FAQ

Find answers to some of the more frequently asked questions on the Forums.

Forums guidelines

Our guidelines keep the Forums a safe place for people to share and learn information.

Announcement Icon
You can win one of three $200 gift cards. Complete our survey by 5pm, 30 June 2024 AEST to enter the draw. Your response will be anonymous so you can't be identified.

MUM ISSUES and at breaking point :(

MissMc
Community Member

My mum lives with me and she's 72 yrs, I work fulltime and train 6 days a week which I love and is my outlet but over the past 3 weeks leading up to Xmas my work load became very unbearable and hectic and very very very stressful, as I work in the Retail Industry and with the forever abuse and insults from customers really pushed me to my bare limits, I'm now on holidays till nxt Weds well deserved 🙂 am relaxing and enjoying my down time 🙂 but with my mum becoming ever so lazy and will not contribute to household cleaning etc, all she does is sit and watch TV from the time she gets up, till the time she goes to bed 😞 have suggested for to go walking mornings and evenings but her words are IM NOT GOING TO BE PUSHED OUT OF MY HOME????? .. and theres no medical evidence for her not to contribute to the household chores, its becoming very stressful and hard for me to do the chores myself where she just sits there....

In the past with experience she can be very malipitive and very self centred and spiteful, she's all the time following and watching what I do in my own house and she even writes what I do in her diary?.... how do I know this I have looked in her diary, yes bad but!!!!!

She also watching me with what I eat and she goes through the bins daily?????.....

Its become stressful living in my own house 😞 and yes have had words to her about this but nothing, she knows what she is doing and how it is effecting me, but continues to be this way! my gut feeling is she wants me to be a slave to her and she causers trouble within the family in the past and present and thinks nothing of it, and from past experience she also a compulsive lier and plays the victim and in everyones business and doesn't respect boundries 😞 NO doctors wanna aknowledge that she might have a mental issue .....

3 Replies 3

demonblaster
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member
Hi Miss

That sounds like a very stressful situation to be living in. Full time work on top
Glad you have an outlet with training.

Where I live assuming other areas too they have volunteers that can come & talk to people, take them for drive, shopping etc, do you think that could be of any help to your situation to give her another focus. They can be contacted through Community Centre or Doc would probs know of other help.

Feel for you this wouldn't at all be easy

You've spoken with her with no improves, thing is this is bringing you down understandably
it's not fair on you & you're looking after her. Maybe another chat do you think.

Keep in touch if you want, really hope you can find a middle ground here

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear MissMc~

I see you have a picture of Rosie The Riveter, a WW2 symbol of female capability and competence. It must be an upsetting and frustrating trial that your mother fails so badly to pull her weight and instead indulges weird fancies like recording your movements in a diary, going though the bins and following you around. At first I'd be angry too.

At present you are providing all the care in a one-sided relationship. Are there other family members who can lend a hand, perhaps take you mother for a bit to give you some relief?

It is very difficult for family members to asses the mental state of an other, there is nothing to use as a yardstick and also sometimes there is a built-in reluctance at times to acknowledge the changes that might be happening. That is why it takes specialists in assessing the aged to see things clearly. Their experience goes beyond just listening uncritically to what someone might say.

You did say NO doctors wanna aknowledge that she might have a mental issue. Have you in fact had you mother assessed by an ACAT team to see if age is catching up with her? While 72 is not particularly old it is possible her mental faculties are degrading.

I would suggest you keep a diary of her actions then use it as a basis to talk in any assessment. I guess one of two things will happen, they might say she does have difficulties and send you down the path of respite care, or they may find her sound at this stage. If that is the case your relations with your mother may go downhill for a bit, then again they do not sound viable right now.

It would be good if you came back and said what you thought, perhaps about all this plus boundaries?

Croix

bindi-QLD
Community Member

Hi MissMc,

I would suggest doing some research into personality disorders, particular NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) and sociopathy (ASPD). If your mother's personality matches this kind of disorder, you won't be able to negotiate or set boundaries with her, because she won't respect them or you. You will have to do this research on your own and use your best judgement, as few professionals are qualified to diagnose NPD . People with this type of personality rarely seek `help' because they are doing just fine, its the people around them that suffer.

Many adult children of Narcissists choose no contact or limited contact. Accomplishing that would be a process in your situation, you may need to sell the house or move (don't invite her back to live with you). I've known women my age who were so desperate for their emotional and mental health they moved to another city. You would aim to back away, and limit contact with her to what feels right for you. There will be a lot of guilt pressure from her to have more contact (ie to control you and interfere with your life).

Anyway, I suggest do a little research, so at least you know what you're dealing with, and how to move forward.