do. That's fair enough for you both. However if you both sat down with an advisor to help work out a joint plan together, then we can start the ball rolling with your son.

[Lea1]

Hi I appreciate your response to my post, my husband is very supportive of me and this post wouldn't bother him at all. He knows I want to help our son but my husband is frustrated that our son doesn't want to help himself. I understand my husbands anger. We are a very united pair in life but my husband seems to have given up on our son. Our oldest is 26 and lives in another state. He tries to be the big brother but the younger one's attitude and behaviour makes the older one not want be part of his life so he too wipes his hands of him which I totally understand. So as for my youngest our family see him as a spoilt brat, a mummies boy if you will, but they don't see the bad behaviour or acting out. They don't see the self harm scars up and down his arms or anger in his eyes. In our home you have to walk on egg shells as to not offend or upset our son or he acts out in a way the either damages the house or harms himself. Such rage is in him, I am at a dead end as to how to help him. He refuses to talk to people about his issues just brushes it all off like nothing happened.

[trustlife]

Delighted to hear that you have so much support from your husband. Without a shadow of doubt that's your best resource. So, how about arranging a session together (preferably away from the house and also assuming you have someone around to keep an eye on him) perhaps overnight somewhere? The reason I'm suggesting somewhere away is because you are not going to have the same type of conversation. If you try it now at home it will most likely degenerate into hands being thrown in the air etc. The next step is to have no agenda other than to come up with a joint working plan on a) how to deal with the issues and b) how to get him on a safe track. So you might both go for a walk in the woods and come back with nothing concrete. That's actually ok for now. You've taken time out together to catch your breath. We're looking for a way to catch his attention, so he can see he's causing self pain and pain to the family. Your united strong front will distract him because you understand a lot of his negativity feeds on both of your frustrations. Pick something small and trivial that's wrong in his life and get him to logically agree in principal and start from there. The key here is your united strong front.

[Lea1]

Hi, your advice is welcome but I feel you need to know a few more intimate details and how we have handled them in the past. Our son doesn't like anyone or anything. In recent months we've had to resort to childish punishment just to get him to shower. We had to turn off the internet to get him to shower everyday. We tried giving him small chores around the house to help out and feel as part of a family. He can be very kind and loving but that doesn't last. Living with him is like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. I try not to go out in public with him as he can be an embarrasment, he hates everybody and isn't afraid to express it. At times he has no feelings just anger it's like all the things we have inside us just switch off inside him. In the past he's damaged furniture and our rental properties. I refer to our situation as sometimes living with the devil himself. He has broken bones in his hands many times over punching people or a wall or anything in his path, he damaged property in employment and scared teachers in highschool and co-workers when he had employment just because he was frustrated or had a disagreement with someone. My son needs serious help and neither my husband nor myself talking to him or providing him a plan is going to help as he won't adhere to it. He'll get annoyed we' re even talking to him about it and get angry and abusive and just walk off. As I said he doesn't care at all or ever. My husband has given him so much help to better his life and encouragement and even given him opportunities nobody else would ever have had in the world and our son just turns his back. We can sit and chat to someone but at the end of the day our son is lost inside his own mind. He has very serious mental health issues that everyone we've ever spent money on to see has ignored for most of his life. Maybe years ago when we spoke to the GP about his behaviour something was done to help him he wouldn't have struggled just to get to this far. He hasn't had drugs for almost a year as he has no money and weed was his preference although he'll admit to trying all but needles. If you have a sure fire way you can help him we would be very grateful.

[trustlife]

I've got a couple of ideas but need to think them through. Really appreciate your candid response. I'll reply very soon.

[July]

Hi Lea,

I am a mother of a son who also had a drug and anger issue, and he has also spent 22 months in prison for a crime related to his drug/anger issues.

I feel your pain and frustration at trying to help your son who fights your every wish to help him, has your son been actually diagnosed with a medical condition? or is his behaviour just related to the drug use? sometimes hard to distinguish between the two.

The self harm  is the physical way they release the "pain", so I would guess this young man has some deep issues that he needs to deal with, easier said than done I know ....but he needs to come to the realisation of his issues himself.

I know the struggle of a parent watching your child spiral downwards and no matter what you do or say it doesn't seem to register with them, the heartache of not being able to stop them when they clearly cannot control their own behaviour .

My son finally hit rock bottom when he was incarcerated.... but it took him away from the bad influences and the drugs, it was the worst experience of my life but.....it saved his.

He even said to me once clean and sober, no one could have told him what to do in the middle of his addiction , you don't care what people think or say, its all about getting the drug high and escaping life.

I would say your son is still using ...money is no object there are plenty of way to get drugs, his anger suggests he is still uncontrollable, I have seen it all before.

But my advice would be don't parent him out of guilt and don't enable him, love him always but set boundaries for him and don't tolerate his bad behaviour, he needs to know exactly where he stands with you and for you to stand strong.

My son has been out of prison for 5 months now and is a changed man, he has told me he is so grateful I stood by him but didn't allow my love for him to enable him, or put up with abuse of any kind, drugs cloud the thinking processes and it takes about 12 or so months to truly clear their system.

Every situation is different but you also need to look after yourself, your husband and your other son, tell your son you love him and will always be there for him, but he cannot treat you all badly, or there will be consequences, sometimes they need to hit rock bottom before they can get better.

Take care

July

[Lea1]

• Thank you for sharing your story, let me begin by saying my son doesn't actually leave the house unless with myself, he spends all day everyday shut inside his room. He isn't doing drugs and hasn't had any in almost 12mths. He was angry even before he began to use, the drugs actually made him calm and a totally different kid. He was normal for us anyway. I hate admitting it but he was a better person smoking weed, but we will not tolerate it in our home or lives. We are very firm with him honesty has always been upfront in our home. Both our boys were brought up to always be upfront about feelings and if they had a problem we would always try to solve it as a family. Now my oldest is fine tells me what I need to know and thats great as he is a man now with a partner and his own place, so needs to confide in his partner if needed but he is a laid back relaxed person who always tried to resolve any issue with talk and logic. My youngest resorts to violence so is completely opposite. I have told them everyday of their lives I loved them no matter what, and I still do. The youngest just doesn't want to deal with anything seems to want others to fix it for him. All the Dr's we have seen over the years up until he was deemed an adult just palmed it off to being naughty.

[Lea1]

Yrs ago the troubled youth therapist we saw wanted him tested but the high school my son attended refused to contribute half of the cost for a test for my son but did so for 2 other students. The principle told my son to his face he would never amount to anything and would end up in jail. The school had me in weekly due to bad behaviour and suspension was all they could offer. The tried a few small things to help in some classes but it was a joke. After wagging almost a year without informing me they graduated him up to the next year, I was horrified and argued it was the wrong decision and wished him to redo the year but they refused. He was palmed off to get rid of him as quick as they could. So you see my husband and I have only ever been the only stable thing in his life, my son thought jail was great if you ask him he will say he actually enjoyed it, wasn't scared at all. I am dumbfounded as to how after all the police visits and detectives at our home and Dr visits and my pleads for someone to help him nobody seemed to care, they just turned their backs. He can be such a nice kid and we've had people say so but it just goes so bad so quickly and as he is our son we feel it is our problem not our friends or family to help him even though some of our friends have tried. If you have any suggestions please come forward as I don't know what to do anymore, we're now just living with it not moving in any direction.