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Mother in law

Community Member

Hi everyone stressing ao bad its our xmas party next weekend and my mil works at the same company we just dont get along i havent seen her for 12 months No joke. I know my husband misses them and will want to sit with them but i cant do it i just cant sit with them. My anxiety is high and i just want to run away. Help what do i do. I really want to go to support hubby and normally its a really good night. I know other people but i know when i see her ahe will act normal and hug me. But i dont want that

3 Replies 3

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi Trix, welcome

Thete are many unwritten rules of marriage/partners. To make some effort with inlaws is one.


Topic: inlaws the best approach- beyondblue

Tony WK

Vegetarian Marshmallow
Community Member

Maybe as soon as she gets there, you can give her a gift (the gift you and your husband brought them for Christmas). Giving people gifts is supposed to trick your brain into thinking this person isn't scary because you've had a friendly interaction. Also she'll be disarmed by your friendly gesture.

Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Trixs~

I'd like to join Tony in welcoming you here. As you know when you marry someone you acquire in-laws and that can be a pretty mixed bag. There is one thing that is more important than all the rest - and I hope you have this already. You husband has to regard you as the most important thing, not his mother and father. That way if there is friction or discord then you have an ally and do not feel like an intruder.

May I ask what the cause of the distance is between you and you MIL?

You mentioned your husband does miss his mother, and from what you say you would be looking after him to sit with him and his family. Also you think your MIL will pretend things are normal. Well if it was me I'd be very grateful for small mercies. So many in-laws display naked hostility and talk in sneering disparaging tones, at least you have been spared that.

All this does not help you at the moment I know. In many social situations one has to put on a mask, and this sounds like one of those occasions. Do you think you could manage to be polite to her for a limited period? Perhaps have a store of things to say prepared in advance? Can you endure a hug for your husband's sake, even if unpleasant?

Dealing with the anxiety is not easy. I have most often found that the dread leading up to an event is harder than when I'm actually there. Some things to try are exercise - maybe going for a walk when the thoughts intrude. Perhaps distraction, I use reading or movies. If it is simply too overwhelming I use a free smartphone app called Smiling Mind to get my thoughts in order. This is not easy to use - takes practice - but is worth the effort.

Do oyu think it is worth talking with your husband, explaining and maybe asking for special support on the night?

Does anxiety play a large part in your life? Whilst everybody worries about things it can go too far, with one perpetually anxious. In that case I'd suggest seeing your GP and asking to be tested for anxiety, then see what happens.

Please feel you can talk here as much as you would like, you would be welcome