mother in law trying to ruin my wedding.. and my life!
I am getting married in a months time. At this stage my partner's family (mother, sister and brother) are saying they are not coming, and are really trying to push my partner not to get married (they are trying to get everyone to say they will not go). They have taken the smallest disagreement and turned it into world war three - with the aim of calling off the wedding. I have received verbal abuse from my partners older brother and mother, they have spread lies to my partners extended family trying to get them not to come to our wedding (basically doing anything and everything they can so that we cancel our wedding). The abuse they have hurled at me has been personal, nasty and has nothing to do with the issue at hand! It all started in November last year when my mother in law asked for $10,000 from my partner and I (side note - this woman has never worked a day in her life and has bludged off other people her whole life - she owns 3 houses so is not in need of money)
I think she asked for this money to be nasty and provoke an argument before our wedding. I text my mother in law and said "Hi, Michael has said you have asked for $10,000.. sorry we are saving for a wedding so you will have to wait until after the wedding. Also are you contributing to the wedding? "(note a couple of years ago my partner was supposed to receive a very large sum of money from his wealthy uncle but his mother received a discount on a house from him instead so my partner missed out on the money all together - the uncle did not want to give the discount to my partners mother, but my partner does whatever his mums says so said it was ok for her to get the discount instead).
Anyway we let it slide for a month or two, when things didn't improve we decided to make the flight to my mother in laws place for me to 'apologise' for telling her she couldn't have 10k. This was a mistake- it was just an excuse for her to verbally abuse me and try and call off the wedding. She said things like "no one will think you are beautiful at your wedding, all they will see is that the church is half empty and that there must be something wrong with you" - she has since kept insisting on more apologies (to the sister and brother now!). We only have a month to go to.. I find myself constantly thinking about what was said and the drama - it is disrupting my work, my sleep and my whole life in general! What are some coping mechanisms to deal with these people? Was what I did really so bad?
Dear Manda M~
Welcome here, there are many, me included, who can relate to your story.
I have had personal experience of the mother-in-law problem. The irony was that it was my mother, who did not approve of my intended bride, calling her 'unsuitable'.
When I married anyway I was formally disinherited, cut out of the family, lawyers and the whole nine yards.
This did not stop that 'unsuitable' lady and I having 25 years of loving togetherness until she passed away.
my partner does whatever his mums says
This is not the start of a happy marriage, in fact it is a recipe for disaster. Your partner simply cannot have divided loyalties. You, his partner and future wife, have to be his sole concern, as he has to be for you. You cannot go though life being second fiddle to your mother-in-law. Your self-worth, frustration and relations with your partner will suffer massively.
I found my parents did me a favor - though it was unintentional. I had to stand on my own feet, be responsible for someone I loved and basically grow up.
You do not need coping mechanisms for a toxic situation, you need it resolved, and what you did, from what you say, sounds entirely reasonable.
I'm sorry if this is a little blunt, however it is better to face what may be a fundamental flaw in the relationship at this stage rather than later - possibly with kids on the scene.
You have my best wishes
Your MIL has the gall to even have the rudeness to ask for $10,000 when she owns several properties herself, but from what you have told us your finance seems to 'mummy's boy' and she does't want him to get married and will do anything so that it doesn't happen.
She sounds like she's going to be a 'thorn in your side', but I'd like to know what your finance thinks about this, because she is going to cause continual problems.
I appreciate that it maybe your dream to have a traditional wedding, walk down the aisle with all the fanfare and celebrations but she is going to be a problem, and the best way to resolve it is by cutting all ties with her, your future husband is marrying you and his loyality should be with you, and not to be influenced by his mother. Geoff.
The crazy thing is the day I met her I almost decided not to date my now fiancé. I thought this lady is horrible - all she did was talk about money the whole time!
while I was verbally abused by his mum my partner stood there and did nothing. However since then he has come around and hasn't tried contacting his family again. Every so often his brother will text him or call him looking for a fight. Saying has Amanda apologised to Madeleine (the sister who I have not spoken a word to for a very long time and who is not part of this - again I think it's a shaming process, u have to respect us we don't have to respect you).
i wanted to elope originally but my partner wanted a big wedding so we decided to have a big wedding. Then his mum said we need to post pone the wedding (so that they had time to come between us no doubt) or elope (again so they had more of a chance to come between us). So someone telling me I had to elope meant I was definitely going to do the opposite !
she has had a life long dispute with her family in law and is really obsessive with talking about them. So I know that she will not drop this and it will be a life long thing. The person I feel really bad for is my partner. It's his family and they are doing this awful thing to him (basically out casting and pressuring him - and pressuring all other family members not to talk to him). His bother, sister and mother are the worst people I have ever met in my life. All of them are stubborn (cannot see they are doing anything wrong) and have egos like you wouldn't believe (to the point where it is so dillusional it seems crazy). The sister and mother always try and prove they come before me. The sister in particular is extremely possessive of my partner and makes nasty comments to me all the time. My parent will not admit his sister has ever done anything wrong (but he will with his mum and brother).
I know it will always put a strain on my otherwise perfect relationship. I know that if I was to apologise (not because I should just because I want all this to be over) it wouldn't be the end of it. So maybe cutting them out for good is the best idea !
i am going to a family members wedding this weekend (from my partners dad side) - really concerned what the brother in law will say to me, I think he will go all out and see it as one last shot to come between us (he loves to intimidate people and has made lots of personal attacks because he can't justify his mums behaviour)
Great replies here. Whitepointer's points hits home to me over my own experience. In a nutshell one week before my first wedding my mother went haywire over the silliest thing.
Whitepointer suggested the attention isnt on your MIL, that she is childish and narcissistic. Spot on. The only mistake you made is texting your reply...it should have come from your fiance by phone call or face to face. Same with asking if she will contribute to your wedding- his place to ask.
Ask yourself why you answered by text. Is it because he wouldnt stand up to his mother? I ask this because for you and he to have a strong marriage you both need to think as a team and never allow blood relatives to divide you.
"Leopards never change their spots". I forgave my mother even though she also rang guests to tell them not to attend our wedding. She came, dressed in black and deliberately had a sad mouth in photos. Pityful.
Fast track to 2010 and many family fueds in between. I was to wed my now 2nd wife in 2011. She played up again and one month prior to the day I had no option but to ban her from the wedding, to be held in a park. She told my daughter she was going to be at the park that day (she lived 4 hours away). I had no option but to get a court AVO against her to ensure she wouldnt be there.
Since then my sister and I have lost half our family. Her methods are to divide and conquer. Its all about power. Jealousy is the core issue. You are "the other woman".
Google: witch queen waif hermit
Finally, how to deal with this.
Your fiance and you need to be collectively very united. His siblings are not in the bad books with MIL...yet!!. Give it a few short years and they might re-enter your lives when they become the targets. So be prepared to forgive them because they are unaware of the controlling nature of MIL. They are getting one side if the story...beware what is said not in your presence.
The best way to survive this. Never cave into tantrums. You've proven she doesnt change her ways with your apologies. She involves others for power. She knows it already has ruined your wedding. So ignore her totally and any of her supporters, enjoy your wedding by either keeping them invited but limiting your communication with them or cancelling their invite. Make sure your fiance helps choose the action either way, not too much influence from yourself so years later he wont blame you.
Topic: emotional blackmail- likely extreme BPD- beyondblue