Mostly loving husband, sometimes making me feel worthless

Manorama · ‎04-06-2019

Hi,

I have been married for 3 years now. For the most time, it is a happy marriage and my husband is a good man. Then come the fights during which all he wants to do is push the issue under the carpet and fprget about it, whereas I am the kind of a person who wants to talk about things and sort them out. Which he believes is fighting. I have tried to tell him time and again that talking for 5 minutes will help solve the issue but he does not listen to me.

I am laregly dependant on my husband emotionally and I moved to a different country for him. When we fight he keeps telling me that he is only staying with me because we are bound by marriage and even my own parrbts will not love me if they were in his place. He tells me to pack up everything and leave. I have nowherr to go. He told me that since I am fighting like a dog he is treating me like one. He stops talking to me and pretends like I do not exist, even though I am right next to him. This goes on for days and I am the one who needs to beg him every single time to stop shutting me out.

I have always put him and his needs above mine. I am always there for him but he is here fpr me only when thinhs between us as are good.

I feel I do not deserve love.

I really need help

I feel insecure and helpless. I do not have anyone to talk to.

therising · ‎04-06-2019

Hi Manorama

First, I just want to say that we all deserve love, especially the love we need to nurture within our self. As I often say to people, 'love is to be found in evolution'. Finding love for our self means finding skills which allow us to move forward, so that we can grow in positive ways.

Things definitely aren't sounding very positive for you at the moment. Not sure if something like marriage counseling is an option, where you could both learn new skills in communication (encouraging productive problem solving within the marriage). Even seeking some form of counseling for yourself may offer you some navigational tools when it comes to finding the best path for moving forward. Counseling can offer ways in which you can alter you perspective so as to feel more empowered when it comes to managing your own mental/emotional well-being.

The mental and emotional abuse that is being experienced at the moment is understandably painful. No person can grow from such pain but, with help, they can grow beyond it.

Take care

Jurani · ‎05-06-2019

Hi, I think some kind of counselling is going to help you through this. Please ask your GP for a referral, and depending on your circumstances, it may be offered at no cost. Good communication is important. I feel you need to talk to your husband at a time that suits both of you. For example, many people need wind down time after work etc. So please choose your time carefully for discussions. Men communicate differently to women. I'd try to keep these discussions relatively short, because if they go on for too long, the point can be lost and it can escalate. Also how you approach the topic is important. It's about relaying your feelings re- what is bothering you, but not in a 'blame' type scenario. People do like to be heard, it's important so I know where you're coming from. Maybe ask him if he can schedule a time to talk, because he's likely to be more open with you if you leave the time up to him, and he's more than likely going to be willing to talk then. Work on yourself too, that's important. Find things to do that make YOU happy. Doing some small 'kind' gestures may also work so that he can see the soft side to you. Most people will reciprocate, so it's a win win situation. You could also try counselling together, that works for some couples. He may be stressed through work etc., so he may need to do some activities to de-stress himself. Men seem to suffer from work related stress alot. I hope this works out for you, please be kind to yourself first. Best wishes. xx

Trustyourgut · ‎14-06-2019

Hi,

It sounds to me like you are not feeling loved and respected and there are more than just communication issues going on. I am sorry that you are feeling so isolated but glad you have found the forum to be able to voice your feelings and get some support. I would suggest getting some individual counselling from a Psychologist whom you feel comfortable with.

Do you want to be with this man for the rest of your life?

Do you feel you can relax and be yourself, be heard and respected?

Just start with finding your intuition and don't worry about the scary logistics of whichever choice you need to make. One step at a time. It sounds like staying and trying to improve the relationship or choosing to leave would both be challenging, so please be brave and visit a psychologist so you do not have to do it alone.

All the best